To be annoyed at my husband?(20 Posts)
I am currently 31 weeks pregnant and due to finish up for maternity leave in 5 weeks.
My husband and I are short of money - entirely self-inflicted as we were terrible with money when younger. My debt is totally manageable now though, so much so that I am making higher monthly payments than I need to, am squirrelling away a wee bit every month and have managed to buy most of the stuff for baby's arrival too.
My issue is with my husband. He is able to make his monthly payments but has contributed very little to anything for the baby and has certainly not put anything aside for baby coming. We spoke a while ago and he agreed to look for part time/casual work, just so that we could boost the coughers a bit in preparation for my mat leave when my salary will be greatly diminished. He's not done this yet and today when I asked him why he said he wasn't keen on taking on another job.
I'm raging at him as he's known about baby coming since May and could have done a bit of summer work, put the money away and be done by now. I've worked two jobs in the past - I haven't loved it but it's been a means to an end. So now we've had a massive fight about it which has resulted in me storming out in tears.
Am I being unreasonable? Hormones are all over the shop just now so I'm aware I might be overreacting.
I should also point out that my husband is lovely - he works hard at his main job, helps out around that house, looks after me when I'm not well and is generally a smasher so now I feel guilty about putting so much pressure on him. I just wish he'd see that we need to bring a bit more money in so that we can have a better quality of life in a few months!
I could have written this myself!
I'm 27 weeks and like you I have bought pretty much everything for baby, despite dh having more disposable income than me (I earn more but have a shit tonne of debt-entirely my own fault) I've had to save to cover my mat leave and will only be able to take 3-4 months as a result.
I realise none of this is helpful but you are not alone! :/
You are both having a baby and your husbands aren't contributing?
Have you sat down and worked out finances? Why are you doing it all on your own?
I will never understand marrying someone and keeping all finances separate.
The baby is (presumably) half his so he should be paying half the costs. That includes the costs of childcare which, for the first few months at least, means subsidising your maternity leave. If he doesn't agree with that then offer to price up the cost of paying for a full time nanny whilst you return to work...
I'm not sure on this one. Taking a second job will be hard work. Having a baby is equally hard work. If you've already bought most of the stuff, I'd let him off the second job. If he's really a helpful person at home then you'll probably be better off with the hands on help than with the extra money
I am always baffled by situations like this. Having a baby isn't some expensive hobby that you've decided to indulge in - it's a life change that both of you are going through together. I find it absolutely bizarre when the woman saves up for maternity leave and buys everything for the baby while the man acts like nothing is happening and just carries on as normal.
IMO it is a very bad idea to have a baby with someone if you're not willing to share finances with them - the fundamental trust simply isn't there.
I don't think it is unfair to not want another job if he already works full time. Surely you should be putting your finances together and paying everything together?
If he has another job he will have less time for you and helping out at home.
You may be panicking a bit or over reacting? Who wants a husband who is too tired to do anything other than work. I would rather go more careful with money and have a happy home life.
A mixture if what they all said.
Once you've had the baby you may find you don't want him doing an extra job; you might want him at home with you & baby (whereas he may realise that having a baby is bloody hard work and get himself another job to keep him out of the house).
On the other hand, I'm baffled about how two people who are having a baby together can have such separate finances. Do you have any joint savings? What will happen when you're on maternity leave? Who pays for what when you're earning less? How about afterwards: who pays for childcare?
I would say it depends how much you need the extra money. If you can get by without it, I'd say that you will probably want your husband home with you and baby. And its not really fair if he gets even less time to spend with you guys.
It's a little harsh to expect him to take a second job if he already works full time. Why did you not discuss all this properly before getting pregnant and work to either pay off the debt to free up that cash or save to cover the maternity period. How will you cover the cost of childcare if there's already the need for a second job?
I can understand him not wanting to take on a second job now as the baby is so close to being due but he should have done over the summer so he could put some money away in savings to help towards maternity leave.
How do you plan to work your finances when your on maternity and when you return to work?
He shouldn't have said he'd do a second job if he didn't want to, but maybe the two of you took different things from that conversation.
If you can afford to have the baby without him working a second job, then he shouldn't have to get one on your say so.
I totally feel for you! Often, not always, the reality of the situation doesn't hit DH/DP until baby is physically there. I don't know if other women have experienced similar situations?
I'm 35 weeks and my DH is finishing his PhD and, whilst taking part-time teaching hours, is looking to start a full-time job over the summer so we have 6+ months where we'll be living off my maternity allowance, child benefit and housing benefit (he's not entitled to anything as a full-time student). Although I have debts, it's a Career Development Loan which will be fully paid off by 1st April (so I'll be paying it off in baby's first few months!!!) and I would earn roughly the same in the above benefits as I would working part-time and we wouldn't have to pay childcare so there seems little point not taking the full 8 months maternity.
I understand how frustrating it is. I was crying/almost screaming at DH because he didn't do anything to find a part-time teaching job from September or January where he could have contributed to the pot by just working an extra 4-5 hours per week. He even suggested I go back to work earlier to cover the fact that he hasn't got anything. I was fucking livid. We've had it out now and it's resolved. We have to tough it through together and not blame each other.
this is a tricky situation, and like a PP said, i am surprised a marriage is doable without joint finances- my DH and i were joint pre marriage and DDs!
to try and give you something constructive- it may be that you're over reacting, but i completely empathise with you as pregnancy injects different hormones you've never experienced and most women must consider the financial change once babies arrived and have a little wobble!!
could you talk to him about creating a joint account? it may mean that you can split future costs, and once on mat leave you'll be able to have a nice lifestyle with baby as you'll be less worried you have to fund everything?
hope it works out!!! x
Presumably if you are married and having a baby your Money and debts are his and vice versa so you have both bought everything.
i assume op wanted him to get a job whilst pregnant not after the birth.
YANBU. Perhaps the most productive way forward is to draw up a budget plan including all expenses including pocket money for both of you, and show it to him. Add up the money you'll be receiving while on maternity leave with the wages he'll be bringing home.
Then you'll be able to see how tight things will be. Maybe it won't be as bad as you expect. You can also show him what the shortfall is, if one exists, and ask him how he can contribute to making up that shortfall.
Also, if he is good around the house, could he be a SAHD when you go back to work?
Even if you don't share finances, it might make you feel more secure if you open an account that you both pay bills into.
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