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AIBU to feel like a second class citizen?

(8 Posts)
HorsesDogsNails Wed 19-Nov-14 11:51:46

My DNephew has a serious illness which is being treated. My parents have struggled hugely with this and I have taken the brunt of it. So far since diagnosis they told me 'no need for you to go to the hospital, we're here now' when they came back from a holiday, and not telling me he was home for his birthday but then coming down to me full of how marvellous it was to see him.....

I discover this morning when visiting my elderly grandmother that DNephew is back in hospital with an infection..... She saw my dad yesterday.

AIBU to want to be kept in the loop? It's my brothers youngest - all I expect is a quick text from somebody hmm. I feel sad, excluded and unimportant. I know I'm not actually important but I love my nephew and I care.....

SockDrawer Wed 19-Nov-14 11:57:08

Who is it that you want to be contacting you? If it's your parents then can't you just ask them to let you know if anything happens unexpectedly (when they get a moment after dealing with it themselves)?

If it's your brother that you're expecting to text/call you then YABU. Hasn't he got enough to deal with? Surely when he does call people about it is as much to get support as it is to keep them informed. If you want to be more involved then you need to make the effort to get in touch more often, offer your support to your brother.

JeromeSqualor Wed 19-Nov-14 11:59:30

horses it is about your nephew not you.
Why not call your brother and offer him some help or support?

TheAlias Wed 19-Nov-14 12:07:30

I've been through this recently and thankfully we've just heard that DN is in remission.

I understand exactly how you're feeling, I definitely saw less of and had less contact with DSis and her family while he was ill than I had before.

My parents were devastated too and badly needed to feel needed - that they could help better than anyone else could, they didn't want me to "steal" the small things they could help with IYSWIM.

It would be nicer if people remembered that you're upset too, but it is understandable that FTB they're no putting you first.

All you can do is offer to help, as Jerome says, but please don't be offended if that don't want help - having extra "helpers" about can often actually be the exact opposite. Send regular texts wishing him well and asking for updates but again, don't expect an immediate response. Send little gifts for DN and any other children if you can.

There is an overwhelming need to be doing "something". Could you focus your energies on fund raising for a charity connected to his illness?

Sheitgeist Wed 19-Nov-14 12:09:02

Difficult.
Its not the first thing that people think of when they're stressed about a loved one - particularly a child - being ill: "Oh I'd better call and keep so and so updated".
Perhaps they don't want to worry you? My daughter had a long illness recently (mental health issue, but serious) and we didn't tell my DPs or MIL. There would be nothing anyone could do except make sympathetic noises, and frankly I literally couldn't talk about it.
How about regular short messages to DB or DP's along the lines of "hope you're all well today, and how is DN?" or "Hope all is well, please remember I'm thinking about you" or "Please let me know when you'd be happy for me to visit DN, I'd love to see him" ... "Is there anything I can do to help?"etc. to keep a dialogue going and remind them about your concern.

AMumInScotland Wed 19-Nov-14 12:10:13

It sounds like you and your brother aren't really in touch and you're relying on second hand information here. Is there a history to that, or is this just the way things tend to work in your family, with your parents at the centre passing on information?

YANBU to want to be kept in the loop, but it does all depend on the various relationships involved.

itsaknockout Wed 19-Nov-14 13:31:18

OK you have to visualise a set of concentric circles.Your DN is in the centre.The next centre contains his parents, the next his grandparents, the next uncles aunts cousins, close friends etc etc. The rule is you can only moan to someone in a circle further out than you (which is what you are doing posting on MN) you are not allowed to complain to anyone on a more inner circle ie your parents , your DB and DSIL

HorsesDogsNails Wed 19-Nov-14 14:18:02

Thanks for your input. My brother and I are both close and in regular touch but I don't expect him to update me whenever something happens - he's got enough on his plate. He knows I am here for help or support whenever he needs it.

I am disappointed in my parents but up thread it was said 'they need to be needed more than anyone else' and that is true. They need to be front and centre of this and I am the one who is having to accept that it makes some of their actions selfish. I know this is their coping mechanism but it hurts sometimes.

I understand the concentric circles thing and I would never complain to my brother, his wife or my parents. My poor DH and MN are my places to vent.

Thanks for the different perspectives.

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