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To think ex can't ban me from ever visiting a certain place again

(84 Posts)
pinoli Wed 19-Nov-14 13:43:30

Long story short, ex and I were together for 20 years (since we were teens)

His family are quite wealthy and owe a holiday home abroad. We've been on holiday there every year since I was 17 and then with the DC since they were born (sometimes twice a year). Obviously ex has been going since he was a baby (house has been in the family for years).

The house isn't owed by him, but family members choose when they want it during the year and its rented for the remainder (holiday location and always fully booked). After we divorced, ex made it clear to his family and ex MIL in particular (who owns the house) that I was in effect banned from using it again. Thats fine, to be honest I didn't expect it would be ok, even though MIL said it was fine I knew ex would kick up about it.

However, the village/beach is one of my favourite places in the world. I obviously have a lot of memories there and all family holidays have been there since the DC were born. This year I planned to take the DC for a week in half term. Not to the ex family house but the same village and to rent a property.

Ex happen to text yesterday about his holiday plans with his partner for next year, so I mentioned that I would be going with the DC in May (we always arrange holidays in advance to stop clashes).

He sent back a text basically saying 'you have no right to go there, that is my family location, find somewhere else to go' I replied that obviously I wasn't going to stay at his property but somewhere else. His reply was 'damn right you're not staying there, and you aren't taking DC either, i'm planning on taking them in the summer and it will ruin our trip if they've already been'

This went on and on and ended with him saying 'I'm sure you'll just do whatever you want to anyway so crack on'

AIBU to still want to go on holiday here? I realise I could just find a new holiday location so may well be in the wrong. But the other part says hang on you don't own the bloody country, just one house!

attheendoftheday Wed 19-Nov-14 13:45:53

Of course you can go there if you wish. If you'd deliberately booked it to clash with his holiday then he might have a point but this is fine.

Sn00p4d Wed 19-Nov-14 13:46:52

If you're staying somewhere else not in the house then he's being ridiculous, as I'm sure he well knows. Although it would be a bit shit for the dc to be going back two months after, see his point there to an extent, maybe year about as a compromise and go somewhere else the other year?

pinoli Wed 19-Nov-14 13:47:32

Sorry should clarify none of his holidays are in May, both of them are in the summer holidays which is when he was planning on taking the DC.

WannaBe Wed 19-Nov-14 13:50:22

Well, if he'd been amicable I might have been inclined to compromise. but given his response I would now go back there on principle. every year grin

DejaVuAllOverAgain Wed 19-Nov-14 13:52:39

YANBU You enjoyed going there and have many memories from holidays there with your DC that you obviously would like to spend more time there with them. He doesn't get to dictate where you go on holiday, how arrogant of him to think he can.

Flywheel Wed 19-Nov-14 13:52:46

Which do you think your dc would prefer? Do you think they'd be happy to go their twice? If so, I wouldn't hesitate. If you think it would take the shine off the second trip, I would reconsider, for their sake rather than his. He sounds like a dick.

pinoli Wed 19-Nov-14 13:55:32

DC don't care about going there twice. But equally would probably love to go somewhere else too.

There's not really a compromise because he goes with them every year (we've been divorced 3 years and I haven't been back yet)

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Wed 19-Nov-14 13:55:45

What an eejit he is! However I would be tempted to find a new location which I could use to make new memories in. The DC will be able to continue going there after all. They will still have it in their lives. You might be better moving on. What if it feels sad? When you're in a different house and not with ex?

grocklebox Wed 19-Nov-14 13:56:52

I'd just go more, just to piss him off. Daft fucker.

ChasedByBees Wed 19-Nov-14 13:57:00

What Wannabe said - I would go as frequently as possible.

