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To leave ds to scream in his cot tonight...

(387 Posts)
listsandbudgets Mon 17-Nov-14 20:43:04

because I can't manage to deal with him tonight.

He's 2+4. EVERY NIGHT of his life he's screamed endlessly at bedtime. We tried going to him, lying down with him in the dark, cosleeping singing to him, letting him come downstairs, cuddling him, ignoring him, sitting holding his hand, seen GP and had various cchecks carried out to make sure he's not in some kind of pain...

but still he screams endlessly "MAMA,MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, MAMA...

Over and over again.

We finally get him off to sleep about an hour - two hours after putting him to bed (I say we its normally me as dp works away Monday to Thursday and someetimes longer).

He then wakes at 3am and it all happens again until about 4.30-5am.

Its affecting my mental health. I keep losing my temper, keep bursting into tears for no reason, I can't function properly at work and I'm facing a disciplinary for mistakes, I feel like everyone hates me and I wouldn't blame them

I've not had a full nights sleep since 3 months before he was born.

I can 't do it any more. I just can't do it....

AIBU to sleep in teh spare room with a pillow over my head and let him scream?

You'll all flame me I know you'll flame me and I deserve it.

He's still screaming I put him to bed at 8pm and I've already been in and given him 2 X10 minute cuddles

listsandbudgets Mon 17-Nov-14 20:44:02

I can hear him even when he's not screaming. I carry it in my head

Maidupmum Mon 17-Nov-14 20:47:11

If you've decided to do Controlled Crying & then you go in to them they've cried for no reason (my opinion only & I'm sure there'll be a flaming).

Get some ear plugs & ignore. In my experience - I've gone through it with 2 children- the 1st night they cry for hours, the 2nd night they cry for less than an hour & the 3rd night they cry for less than 10 minutes

If you've decided you're doing it, stick at it flowers

Cantbelievethisishappening Mon 17-Nov-14 20:47:50

You sound at the end of your rope.
You don't deserve a flaming.
Leave him to it
If others judge then so what.
Do you have any help in RL?
FWIW I used to let my daughter scream.
She is ok and it hasn't done her any harm.

flowers

Catsarebastards Mon 17-Nov-14 20:48:12

Oh god! I cant imagine what that is like but please dont leave him to scream. Whatever it feels like for you, imagine what it feels like for him sad it will be extremely stressful for him to be constantly screaming.

Fwiw this isnt normal and i would be back at the GP in the morning. Sounds like you would benefit from a sleep specialist. I'm sure there are Mnera near you who could recommend. Try posting in the sleep topic.

bigredtractor Mon 17-Nov-14 20:48:22

What calms him down? Anything? How doesithe screaming resolve itself each timeat moment?

girliefriend Mon 17-Nov-14 20:48:44

Yanbu at all infact I think you deserve a medal for managing this long!!

I think if you have tried everything, maybe it is time to get a bit tougher and say 'you know what this is not o.kay anymore, you need to sleep and I need to sleep'

I personally would have done it a long time before now, lack of sleep has a huge detrimental effect on my mental health and for that reason I have always been quite no nonsense at bedtime. If he is not ill, not in pain, not hungry - he now has to learn that bedtime is time to go to sleep imo!!

ghostyslovesheep Mon 17-Nov-14 20:49:20

depends if 2+4 is weeks and days or years and months to be honest

I feel for you

LokiBear Mon 17-Nov-14 20:49:26

Ok. Try this method. Lay him down, good night and love you, then leave. Return after one minute. Repeat but without talking. Only leave him for one minute. Do not stay in the room for longer than 20 seconds. Do not pick him up but do shh him and rub his tummy. It took me 4 days to get dd to go from 3 hours crying to 45 minutes. After 7 days she was settling in 10 minutes. flowers

Metalguru Mon 17-Nov-14 20:50:08

Didn't want to read and not say anything, but I can't really offer any advice as not experienced this, but how awful for you, over two years, it must be hard, hope you have supportive friends and family you can talk to. As you have tried co-sleeping and he still does it, I can't think of what else to do. Hopefully someone will come along who has been through similar x x

fourwoodenchairs Mon 17-Nov-14 20:51:00

YANBU.

You sound absolutely exhausted. You both need to sleep or you will be no good for each other. I can't believe you've not done it before this to be honest.

He will come to no harm. I would absolutely let him get on with it.

listsandbudgets Mon 17-Nov-14 20:52:46

sorry its 2 years 4 montths.

