Seeing someone for first time after a big argument

[Amber76]

I had a big falling out with my sister over three months ago. Long story in a nutshell is that she said I don't supervise my children properly and that they are badly behaved. This is not true. And she said I was a rude person and had lied about things in the past. Didn't lie about issue in question and don't think I'm rude - she didn't give any examples to back up. I didn't insult her in anyway - the falling out was about her accusing me of things and me defending myself.

Anyway, I tried to sort it out by email but that just made it worse. She stuck by what she said and didn't apologise for the things she said. We've had no contact since - we would usually have seen each other once a week or so.

Her 4 year old is having a birthday party this weekend and we were included in the general family invite. We'll go to keep a general sort of family peace and because I'm fond of my niece and want to cousins to see each other. But I am so allergic. Any advice?

[CinnabarRed]

Allergic? To what?

[Coffeethrowtrampbitch]

I've recently had a falling out with a friend (like you I'd done nothing, our ds's were fighting at nursery and she blamed my ds) and I have to see her every day at nursery drop off and pick up. She has also done some pretty vile things to my dd because she isn't speaking to me.

I just ignore her completely. I would advise you do the same, it means you don't have to be worried about what to say or if the argument will reignite. There should be plenty of other people there, talk to them instead and avoid her if at all possible.

You have my sympathies, I have two sisters and have had some epic fallouts but I think I'd never speak to them again if they criticised my parenting as your sister has done.

[TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain]

I would say poster might be Irish maybe? Tis common to say, oh Im allergic to something, it means I dont want to do it or go.

[TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain]

Have you someone who can take your kid with them and you stay home OP?

[Thebodynowchillingsothere]

Think that's a misspell?

Op I wouldn't be going to her party until she apologised or you had a meeting first.

It's not fair to have a row at her dds birthday party and that's what may happen.

[ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks]

Why are people on here SO picky!?? OP uses one word they don't like so they all post in a snarky, mock ignorant fashion.

So rude.

[HolgerDanske]

I don't think people were being picky or snarky. People asked for clarification, that's all.

And it wasn't 'all of them', was it. A couple of posters, and a couple more who offered a possible explanation for the term and some advice.

[CrockedPot]

It depends if you want to make up or not, and what kind of relationship you had previously. Me and my brother once had a big fall out that left us not speaking for a few months. In the end, one of us (him, I think) picked up the phone and we had a 'we will have to agree to disagree, life's too short' kind of conversation. And you know what? It is really, unless it's a bigger issue and you decide you'd rather have no contact. It took a while for me and db to get back to 'normal' but we're ok now. Maybe you could be the one to instigate that conversation?

[ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks]

Holger nope. It was obvious OP wasn't saying she was actually allergic to something but one posted HAD to put "Allergic? To what?" when OP had said nothing of the kind.

Few posts down there's another "Allergic?"

No need.

[HolgerDanske]

Anyway, I think it depends on what you imagine might happen. Would it be likely that a row will ensue? If so it's probably better to skip it as it'd be awful to cause a scene and upset at the party.

Are you going to back down and smooth things over in your own mind (I don't think you should feel like you ought to do that, fwiw) or will you start to feel angry if she tries to act as if nothing's happened?

[Legohair]

OP, I think we may be from the same place .

It depends on what you want to happen. Presumably the children will play together regardless, so if that's all you want from the encounter, just promote that and chat to other family members. Or do you want to mend bridges with your sister?

[Thebodynowchillingsothere]

claw it's not picky to ask a poster to clarify a post. It's completely normal otherwise how can you help!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Probably lots of back history and only you and she know what the truth of it is, but can you try a different tack, in future don't get drawn into arguments, just say "We'll have to agree to differ".

Depending on my mood at the time when faced with criticism, I'd either admit that I could handle things better or challenge it and stand up for myself. But that row started with your DSis finding fault with one thing and spiralled to include past wrongs, (as she saw it). As a parent herself she must have known that she was risking a furore by commenting on your parenting. What makes her the expert? Did she become a mother before you did?

I would take it as an encouraging sign she has invited you. Unless you worry it is going to be an ambush of sorts, see how she acts with you. If your DSis is the type of person who refuses to acknowledge that she is ever wrong, she may not apologise. At least by going, you show that you are prepared to make an effort.

[SavoyCabbage]

I think you need to make contact with her before the party if you want to go.

I don't think that it's a good plan to speak to someone you have fallen out with and not talked to for months at their child's birthday party. She will be busy and under pressure and there is a danger it might not go well which would be awful for everyone.

[HolgerDanske]

It was not picky or unreasonable to ask for clarification and I don't believe the comments are rude or snarky. Sure they could be read that way but they can also be read as straightforward. Tone is difficult to interpret, of course, but I think it's silly to get all het up over it when people haven't actually said anything snarky or mocking or rude.

Yes, I inferred what I thought it meant in that context but others might have wanted to be sure they understood correctly.

[HolgerDanske]

Anyway I don't know why I'm arguing over this, it has nothing to do with the OP.

I guess it's hard to know what to do here. My thoughts would be a) it'd be a shame for the children to miss out on seeing each other and the birthday child might feel sad at her cousins not coming to her party.

But,

b) maybe a child's party is not the right time to do the whole big-meeting-for-the-first-time-after-a-huge-falling-out thing...

Could you see your sister beforehand to talk it over? These things are usually better off done in person.

Also, do you want to smooth things over or are you still angry? Because if you're not yet ready to let it go, I would skip the party.

[Amber76]

I apologise for the use of the word "allergic" - thought it was universal! I'm Irish - its commonly used to describe not wanting to do something.

I would like to get on well with my sister again but find this very hard when she won't apologise for what she said. How can I be friends with her when she thinks I'm not very good at being a parent and that I'm not a nice person?

I don't like the idea of going to her home when she thinks so little of me (and my kids) but at the same time I'd like to see my nieces and nephews. I don't want to go and ignore her as I think that's juvenile. But I don't want to act as if nothing was said either. I will go but I'd love if anyone had been in a similar situation and has any advice.

[Amber76]

I would like to smooth things over but I think we see the argument very differently. I think there is a clear need for her to apologise - she does not.

And I am still cross about the things said - it has made me very paranoid about how I am as a person and as a parent.

[TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain]

See - told you she was Irish!

[HolgerDanske]

Hmm yes that's what I thought. Clearly if she hasn't apologised she doesn't think she did anything wrong, and more importantly, the things she said weren't just said out of anger or getting carried away in the moment (not necessarily excusable but it does sometimes happen), but are things she actually thinks and stands by now in the cold light of day. I don't think I would go, if it were me

[Winterfable]

Have you fallen out before? Is she quite hot-tempered?

[MonstrousRatbag]

I say don't go. Not just because you argued, but also because she's complained about your children being badly behaved. There is every chance of her picking on some aspect of their behaviour and complaining about it to validate her position in the argument.

Send a nice present along via another family member and stay away, is my advice.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Just wondering is DN an only child, does DSis have an unrealistic idea of how parents should handle more than one?

[TakeMeUpTheNorthMountain]

There is every chance of her picking on some aspect of their behaviour and complaining about it to validate her position in the argument.

^ This

Plus Im sure your child is well behaved but you will be constantly on alert watching to make sure they are behaving, putting pressure on you and the child.