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to think it's unfair how women hold all the cards in a situation like this?

(191 Posts)
chickendhansak Mon 17-Nov-14 19:40:21

Yes I know there are plenty of deadbeat dads who don't step up, don't pay anything, barely see their DC, treat them as an inconvenience. Been there, got the tshirt etc.

But for the ones who do...the ones who want to spend as much time as they can with their DC, who pay all they should (and more), it still feel like they get the sticky end of the lollipop. Seeing the kids on Xmas and birthdays only if the XW agrees, missing out on all the everyday stuff because they can't see them every day. And having to the possibility when the XW starts a new relationship, of some bloke getting to spend more time with their kids than they spend with their own father.

I don't know what the solution is, I just think it's bloody hard, especially if it's the woman's decision to break up the family in the first place.

StickEm Mon 17-Nov-14 19:42:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OddFodd Mon 17-Nov-14 19:44:17

Most of the dads I know who give a shit have 50/50 (or more) care. Generally the sort of arrangement you're outlining in your OP happens when the dads are of the deadbeat variety

StickEm Mon 17-Nov-14 19:44:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funchum8am Mon 17-Nov-14 19:46:10

You seem to be talking about NRPs generally, not just dads. If more men were primary carers, more would get residency, or 50/50, after a relationship breakdown. Any man who is that committed to seeing his kids a lot needs to show it from birth, not just post-split. And the same for any woman.

I speak as a woman whose DH is primary carer of our DC.

RaisingMen Mon 17-Nov-14 19:48:32

YANBU. It is my husband's biggest fear, not that we're planning on splitting up. He knows I would never keep our son from him, but he still says anything less than he gets now wouldn't be enough.

I know several women who use their children as weapons against their ex, I'll never understand it. One of them can't bare her ex being with someone new, so when he met someone knew she wouldn't let him see his children until he ended the relationship. WTF?

Yes there are too many dead beat dads around to count, but there are some good ones around too and it's those I feel bad for when a relationship breaks down.

chickendhansak Mon 17-Nov-14 19:49:53

Realistically though if one parent work ft, and the other doesn't, it's impossible to get 50/50 care. Unless the working parent decides to give up work and sponge off the state, which I don't really think is an acceptable option for most people.

RaisingMen Mon 17-Nov-14 19:50:23

I'm not saying the mother should get less time with her children either, I'm just saying its a sad situation with no easy answer.

LineRunner Mon 17-Nov-14 19:52:28

My OH is the resident parent.

Yes, I see more of his DCs than their mother does (and we don't even live together). But I don't think either OH or I think for a minute that he holds 'all the cards' at all. It affects his life, his work and his emotions hugely.

Hakluyt Mon 17-Nov-14 19:53:55

If men want 50/50 care after a split, they should do 50/50 care before a split.

Oh, and claiming benefits is not "sponging off the state"

LineRunner Mon 17-Nov-14 19:54:46

OP, lone parents with residence can and do work full-time.

I'm one of them.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Mon 17-Nov-14 19:55:06

I think YABU to use so many cliched phrases. "Dead beat Dad" "Step up" "Been there got the t shirt"

I do think things are weighed in favour of women because when it comes to child rearing we are biologically superior due to our breastfeeding ability.

However, once a child is weaned there is no need to assume that women are automatically better.

chickendhansak Mon 17-Nov-14 19:58:59

The reality for a lot of decent men is if their wife decides to split, they're left basically with the scraps. The days of the week she doesn't want them, 27 Dec because she wants them over Xmas, maybe New Years Eve if she's got a childfree event to go to.

And yes you can try and take it to court, ask for more time but there are no guarantees, and who has £10k or more to spend going back and forth when legal advice is 'be grateful for what's been offered'.

DuelingFanjo Mon 17-Nov-14 20:01:38

Isn't it the case now that 50/50 is given in most cases where it is in the best interests of the children?

chickendhansak Mon 17-Nov-14 20:04:43

I am a lone parent, I work ft. I always have, so am well aware it is possible.

The point is if one parent has whilst married, chosen not to work, and is still not working post split, it is incredibly difficult for the working parent to defeat the presumption that the non working parent should have the DC most of the time. Yes they can ask for weekends but NO court would give the nrp every weekend. It just doesn't work like that.

If you're working to support a family it's pretty impossible to do 50/50 care. When my DC were little I was lucky to see them an hour or two per day.

chickendhansak Mon 17-Nov-14 20:09:07

The only family I know where care is split 50/50 is one where both parents work similar hours.

Where one parent doesn't work, the presumption seems to remain that they get the DC the majority of the time.

Cantbelievethisishappening Mon 17-Nov-14 20:11:09

If men want 50/50 care after a split, they should do 50/50 care before a split.
Because it really is this simple. hmm

OwlCapone Mon 17-Nov-14 20:11:51

Welcome to MN, OP.

ghostyslovesheep Mon 17-Nov-14 20:12:35

arf at women holding all the cards ...YABU for that alone

LineRunner Mon 17-Nov-14 20:15:00

I honestly don't understand what your point is. You seem to saying contradictory things afaics.

chickendhansak Mon 17-Nov-14 20:18:51

Please explain where I'm contradicting myself?

WooWooOwl Mon 17-Nov-14 20:22:36

Women are just as capable as men of being nasty and spiteful and selfish. Why wouldn't they be?

chickendhansak Mon 17-Nov-14 20:28:13

In a split, women do hold all the cards. It's a simple fact, especially if they have majority care. Courts favour mothers, it only changes when children are teens, ime, and there's some chance at that age of the court taking their views into account.

Like I said, women (ok, the rp, but thats usually women) decide what happens on Xmas, birthdays etc. The nrp gets the days they don't want. Assuming they can even get a response from the rp to discuss it that is.

I've bent over backwards to give my X opportunities to see our DC. My experience is that it's the useless parents (like my X) who get given chance after chance. The good, decent ones don't seem to.

I split from my X after years of abuse. I knew he had little interest in the DC, would be happy to see them a day here and there. If I had thought there was any risk of him seeking residence, I would never have left. I therefore entirely understand why parents (mostly fathers) are reluctant to end marriages.

Sickoffrozen Mon 17-Nov-14 20:32:48

I feel for men in these situations.

Someone I knew, had an affair, left her husband for an OM, moved 100 miles away and he now gets every other weekend visits. Doesn't seem very fair to me.

puntasticusername Mon 17-Nov-14 20:34:44

It's a simple fact.

I don't think you've quite proved that yet on this thread. You just keep saying it over and over again, which isn't quite the same thing.

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