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to think that my husband should agree to accept the money from my parents?

(61 Posts)
runningandjumping Tue 18-Nov-14 13:16:05

We decided to buy a house (we're renting at the moment) and my parents offered to give us a large sum of money for our deposit, so that we have less mortgage to repay. Now my husband doesn't want to take money from my parents, as he doesn't want to owe them anything and thinks that they would interfere more should we accept the money. Generally my parents and DH have a good relationship, so I'm surprised by his reaction. I haven't told anything to my parents yet, as it would probably offend them. They can afford helping us and my children are their only grandchildren. Do you think I should try to persuade my DH to take the money?

Polyethyl Tue 18-Nov-14 13:22:58

Yes. But be gentle in yiur persuasion.
There's no need to pay more to tell banks than necessary.
Your family has the money to spare, so it's daft to prefer a bigger debt than using your family's savings.

My husband took a while to come to terms to the idea of having use of my family's money. But the obvious advantages spoke for themselves in the end.

whatsthatcomingoverthehill Tue 18-Nov-14 13:24:48

Is it a gift or a loan? Are there likely to be any strings attached?

NotYouNaanBread Tue 18-Nov-14 13:24:56

If your parents are anything like mine, then he's crazy. Of course you should accept help from your parents - it's what parents are supposed to do. By having this helping hand at this stage in your lives, you will be better able to pass this sort of help on to your children when they reach this stage in their own lives.

On the other hand, is there a chance that he's right? Are your parents given to interfering? Would the gift of a deposit lead to constant sticking in of oars when it comes to the tiles you use in the bathroom? The way you mow your lawn? "After all, we helped you buy the house, so we should have a say." and so on. What do you think?

Wishtoremainunknown Tue 18-Nov-14 13:26:07

YY most important is it a gift or a loan ?

emotionsecho Tue 18-Nov-14 13:26:54

Do they interfere now, do you think they would if you took the money, would they make any comments along the lines of how they have helped you out?

Your dh may just be the type of person who would feel beholden to them even if they do/would do none of the above. If he feels awkward about it it could put a strain on his relationship with them which would not be worth it in the long run.

A solution could be to suggest the money is an interest free loan repayable when you sell the house, or to be paid back in instalments, or you could suggest that the money they have given you is for your children to be given to them when you sell, that might make it more palatable for your dh. However, if he is really against it I wouldn't try to persuade him to accept it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 18-Nov-14 13:30:35

Would it be a gift or a loan? Because if it is a gift then why is he talking of owing them anything?

Better to have it now that have to pay more mortgage interest and then a big lump of inheritance tax at some point in the future, surely?

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 13:30:55

I think you should try to understand your DH on this one.
I think many people would feel the way he does because they would feel it is not 'their' house in the same way.
Your parents are not his parents however well they get along - and he may not want this to be the cause of future problems.

The fact you say your parents may be offended if he turns the offer down says enough!
Why should they be offended? An offer does not have to be accepted, however well intentioned.
Your DH is looking ahead to what could go wrong - and if he is right then it would cause problems between the two of you as well as with your parents.

I would not have liked my in laws to pay a deposit on my house.

runningandjumping Tue 18-Nov-14 13:32:31

It could be a gift or a loan. My parents are not very interfering (and if they make any comments, I'm always the one who has to listen to them). I don't think that they will interfere more than they do now tbh.

bearleftmonkeyright Tue 18-Nov-14 13:32:50

Whatever the reason is you need to have a very open discussion and come to a decision that's right for both of you. Im firmly on the fence on this but I can see why he would have his concerns.

financialwizard Tue 18-Nov-14 13:36:10

My Mum & Dad gave me money towards my previous house purchase and they have not let me forget it for 12 years. So I can see where your husband is coming from.

Floggingmolly Tue 18-Nov-14 13:37:57

He sounds quite sensible to me...

emotionsecho Tue 18-Nov-14 13:39:54

Another option would be for them to gift you a sum of money that you could use for whatever you like in respect of the house, so not necessarily as part of the deposit ifyswim, you could use the money for legal fees, removals, decorating, buying new furniture, etc., that way it may come across to your dh as less of a 'we paid for part of your house' idea.

