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to not do as my friend thinks as I should?

(21 Posts)
QueenofallIsee Mon 17-Nov-14 17:52:36

I did not ever imagine myself being someone who would write a thread like this, even I think it is ridiculous but I am tying myself up in knots over it. Apologies for the essay!

I have a friend (lets call her Joanne), I am godmother to her son. We are from the same town but met as adults through a hobby. We have lots of mutual friends. I live an hour away now.

I have a group of friends that I travel back to my hometown to socialize with, Joanne came along fairly frequently until this time last year. She has a lively social life that I am not part of but we joined up our respective social circles from time to time if you see what I mean. All was well until one of her very close friends and one of mine had a public, unpleasant fall out. Shortly following, Joanne was overheard by my friend saying some spiteful things about her daughter (aged 10). I left it alone as I didn't hear it myself, had my other friend chosen to tackle her about it that would have been her choice but she shrugged it off - they were not close.

Joanne recently took me to task over her 'exclusion' from this group. It is fair to say that I do not invite her to join us anymore, instead seeing her alone, as it is very awkward. When she pushed me on it, I explained why. She cried and insisted that I help mend fences with group and tell them it was out of context. She then went onto say that it was OK if my friends were travelling to me for social reasons but if I was coming back to our hometown to see them, she must be invited. In her view, it is unfair not to ask her along and she feels foolish being left out, apparently it has been remarked on by her husband and neighbours that I have been 'seen' in town without her.

I object hugely to being dictated to like this. I am a known soft touch where my friends are concerned and I don't imagine that Joanne would be saying her invitation is mandatory to anyone else. I don't really want to be a mediator for her - other friend is not arsed as by her estimation they were acquaintances at best, there is no way she will forget what was said though I doubt she would make a scene. I am not invited to each and every social occasion of Joanne's nor would I expect to be. A nagging voice in my head forces to me to admit that I think slightly less of Joanne now than I did before (it was some very shocking things she said) so it is true I have made less effort to see her, maybe every 2-3 mths as oppose to monthly. This is probably partly why she is being like this.

So WWYD? Do I have to inform her of my intention to travel to her town (my hometown) and invite her along? Or do I let her know I will be there but make it clear that I will see her 'next time' thus basically saying 'you are unwelcome'. I do not want to hurt her but I don't want to have to basically ask permission to see my friends (and visit my family). I fear what I do here will set the tone forever...stupid politics, I am in my 30's FFS

Bricklestick Mon 17-Nov-14 17:56:34

Tell her that she made the mess, and she needs to clear it up, and you won't get involved. You don't have to do anything for her if it makes you uncomfortable. Joanne sounds like a right pain in the arse.

Bricklestick Mon 17-Nov-14 17:57:02

Then tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck etc.

mymummademelistentoshitmusic Mon 17-Nov-14 17:57:45

Drop her. She sounds a twat.

Sheitgeist Mon 17-Nov-14 18:02:07

She sounds controlling and unpleasant (insulting someone's child?). I should take I step back from her if I were you.

QueenofallIsee Mon 17-Nov-14 18:05:38

To be honest she is a pain in the arse and is certainly a bit controlling - very ready to offer a strident opinion on everything. DP says she always has been like that but I have got used to it over the years. This whole thing has brought into sharp focus those more negative traits I think. I was hoping to quietly step back whilst staying on good term but she has made such a statement about her expectations that I expect to be dragged into a fall out whether I want to or not!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Mon 17-Nov-14 18:05:42

I'd be tempted to drop her. Otherwise, I would just say that the mixing of the two social groups isn't working so that is why you have been seeing her separately.

If she wants to sort out the mess, that's up to her.

Pippidoeswhatshewants Mon 17-Nov-14 18:08:16

Just tell her you don't want to take sides and stay out of it

ButEmilylovedhim Mon 17-Nov-14 18:09:04

She sounds awful. I'll say my estimation of her would have gone down. Have I got this right? She made completely unprovoked, nasty, rude comments about a 10 year old girl? She's shown her true colours right there. In my world, being invited along to things is entirely dependent on being pleasant company. Any bitching or arguing would result in a person never being invited back again, especially when it's not even that person's own friendship group. She's a user and nasty and wants to save face by pretending none of it ever happened. It will all kick off again though, she won't be able to stop herself.

