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To hope my friend would visit me when she's in town?

(17 Posts)
Layladylaylay Tue 18-Nov-14 12:55:06

A very old friend of mine ( and a close friend) lives over an hour away by train or car. For most of our friendship I've travelled to see her partly because there is more to do where she is, but also because she's never volunteered to come and see me.

For over 2 years now she has been coming to my town for therapy though she is 'over the worst' says and is going partly out of habit. I told her from the start that I didn't expect to see her weekly and she mustn't feel obliged to call in. But I did expect us to meet for a coffee now and then. In all of those 2.5 years she has not offered to meet once. I have asked her twice and she agreed to, and I have also said that it's open house- don't wait to be asked just say you'd like to meet up ( so as not to pressurise her in any way.)

I decided that she was not making any effort so stepped back a bit. She confronted me about why I had cooled, I told her I was hurt about the not seeing me when she could and it didn't go down well.

We've got over it but I am still a bit hurt- and now when we speak she still says 'we must meet soon'- but the inference is that I will make the trip to her. She knows she is welcome here any time, but clearly she wants me to make all the effort by doing the journey to her.

I work, she doesn't, and I suppose I still feel she could make more effort.

ArcheryAnnie Tue 18-Nov-14 13:05:27

I'd be hurt, too - I've had a couple of friendships like that, where we really get on when we meet, but where I feel I've made most of the effort.

Having said that, if she's coming to your home town for therapy, then she may not be in a great emotional condition to have a social visit afterwards. Therapy can churn up all sorts of things, and she may need a quiet time, or just to go home, in order to process her session. It really in this case may be more about her than you.

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 13:23:27

If it bothers/hurts you so much that she doesn't visit you, then stop making the effort to visit your friend.
Surely the object is to spend time with her - which you enjoy, so why does it matter who makes the effort?
I do know some people prefer people to come to them - and perhaps your friend feels it is nicer when you visit her.

Have you actually ASKED her why she doesn't visit you? If she had given a reason or explained then that would help surely?

You just need to decide if this issue is a deal breaker on your friendship. Only you can decide that.

FinallyHere Tue 18-Nov-14 13:36:11

Could you ask her whether she feels that she might be up to visiting you either before or after the therapy, at some point?

Her answer might give you some clues.

Layladylaylay Tue 18-Nov-14 15:11:17

I have asked her and also pre-empted her thinking; I said right from the start that she might not feel like seeing anyone straight after a therapy session and she said she liked the trip home alone to 'process' stuff.
But I honestly thought that she might at least compromise and see me maybe once in every 4-6 weeks because she is here weekly.

I've had therapy and so have other friends; it's a bit of a luxury being able to have another hour or two to process the session- many people have to get back to work, family, or whatever afterwards.

She could have an hour alone if she needed to once her session had finished- we are surrounded by nice places to have a cuppa. I could keep the rest of my day free and she could easily plan her commitments to give herself some time for us.

It costs me £25 to get public transport to see her. It seems mad she is here and unwilling to make the most of the chance to meet up. I feel resentful she expects me to make the journey when she's not making any effort at all- and it's all about 'her'.

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 15:17:36

In that case,...Perhaps you can tell her you feel resentful and that you will not be visiting her again until she makes some effort.
You may well never see each other again just because you want to make a point about it rather than consider what matters most to you - her company? or that she is not playing fair on this?

Someone has to give in - but it seems neither of you want to.

Layladylaylay Tue 18-Nov-14 15:23:23

You need to know the back history. I knew her for several years before I lived where I do now; she never ever visited me then.
I don't actually want the company of a friend who is so self absorbed that they aren't willing to put their own needs 2nd occasionally. That isn't being a good friend.

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 15:25:27

You don't have a problem then - dump her.

LadyLuck10 Tue 18-Nov-14 15:29:06

Yanbu, in 2.5 years I can't believe that she couldn't find the time once.
You seem very welcoming, so she actually made it clear she doesn't want to make the effort.

Layladylaylay Tue 18-Nov-14 15:30:52

Lady- she did find the time once, maybe twice, but I had to ask beg almost. And then she was clock watching wanting to get back for something else. She didn't initiate it.

LurkingHusband Tue 18-Nov-14 15:33:15

Doesn't sound like a friend ... more like a Queen who holds court.

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 15:33:46

Why are you torturing yourself over this? Do you want to MAKE her do as you think she should?
True - she could make SOME effort - but she doesn't seem keen, so you have to decide whether you put up with it - or dump her as a friend.

SaucyJack Tue 18-Nov-14 15:35:11

YANBU. I know her sort- they don't want friends, they want audience members.

Layladylaylay Tue 18-Nov-14 15:48:01

Only torturing as she's been a friend for 35 years ...and she doesn't take the hint when I back off which has made it harder.

Aeroflotgirl Tue 18-Nov-14 15:52:26

I would still distance, does not sound like she makes much effort, what sort of friendship is that!

Davsmum Tue 18-Nov-14 19:04:48

Well,..If she was a friend for 35 years you have had plenty of time to know what she is like and yet you have chosen to remain friends.

Or has she changed in the last few years?
If she is having therapy ( for reasons we do not know, obviously) then it is likely her behaviour may be affected by whatever it is she is having therapy for?

If it IS recent that she has been like this, then as a friend you need to show some understanding - but if she has always had this attitude of not bothering or being selfish it seems strange you have put up with it for so long.
It really doesn't sound like you want to be her friend any longer, so maybe you should back off and leave her to it if she refuses to make the effort.

lljkk Tue 18-Nov-14 19:21:23

I have a friend a bit like that, I've learnt that the friendship has to exist mostly on her terms. I was a bit shocked at first, I guess I see more potential in the friendship than she does (or maybe I'm just more needy?!). There are other people worth more investment of my time & energy.

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