Goingintohibernation Wed 19-Nov-14 13:57:20

I think you have every right to keep going there if that is what you want. I would consider going somewhere else and making some new memories though if I were you. It would be nicer for the DC's than going to the same place twice each year, and who knows, you might find somewhere even better!

pinoli Wed 19-Nov-14 13:57:34

Clawhands, that is what I was afraid of (not feeling sad!) but that to an outsider it looks like I haven't moved on.

I truly have, I just really love the location, the DC love it, flights are reasonable and its 'our' holiday place.

HighwayDragon Wed 19-Nov-14 13:58:00

Haha what a twat he is. Trying to imagine dds dad telling me not to go somewhere hmm grin

BankWadger Wed 19-Nov-14 14:00:27

It sounds to me like he's worried you're going to go and bad mouth him all over the village, or he was hoping to bad mouth you and you not find out about it, but now he's scared you'll be everything he was hoping to claim you are not.

bobbyjoe Wed 19-Nov-14 14:01:43

Go somewhere else. Not because he's told you to, bugger him. But the kids will be going there later that year anyway and he's less likely to take them somewhere new as he has free accommodation there. It sounds like you want to revisit it so go with a friend for a long weekend or something.

vintagesewingmachine Wed 19-Nov-14 14:02:03

What a childish knob your ex is. Go and enjoy it. If it is as lovely as you say, your children won't mind a bit going to the same place twice within a few months.

BankWadger Wed 19-Nov-14 14:02:31

X posts. So he has been bad mouthing you and you're going to find out first hand when he is not there to defend his actions.

TheCraicDealer Wed 19-Nov-14 14:05:12

So they've been on annual trips there, sometimes twice a year, since they were born? How will you taking them as well be any different to these years?

They're kids. They'll probably be delighted with a beach and a pool, it won't matter that they've been there that Spring. If you're embarking on your first foreign trip since the spilt then I can see why you'd want to go somewhere very familiar and nil-stress. He's being a territorial cock.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 19-Nov-14 14:05:56

Won't it feel a bit odd, to you and the DC, staying somewhere else in the same location? If not, fine, have fun! He can't excise your memories and life experience.

PetraArkanian Wed 19-Nov-14 14:09:20

Personally I would recommend going there without the dcs and with a seriously young/hot/rich new man (fake it if you can) and being all loved up around the village...

pinoli Wed 19-Nov-14 14:10:38

It will be our first abroad trip yes. I've taken them camping instead the last few years.

I doubt he has been bad mouthing me (he had the affair not me!) but I suppose it's a possibility. I think it's more that he sees it as 'his' families place and is trying to excise me as much as possible.

pinoli Wed 19-Nov-14 14:12:18

It was the same with my exSIL's baby christening. He kicked up about me being invited and in the end I didn't go because it wasn't worth the hassle.

They are very much 'his' family and nothing to do with me as far as he is concerned.

Minisoksmakehardwork Wed 19-Nov-14 14:18:26

Yanbu. It's not like you are staying in his family's home (although arguably if you had booked and paid to stay there you'd not be unreasonable either).

Go back. Enjoy your holiday. As you've said the kids have sometimes been there twice a year, and you've not been back since the split so it's not like you're trying to relive old memories.

It's natural to want to go to places you know. Dh and I always holiday in the same place in Cornwall. We know it, it's as comforting as being at home is although we do enjoy new places too.

However, I would also find another equally nice location to go to so you're not dragged into a never ending argument and can build new memories with the dc. Let ex deal with the kids asking if he remembers when you, he and they did x, y or z.

My dd still remembers her second trip to Cornwall and will even tell you 'this is where the sea gull pinched my chips'. She was about 18 months at the time. We have our traditions built round going there - always the picture at lands end of how our family has grown. Always seeing my dh's family who live there.

Equally, is he worried about you humping into people you may both know while there and have them seeing a different side of him than the injured party he has probably painted.

motherofmonster Wed 19-Nov-14 14:25:17

yanbu for wanting to go.

However perhaps you should take this as a golden opertunity to make some new memories for this new fresh start of a life for you and dc's

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