I feel so guilty leaving him to cry.

Loki I tried that for 3 weeks solid nothing changed sad

IMurderedStampyLongnose Mon 17-Nov-14 20:53:19

Do it,get some earplugs,make sure the room is safe and ignore.check him when it eventually goes quiet.I felt like this with my youngest and it drove me close to madness.you and he need to sleep.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 17-Nov-14 20:53:42

actually if he's shouting mama he's 2 years + isn't he - then YANBU - it must be exhausting

LokiBear Mon 17-Nov-14 20:54:04

Only leaving him for a minute will mean he will learn that you are coming back. Once he stops crying you might find that the intervals get longer. Resist the urge to stay in the room. It needs to be a quick reassurance and then back out again. If you can try not to talk then even better.

Droflove Mon 17-Nov-14 20:54:34

You poor poor thing. Total misery, no flaming for you. Can you possibly afford a sleep specialist? Its sounds like he is beyond the usual level of bedtime antics. I would suggest you get 1 lrg glass of wine to take the edge off. Go in and say time to sleep (not angry or fake happy voice, just normal). Tell him you will check him in 5 mins agaun and walk out. In 5 mins do the same but say 10mins. Then 15 mins. Dont engage with the drama but do come back as promised for a quick 'sleepy time'. Im sure you have done this technique a million times but its a plan. And no, its not unreasonable to go hide and cover your ears between planned visits. How about ear plugs to put in before starting bed each night. Youĺl still hear him but it will help u stay calm and a bit detached.

scousadelic Mon 17-Nov-14 20:55:06

We did controlled crying with DS who was a nightmare sleeper like yours. Some children do need something like this to learn to get themselves to sleep in my opinion.

We used a book called "Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems" by Dr Richard Ferber which was recommended by the sleep clinic our health visitor referred him to

BustyCraphopper Mon 17-Nov-14 20:55:23

Does he still scream even when you are holding him?

Catsarebastards Mon 17-Nov-14 20:55:27

Please go back to the GP or health visitor and ask for a referral to a sleep specialist. You both cant go on like this. It isnt fair on either of you.

Namedilemma Mon 17-Nov-14 20:55:42

I agree with those who say leave him to it - and do it consistently. He is not screaming because he is hungry or in pain, he is screaming because he knows it will get him what he wants. At 2.4 he is old enough to understand a bit, so explain that you love him but 8pm or whenever is bedtime, and then leave him to it - however long it takes. That's it. But you have to stay absolutely firm. In the morning, reassure him how much you love him but nighttime is for sleeping and that's that. I also predict it will be sorted within three days, a week at the outside.
Any sleep specialist you employ will just do a version of that.

morchoxplz Mon 17-Nov-14 20:55:47

Massive sympathy. So hard.
Firstly this will not last for ever.
You need to properly do controlled crying. I 'switch my emergency ears on' at bedtime now and genuinely only go back in an emergency.
Could you get support from a sure start group/worker. You will need to be consistent for a long time as he is quite old to be training him. What area are you in? You need RL support.
Good luck. Xx

LokiBear Mon 17-Nov-14 20:56:05

I really feel for you. Maybe there will be someone on the sleep board?

catbus Mon 17-Nov-14 20:56:11

What sort of thing actually gets him off to sleep?
Have you tried altering bedtimes?
Does it only happen in his bedroom- could there be something in there that's freaking him out?

I feel your pain, I really do. I have a 4 yo that's an appalling sleeper and always has been. But don't let him cry alone for long. As someone else has said, it must feel awful for him too.
I would certainly look at referral to a sleep clinic and rule out anything in his diet..
Hoping you get some sound advice very soon smile

Viviennemary Mon 17-Nov-14 20:56:38

I agree that he won't come to any harm if he's left. But I think I'd go in the room every ten or 15 minutes for a few seconds while he carries on yelling. Then he won't get into a panic hopefully. You sound exhausted. Letting this screaming carry on night after night isn't doing you or him any good at all. I agree it's time to get a bit tougher.

formerbabe Mon 17-Nov-14 20:56:45

Oh god! I cant imagine what that is like but please dont leave him to scream. Whatever it feels like for you, imagine what it feels like for him sad it will be extremely stressful for him to be constantly screaming

I completely disagree ...it sounds like all the other tactics op has tried hasn't stopped him from screaming, so if controlled crying stops him in the long run then it will be less stressful for everyone. The op doesn't need a guilt trip.

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