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AIBU to believe that parents are NOT "supposed" to help put older children?

(79 Posts)
bellarations Tue 18-Nov-14 15:05:18

I mean it's great "if" they can, and if the want to, but it's rather rude to assume parents "are supposed" to help out financially or otherwise once their children have reached adulthood.

ChimesAndCarols Tue 18-Nov-14 15:07:28

I think you may wish to change your thread title grin

minipie Tue 18-Nov-14 15:12:39

Hmmm... I used to agree with you, but that was before I realised how many financial advantages my parents' generation have had, that my generation will never have. Free university; final salary pensions; pension age of 60/65; house price boom; non means tested old age benefits; etc.

If parents help out their older children then that goes some way to redressing that intergenerational unfairness.

EatShitDezza Tue 18-Nov-14 15:12:56

Put them where? grin

MissHJ Tue 18-Nov-14 15:18:35

My mum would always help me loads if I needed it. She would say I am her child whatever age i became. My brother is the baby, by a few years, my mum would happily cook him dinner, run around after him if he was in his 40s! I mean I don't really need that much help, but she does look after my son for me now and again and if I was desperate for money, she would sell her gold to give it to me. I think as long as your adult children don't take advantage then there is nothing wrong with helping them out if they need it.

It's family, you love them so you help them. I babysit my cousins for my aunt, take them out for days, lend money to my nan, help her with the shopping etc. Its just the way we are.

sillymillyb Tue 18-Nov-14 15:20:33

I help out my mum, even though she is a grown up and older than me (obviously!) I don't think it's about age, I think it's about helping someone you love because you are in a position to do so.

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 15:20:42

I never helped mine financially,..well apart from gifts when they moved into their own places. I was not in a position to make large donations to them.
Both of my DCs earned their own money from an early age ( part time work etc) and have learned to be responsible for themselves.
Both have done very well.

Summerisle1 Tue 18-Nov-14 15:21:39

I don't think it is entirely fair to demonise earlier generations since not everyone actually benefitted enormously from these alleged advantages. Sure, there were grants and not student loans but then access to university was a deal harder. Not all of us from that generation can claim their pension at 60 (I wish) and whilst house prices have gone through the roof, it isn't something you necessarily benefit from all the while you need a home yourself.

Would we help our grown up children? Well yes, with certain things we would and have done. But they don't see this as any sort of right and they also recognise that they stand to inherit significant assets when we die. In the meantime, they seem keener on making their own way in life than they do in asking for handouts.

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 15:22:11

Mind you - both of them moan about it - but then they will also boast to people they never depending on anyone but themselves.
Kids are never happy what you do/don't do!grin

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain Tue 18-Nov-14 15:25:03

Id like to think I will still be helping my kids out.

Obv I wouldnt if they were spending their cash on sweets but if there was a cash emergency, or a deposit for a house, child care etc.

TarkaTheOtter Tue 18-Nov-14 15:27:43

I think it depends on the context.
Help with university tuition fees/living costs, for example, is assessed on parent's income. So I think there is an assumption that parents will still provide financial support to some extent.

I know my mother would always help me out if I needed it (I haven't). My father, not so much. He apparently couldn't contribute to my uni fees (back when they were paid upfront) because his girlfriend was also a student. Despite the fact that I didn't receive any govt. support towards them as he earnt too much. Despite a good relationship now I struggle to get over that.

minipie Tue 18-Nov-14 15:29:35

Summer I don't blame or demonise the previous generations for having had those advantages. I do to some extent blame successive governments for not biting the bullet and raising pension age in line with life expectancy, but other things are just luck. And I fully appreciate not everyone will have had that luck - my comments relate to those who have.

KnackeredMuchly Tue 18-Nov-14 15:31:28

I'll help them out as much as suits me to be honest. They're obligated to nothing after the age of about 30 I reckon.

I certainly wont do 'childminding' but I'm sure I will babysit odd days and overnights on an ad hoc basis.

Financially it depends on my income, but I am hopeful I can be generous of course! I certainly don't think anyone has to babysit or loan money etc.

duplodon Tue 18-Nov-14 15:34:08

My grandparents supported my mum hugely as a young adult until she was about forty. She has paid 200 a week to my gran since she turned 60 (25 years ago). Not as repayment, because in our family whoever has, helps.

OldBeanbagz Tue 18-Nov-14 15:35:55

I don't expect my parents or MIL to help out but it's always gratfully received when they offer/do.

