To not want to go to DMs for Christmas

[HellKitty]

NC'd but regular, naice ham, toilet brush, sporn addict, penis beaker...

She is hard work, all my hang-ups come from her. She never babysat or did 'grandma' things unless it was to take photos to boast to her friends. They never came for christmas when my father was alive. He sadly died a few years ago. That christmas she came to me, my DCs and my OH (the DCs stepdad). I then moved 70 miles away with OH, the following christmas she came over to us and it was hard work - never helping but expecting to be waited on, never making a brew herself, expecting meals on the dot of o'clock. Christmas after she went to my brothers, he lives away. She bitched to me all about it afterwards, she likes to bitch. And now we come to this year.

She told me on the phone that perhaps me, my OH and the 3 teenage DCs should go over to hers for the day. She offered to cook - she can't cook so i would end up doing it, in a strange kitchen. She doesn't have a dishwasher and has to have everything in 100s of separate serving bowls so myself and OH would be washing up - a lot. We have a coupe with 4 seats, for 5 of us, yes, i know. If i have more than one drink then i'm an alcoholic and i need to drink a lot when i'm around her! joke...kind of.

She won't come to us because the kennels are fully booked so she can't get the dog in - no way is it coming here. But she fell out with the kennels the last time she used them, long story but basically the owner phoned me in tears - I thought the stupid dog had died but no, it was DM upsetting her.

She sulks, only to me, gives me the death glare which luckily OH and DS3 saw the last time so i'm not going mad and is generally hard work. I could cope if she came here and can find a home for the dog for 24 hours but she doesn't like to ask her friends.

Suggestions? And AIBU?

[NorwaySpruce]

Just don't go. What fun will it be?

I'd imagine your teenagers have plenty of plans of their own for Christmas, so tell your mother it won't work.

She has no problem telling you she can't come to your place because of...a dog.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

She told me on the phone that perhaps me, my OH and the 3 teenage DCs should go over to hers for the day.

'No, we have already got ours planned. Plus I don't like you, you expect everyone to do everything and sulk like a teenager. And you gaslight me. So no, thanks. We won't.'

[CaulkheadUpNorth]

Don't go.
Help her find alternative dog arrangements if it's important she comes to you (ie isn't alone) but otherwise step back and do Christmas at your house.

[AMumInScotland]

"No, that doesn't work for us. How about we pop by and see you for lunch on Boxing Day / a cuppa on the 27th / cocktails for New Year / when Hell freezes over?"

[HellKitty]

Oh god, I love you lot so much!
I am a mess of guilt, mainly due to her throughout my life so was expecting a bollocking. OH didn't know what to suggest, he didn't want to go but can't understand not having a good relationship with your mother - his is awesome. But he has seen my DMs bad side. When she phoned I repeated, "You can't find anywhere for the dog?", he was busy shouting "HOW ABOUT, THE PET CEMETERY". But she's deaf, luckily.

[Floundering]

So 5 of you should ruin your family Christmas for one miserable rude old lady??

Seems a tad imbalanced to say the least. You are making memories for you & the kids, don't ruin that for the sake of some misplaced sense of guilt.

Amum has it spot on.

[HellKitty]

Boxing day is a no-no. His family is coming from everywhere for a late supper at MILs. It will be very loud, boozy and fabulous*. DM would hate it and sit there in judgement (a different 'class' of people...) even if she did come over to us I'd leave her here with Eastenders that day.

*we're doing a brotherhood of man routine....admit it, you're all jealous!

[dreamingofsun]

don't feel guilty - why should you put your mother's enjoyment above 5 others on christmas day - a season which is for children especially

[SnowInWinter]

Don't Go.

Tell her you have plans already. It doesn't sound like an enjoyable day for you, but she did state that she wouldn't come to you because of the dog.....
After all you are not telling her she is not welcome, just the dog. If she refuses then its win win!
After all you did offer!

[hamptoncourt]

OP you just have to say No, it doesn't work for us to come to you. Either make other arrangements for the dog or go to DB.

By the way, you do realise that she bitches about Christmas at yours in exactly the same way she bitched about Christmas with DB don't you?

[hamptoncourt]

And now I can't get "Kisses for me, save all your kisses for me" out of my head!

waves fist angrily at OP

[HellKitty]

"By the way, you do realise that she bitches about Christmas at yours in exactly the same way she bitched about Christmas with DB don't you?"

Oh, i totally know! That doesn't bother me at all, i know DB took her to his SILs for lunch - a 3 course vegetarian feast so i doubt she'd want to go back - she doesn't 'do' veggie food...

and it's probably going to be Figaro hampton theres another ear worm for you!

[sharlxx]

holy shit no dishwasher! really dont think you should go

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

I can't imagine why you don't want to go, HellKitty - she is your mum, and I am sure you will really have a wonderf...... Nope, sorry - can't keep on talking that bollocks with a straight face - don't you dare ruin your family's Christmas by going to hers for such a horrible day!!

And don't feel guilty either - she has created this situation by her horrible behaviour. She is an adult and could be a fun person to be with, someone you'd love to go and visit, a pleasure to have in your lives, and she has chosen not to be that person - that's her choice, and now she has to abide by the consequences.

[girlywhirly]

YANBU. Say you have already made plans as a family and will be staying at home. Don't feel obliged to invite her to join you, she doesn't deserve to.

[GooodMythicalMorning]

I have similar issues. This year I stood up for myself and said no.

[HellKitty]

Sharl, i didn't mean to sound snotty over the dishwasher sentence if it read like that! I like to do my prep early to avoid as many pots, she would insist on cooking then let me do it - all. So a 90 min drive, cooking for 6 in a strange kitchen, having to wash up more plates than needed (think Dowton Abbey table settings), then driving back with three teenagers and no alcohol...!

GoodMythicalmorning, how are you feeling about that? and how are you dealing with any possible guilt?

[dustarr73]

Its 5 weeks to Christmas just tell her its to late for this year.It sounds like hell to be honest.And dont feel guilty she doesnt feel guilt for treating you like a slave.

[BoomBoomsCousin]

Did she washup when she came to yours? If not you could rock up for the meal (on the dot) so you can't get landed with the cooking. Eat. Stretch the meal out (maybe bring some nibbles and a cheese board with you so there's something you can pick at if her efforts are terrible) and leave straight after with much gushing and thanking. Then head home for a decent but pre-prepared evening meal with plenty of booze.

With any luck she won't want you back...

Really, don't go. Life is too short to be spending your time doing something your whole family will dislike on what is supposed to be a celebratory occasion. Could you suggest a restaurant Christmas dinner somewhere between you both?

[GooodMythicalMorning]

Im actually pretty happy about it. I've never had Christmas my way before so even though I did feel horrible about doing it I felt a weight lift off once it was done. I had guilt even doing what she wanted as i knew that dh didnt enjoy it even though he didnt say it and I felt guilt that I couldn't see anybody else.

[HellKitty]

I've had 40+ years of guilt trips so I'm finding them hard to let go! Anyway, the ball is now in her court