I think your dh is probably wary that the relationship dynamic between him and your parents will change even if it because of the way he feels about it and not them.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 18-Nov-14 13:41:16

What does that mean 'it could be a gift or a loan'? What have they offered. I'm also a bit hmm at the 'won't interfere more than they already do' part.

In other words, they do interfere, haven't been clear on whether they would expect the money to be repaid or not and therefore could well use it as leverage if you don't run your life the way they expect you to?

I can certainly see why your DH isn't keen, and I say that as someone who has accepted a very generous financial gift from their parents.

Castlemilk Tue 18-Nov-14 13:41:27

You can't force him.

Would he be more open to an interest-free loan? Or even WITH some interest, so that your parents lose nothing at all, and all you've done is essentially do the bank out of the extra cash they'd have made out of your family by putting some of your parents' savings into the house for long enough for you to get that bigger deposit and better interest rate?

It would be madness to turn that down. A proper gift - no, not if he feels very strongly about it.

VanitasVanitatum Tue 18-Nov-14 13:42:21

He has to be comfortable with this. You need to listen openly to his reasons, he obviously feels differently to you about their influence in your lives. If he doesn't want this you can't force him.

MissYamabuki Tue 18-Nov-14 13:45:07

My MIL has offered us a considerable amount and I will not accept it. Yes it's due to interference, comments, making us feel beholden. Also even though she says it's a gift I know she will ask for cash back in a few years' time when her other income runs out.

I'd much much rather have a bigger mortgage than look at my house and think I owe it to her.

We might use the money for DC uni fees instead - still undecided.

LaurieMarlow Tue 18-Nov-14 13:53:31

You must respect his wishes. And he's right to be concerned. I know my DH would not want to accept this if we were in the same position.

It doesn't matter how good the relationship between you partner and your parents is - it's natural to feel uncomfortable when beholden to someone else's money. Offers like this can upset the power dynamics of your relationship and his relationship with your parents. It's totally reasonable of him to think this way.

runningandjumping Tue 18-Nov-14 13:54:32

My parents offered us the money as a gift, and I suggested the interest-free loan scenario to my husband, as I thought he'd be happier with that. My parents don't interfere much apart from comments directed at me, so my husband wouldn't be in any worse position than now I think.

KnackeredMuchly Tue 18-Nov-14 13:54:36

We borrowed money for a deposit for our last house. It felt SO good to repay them and clear the debt for the next time. I did not like having it around my neck even though they are the most non interfering brilliant in laws ever.

MrsSquirrel Tue 18-Nov-14 13:58:44

YABU to think he should just agree to accept the money. It would be his home too and you need to take his feelings into account.

You say your parents are not very interfering. In other words, they do interfere sometimes. Neither you nor your dh (nor your parents) can really know whether they will be more interfering once they give you the money. Seems reasonable to me that dh doesn't want to take that risk.

No don't try and persuade him, but do have a further discussion with him about how you both feel.

avocadotoast Tue 18-Nov-14 13:59:20

My parents (very) generously gave us the deposit for our house (95% mortgage, we live in the north, so not as much as it would be for a lot of people!). And even though it was coming from my parents I felt a bit weird about it. I wanted to save until we could match what they put in, but with prices going up it just didn't seem worth it.

What I'm trying to say is that money is a very personal thing, and while you can be incredibly grateful it's also possible to feel like you don't deserve it at the same time, or that you should work harder yourself. I recently found out that DH owes his parents some money from years ago and my immediate reaction was to try and work out how we could start to pay it back (even though they're not fussed).

But as others have said, look at your options smile

SignoraStronza Tue 18-Nov-14 14:03:36

I'm sure I've read about mortgages where parents are able to hold their savings in a certain account to guarantee a loan. The money remains theirs but assists in affording an amount that wouldn't usually be lent by the banks.

SignoraStronza Tue 18-Nov-14 14:06:34

That's it. Family offset mortgage or Family springboard mortgage.
Might be an acceptable alternative for your dh.

ChelsyHandy Tue 18-Nov-14 14:23:25

Some people would love to have such a principled DH, willing to stand on his own feet. I think your bigger problem is by far that you don't agree on such a fundamental issue, and obviously have very different values.

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