Without them we may have lost our house when we were in debt and now we're back on our feet we've fully repaid them and let them know just how much it meant.

They're also aging now so it's my turn to help them in return with lifts to hospital appointments, cooking a bit extra and helping out when i can.

Would i help my children when they're grown up. Without a doubt - Yes, if i can but i won't be making doing their laundry when they've left home!

Sunna Tue 18-Nov-14 15:36:05

Mine helped us out in the early days and bought loads when the DCs were born.

We pay it forward and help our DCs. We're "comfortable" and can afford it. Both left university without debt.

We won't be providing childcare on a regular basis, should they have children, though.

TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain Tue 18-Nov-14 15:40:06

Also my parents are v comfortable and when we had money problems, they had no issues seeing me and DS go to a homeless shelter after eviction as they would neither help with money or with a bed to stay in (and they had plenty of both)

I know thats their right. But I dont think its ok. And I would never do that to my kids.

Now we are on a slightly better footing, it galls me to see her helping out another sister but you cant mention it because apparently we have enough!

I keep a very superficial relationship with my parents now, only cos my dad is very ill.

MissBattleaxe Tue 18-Nov-14 15:48:01

I think if parents want to help their adults, fine, but if the kids have a massive sense of entitlement and see it as their due, then no, the kids shouldn't feel that way.

Yes the previous generation did, in my opinion, have it a damned sight easier financially than we are having it now, but that doesn't mean they "owe" us.

TipsyTitFace Tue 18-Nov-14 15:48:03

Well after my relationship breakdown, pending homelessness, and me losing my job, I am extremely grateful for them letting me move home and helping me get back on my feet.

Both are pensioners btw, who haven't a lot of money.

Should they have seen me with no other option other than homelessness? (As a single female with no children I'm sure it would have led to that)

Do you expect your children to help you when you are old? Or to to say you are adults, you can take care of yourself?

sanfairyanne Tue 18-Nov-14 15:56:38

i see it as being part of what 'family' means
most cultures do
we are more hands off than most cultures

Winterbells Tue 18-Nov-14 17:11:49

I think this idea of "You're 18 now, you're an adult, you're on your own!" is absurd. People should help and support each other as much as they can and are able to. It's what family does!

My parents helped me by supporting me when I had children, looking after them so I could work and go back to school and then they also nursed me through serious illness. When they became ill I cared for them until they passed away, just like they cared for their parents. PiL helped out DH financially when he was younger, which meant he finished his schooling with very little debt, and then they allowed him to live with them for a couple of years so he could save enough to buy a house and support his own family. Now we look after them, by caring for my ill FiL and in any other way we can.

DH and I (and our siblings) are all independent, hard working and responsible people with strong family ties. Being helped by our parents was beneficial and played a large part in making us that way.

I will still care for and help my children in any way I can when they are grown. No matter their age they are still my children, I don't want them to struggle or flounder, I will want to help them and I hope they feel the same about me when I am old and when they have their own children.

Jengnr Tue 18-Nov-14 17:22:14

Of course. And children should help out parents where they can too. That's how it ought to work isn't it?

I can't believe that some people on this thread wouldn't do 'childminding' for their grandchildren. I appreciate some family relationships are different but, to me, it is something you do that everybody benefits from. The parents get to go to work or go out together, the grandparents and grandchildren get to spend precious time with each other and foster a relationship. Obviously some people can't do that but it's those who won't who baffle me.

ModernToss Tue 18-Nov-14 17:47:06

I don't plan to do childminding when I'm a grandparent. I've worked my whole life, looked after other people (children and parents) and put them first, and plan to be able to call my retirement time my own. I will babysit whenever I'm asked, and look after grandchildren so that their parents can have a holiday, but I won't get tied down to a regular arrangement.

Financially, I would rather help my kids now than make them wait for an inheritance, but within reason - i.e. not for luxuries that they could save for, and not beyond my means.

SaucyJack Tue 18-Nov-14 17:54:21

Agreed. My mum is as poor as a church mouse anyway, so that's not an issue.

DP's parents are far, far better off than any of their children. It would be lovely if they helped any of us out with anything, but they don't. So that's that. Getting bitter solves nothing.

Vycount Tue 18-Nov-14 18:24:34

I agree. I want my Mum to have as much fun as she can with her money. When it's my turn that is what I'll do.

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