Why do you want to stay her friend? Honest question. Have you got a massive history together? I don't think she's a friend to you.

YvetteChauvire Mon 17-Nov-14 18:14:32

Don't spend too much brain time on this. Joanne is a awful and immature, and, as noted, controlling. I would tell her if she continued in this vain you will drop her.

WhereYouLeftIt Mon 17-Nov-14 18:15:40

I just wouldn't see her at all any more.

QueenofallIsee Mon 17-Nov-14 18:16:10

That's right ButEmily, she was overheard picking my friend and her daughter to pieces shortly after the big to-do (it was while talking to the other involved party). It was very hard to hear as I thought better of her. We all have a bitch from time to time (perhaps a hair or makeup comment about an adult blush) but this was nasty stuff.

if I am honest, I don't like her much anymore and this was at the end of a string of minor incidents that left me feeling unappreciated/taken advantage of, I was almost glad of a 'proper' reason to detach a bit. I have known her a long time and we have many mutual friends - I am very fond of her husband and her son and have spent a lot of time with them over the years. I am from a town where 'feuding' is common and I don't want to get dragged into that...but she really brings very little into my life these days. Staying friends with her even in the face of that is the lazy and not very ethical option though isn't it!

RhiWrites Mon 17-Nov-14 18:17:03

You can't manage her friendships for her. If she wants to mend fences with the other group that's on her to reach out to them.

But if you want to keep up the friendship with her (and you are godmother to her child so that's a factor) you could try to reconnect with her a bit more yourself and do things with her that remind her of why you like her.

Stormingateacup Mon 17-Nov-14 18:18:37

I think anyone who is nasty about a ten-year-old child is not someone worth being friends with.

Stormingateacup Mon 17-Nov-14 18:21:17

I would say to her that you do not want to get involved in the spat and that it is up to her to apologise and mend fences with the other friend.

QueenofallIsee Mon 17-Nov-14 18:22:59

Very true Rhi though there is really only 1 person in the group that you could say that she is friends with to mend the fences. She doesn't even have the telephone numbers of the friend she offended, she only ever saw them through me (mind you there is always Facebook etc) That is at least in part why I was so surprised at the whole performance is not as though she could claim that she was ostracized willfully by her dearest friends. I had seen her alone a few times this year..ironically this whole thing has gone some way to making me feel as though I would like to stop that as well! Hardly the outcome she was after. But I do love her little boy and would be sorry not to see him

QueenofallIsee Mon 17-Nov-14 18:27:38

Decision made I think, I will plan to see my friends, in my hometown and make no comment about it, nor will I hide it (they are Facebook taggers, bless them) If she takes me to task over why she was not included, I will say that she knows why and that it is unfair to keep insisting that I effectively sweep her behaviour under the carpet dons tin hat in readiness

If she cannot own that she created this situation, that is not on me.

ButEmilylovedhim Mon 17-Nov-14 18:49:27

Good decision op. I honestly think she would see it as a green light to continue being horrible if you invited her along. She needs to learn actions have consequences. Best of luck with it all. If she rounds on you (because none of it can be her fault), then you have all you need to know.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch Mon 17-Nov-14 19:11:11

I think you have made the right decision, op, life is too short to be dictated to by an unpleasant controlling person you are not sure you want to be your friend (understandable given how she's behaved!)

You have cheered me up massively however, I've recently had a friendship end in unpleasant circumstances and I feel very aggrieved. You'll never guess what former friend's name is...

I think they would get along well together, we should introduce them grin

GoodKingQuintless Mon 17-Nov-14 19:19:02

She has no right to insist that you keep inviting her to see your friends, especially not as she has been offensive. Before you know it, you will find yourself Wendied. You are right to keep her away from your friends and to distance yourself.

QueenofallIsee Mon 17-Nov-14 19:25:15

Good call Coffee!

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