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To think DH needs to suck this up.

(63 Posts)
ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:07:47

DH does a hobby out of the house two nights a week. Very occasionally he will miss the second night if he absolutely completely has to.

I have just started a business which involves working out of the house one or two nights a week. I did this with DH's full blessing and on the understanding that I would avoid AS FAR AS POSSIBLE clashing with his hobby nights.

Unfortunately Thursday night is a clash. I have tried to arrange a babysitter but no one I know can do it. I suggested DH could ask his brother to babysit but he won't ask him as he thinks he'll say no and he hates asking people for favours.

He is adamant he is going to his hobby (it is competitive and he has a competition in a few weeks). I am adamant I am not cancelling my meeting (which will earn us money).

Who is being unreasonable here? From his point of view he has invested time and money in the competition and if he doesn't do the training he will fail. And his evening was booked first.

From my point of view I can't turn down business in these early days of starting up. ALSO he could have asked his brother, I have already asked all my family and none can do it.


FelixTitling Wed 19-Nov-14 13:13:21

Sorry, yabu. He had the date booked out first, so you shouldn't have agreed to work that night without adequate childcare in place.

Cant you ask his brother?

Alambil Wed 19-Nov-14 13:16:23

Why can't you ask his brother? bil asks me if he every needs a favour or babysitting smile

Bowlersarm Wed 19-Nov-14 13:17:22

Can you move your appointment?

WorraLiberty Wed 19-Nov-14 13:17:25

Do you not talk to your BIL?

DoJo Wed 19-Nov-14 13:18:07

I think that work trumps fun in most cases, but is there a reason you can't ask his brother yourself? Where are you? I'll come and babysit (where's the 'I promise I'm not an axe murderer smiley?!). How old are the children? Is there any way either of you could take them with you and stash them somewhere out of the way in exchange for a treat at the weekend? Or send them to a friend's for the evening?

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:18:25

It's not just that he doesn't want to physically ask, he doesn't want me to ask him either. Weird family dynamic. His brother is single, no kids and had babysat plenty if times before, dh feels we've asked him too often (maybe twice a year!)

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:20:03

Also the only reason this meeting is that night is because it was a cancellation/rebooking and this was the only night they coudl do. And I did initially have childcare but they had to cancel.

It's all been a bit of a fucking mare, tbh.

DoJo Wed 19-Nov-14 13:20:32

In that case, I think he needs to come up with an alternative solution child-care seeing as he is the one putting up barriers to asking a perfectly capable family member. What if you paid his brother/provided pizza and a DVD/some other incentive so that it's not so much of a favour?

FluffyRedSocks Wed 19-Nov-14 13:20:33

We have a rule by which whatever's on the calender first stands.. So my dps work night out was on the calender, and toddlers mums Christmas do is the same night- dp wins as it was on the calender..
Although because it's work I understand you feel it's different, but if I wanted to go out and dps already booked I have to find the babysitter.. If not I stay in..

bonzo77 Wed 19-Nov-14 13:20:40

I'd pay a baby sitter. Even if it makes your meeting financially pointless on this occasion. Because when you are starting a business you cannot afford to let people down.

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:21:18

And thank you for the offer DoJo. smile

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:25:02

I've suggested offering payment etc but DH isn't having it. The whole BIL thing is a no go. My parents are both out that night and none of my sisters are available.

He is still training tonight, I am only asking him to miss two hours tomorrow night so that I can earn anywhere from £50 to £200 and repeat business.

Does it help my cause if I add he has another hobby as well that tales up every single Saturday night in the summer? My only hobby is half an hour once a week.

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:25:43

I think DH would cancel his hobby if I say we'll pay a babysitter. So I will use that as leverage.

Nanny0gg Wed 19-Nov-14 13:26:05

I think your DH is being very U in regard to his brother.

You have no other option, you will lose potential business ( I do think that the hobby should take priority unless we are talking hundreds).

Can you ignore him and say that as there is no other option you are going to ask his brother. Your decision as you have to make the arrangements.

GooseberryJam Wed 19-Nov-14 13:26:54

As bonzo says, pay a babysitter just this once. You will have to pay to join something like Sitters (think it's about 15 pounds for 3 months?) plus the actual charge of the babysitter but then you will have back-up in case this happens again in the future, which is likely with the demands of a new business and will at least save you stress.

On this specific occasion YABU as his arrangement was already made. We also have the 'first person to book it on the calendar gets dibs' rule. However, it does seem to be that 2 nights out every single week that are unchallengable is a lot, and presumably limits what you could do yourself (either for the business or pleasure). I'd be a bit hacked off at working round that all the time. When do you get to go out and how often?

LittleBairn Wed 19-Nov-14 13:29:01

He's being unfair this is your job who puts their hobby before their partners career?!

Flywheel Wed 19-Nov-14 13:29:06

YANBU. Your work is surely more important than his hobby. If he was missing the competition it would be different. First on the calendar can't be a blanket rule surely. I would always cancel my hobby if an important work commitment came up for my Dh (and vice versa)

googoodolly Wed 19-Nov-14 13:29:55

He's being ridiculous. He either needs to grow up and ask his brother, or miss his hobby. Work comes above a hobby that he's already doing another night of the week as it is. If he's that desperate to go to his hobby, he can ask his brother or arrange alternative childcare.

TwelveLeggedWalk Wed 19-Nov-14 13:32:34


he, presumably, goes out to work during the day. You, I am guessing if you work for yourself, are at home with the kids or around for nursery/school drop-offs, poorly children, and all the rest of it.

You're a family, so you're a team. He needs to put his family team first above his hobby/sports team.

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:34:26

Actually I work full time as well. Life is pretty full on.

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:39:02

I'm mainly trying to get the business off the ground so I can scale back my hours at my FT job, which benefits everybody. DH currently does a ridiculously early start so he's home for school pick up and he does all the evening meals (he hates cooking and I don't) and a huge amount of to-ing and fro-ing.

So you'd think he'd be as keen as mustard for me to make a success of the evening job.

wanttosqueezeyou Wed 19-Nov-14 13:39:33

We can't afford to put hobbies over work. That's it really.

We do have the 'first on the calendar' rule for social things but if it generates income that's totally different.

He's also being U about the BIL. I would just ask him. Your DH doesn't 'own' the BIL. He seems to want it every way.

Finally I would pay a babysitter (from the joint account) if its an investment in your business. However, sounds like you need to have a chat as this may happen again.

ShockingBadHat Wed 19-Nov-14 13:39:35

In fact I'm going to point that out to him tonight.

Teeb Wed 19-Nov-14 13:42:02

I don't think the first on the calendar rule works if it means 104 nights are off the table to the op straight away.

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