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To consider going it alone at 32 weeks pregnant and I have an 18 month old?

(12 Posts)
Keepontrudging Mon 17-Nov-14 15:55:45

I just feel so low in the relationship. This pregnancy has been extremely trying due to various issues up untill around 20 weeks. Everything has now started to go ok, and thankfully it appears our baby will be fine. Sadly, our relationship is not recovering so well- and due to other strains (his work/ financial/ family) that have all come about since I got pregnant (not before) I don't know if we are actually strong enough to overcome them. I feel gut-wrenching guilt at the mere thought of splitting our family apart, but I really honestly don't think us being together is good for anyone either. A few weeks back he actually walked out on us and I find this unforgivable, though I have tried to forget. I keep thinking to preservere and hope it will all work out, but I find myself increasingly low -and it is always down to the arguments between us. To be fair to him he has made some significant changes lately; though these have been somewhat begrudgingly, and I still find his behaviour at times utterly intolerable. He is not abusive and is a good father, but when we do argue (when daughter is in bed) he is very shouty and behaves extremely immaturely. We are both 27, but emotionally he is much more immature. This has become apparent lately, I wohld t have had another kid if all these things were going on before! Everything seems to collapse around us when I fell pregnant this time. I really feel at a loss as what to do. I'm terrified of ending things, but staying with him and things getting worse afte the baby is here seems equally as intolerable. I ultimately want what is beat for my babies and I want them to have a happy life. At the minute my dd is too young to realise and we don't argue around her, we are very focused on her and being good parents. I'm just really confused. I speak to fiends in RL and many of them have a similar set up- or basically a put up and shut up mentality. They're not really in love etc but stay together as that's just what you do. I find that existence so bleak, but I don't want to be a single mum to a newborn and a toddler!AIBU to even consider this?

Keepontrudging Mon 17-Nov-14 15:57:43

Sorry for the typos :
I want what is best for my babies*

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 17-Nov-14 16:01:15

You don't have to stay with someone if you don't want to. For any reason. However, is this something recent and fixable when you are on more even keel. If you said that you will not be shouted at, that it is a deal-breaker, would he stop. Do you love him.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Mon 17-Nov-14 16:05:53

It's not a ridiculous idea, plenty of women do manage, whether through choice, abandonment or a partner who works away. It can't be easy (I am a lone parent but mine are much older) but if the alternative is a stressful and unstable relationship then it could be for the best.

Do you have plenty of other support, family close by and a good support network of friends?

Would you be happy to pass over your older one and eventually your newborn for your partner to care for them once a week?

It could actually be beneficial to you to have a break from looking after 2 little ones, especially if you are likely to bear the brunt of the care if he stays, but certainly to begin with it can be really hard to let them go.

Keepontrudging Mon 17-Nov-14 16:20:31

My biggest fear is the custody issue. I know he wouldn't be a basterd about it, but that is whatvis at the for front of my mind. How will cope not seeing them everyday? Though I inagine as dd is solittle it would only be a night away from me which I could handle. It's not what I want though.

We have tried and tried in the past few months but it just seems we a flogging a dead horse and his true personality is really coming tk light. That, or he is just fed up of me and it is making him so hostile towards me. He does get full of remorse and we go along ok again, but then something always seems to crop up. This weekend I had a friend stay and twice w behaved embarrassingly in front of her, snapping at me and then even shouting at me another time. I am not perfect and I need to change to, but I have to a great extent. It just feels more like this is not going anywhere as opposed to it's a rough time and it's salvageable. I just want to do what is best by my kids. I love him, but I hate him at times too. I do have family support snd lots of friends. I am very resilient, but I am under no illusion how hard it would be to go it alone right now. Then again I feel what is happening at present unbearable at times too. I am heVily pregannt and ibhave had to deal with a lot of stress from all angles since getting pregnant, with the baby and my own family problems, financially too.. Thankfully things are better now but I still feel there is only so much I can take. My main focus is being a good mother to my dd, which I am- however I don't need the stress of our relationship problems. How he has behaved lately has been unforgivabble at times. The way he has spoken to me and walking out on me wen I am pregnant - plus he has involved my family in our argumebta and told them stuff I have said about them to spite me when we fell out (painfully immature stuff I am having to deal with!) I cannot go into everything as it's simply not necessary- but it is just ridiculous behaviour on his part a lot of the time. I don't know what's happened, who he has become- or did I ever really know him?

wavesandsmiles Mon 17-Nov-14 16:29:49

It's not so tough. Single mum twice - first when exDH left when DS1 was coming up for 2 and DD was about 5 months. Almost a decade, and married to who is now also exDH, we split up when I was pregnant.

It is really hard work at times, but certainly the lack of relationship stress makes it FAR easier to be a good mum to DS1, DD and DS2. And I am certainly happier now, and that makes things better for my DCs too.

In terms of custody, I am lucky that exDH has been very understanding, and put DS2's needs first. Yet to have him overnight, but I am still breastfeeding (he is just coming up for 16 months now). He sees him each Saturday, and once in the week. In time I am sure this will change. But for now all is working pretty well.

I wish you all the best with your decision making process, it is certainly tough, and pregnancy makes things even harder in many way.

kalidasa Mon 17-Nov-14 16:57:11

I am 30 weeks pregnant and DS is 23 months, so a similar sort of point to you. We are happily married but I think if I felt like leaving at this point I would take that thought pretty seriously - on the one hand, obviously you are probably quite emotional/hormonal, but on the other being heavily pregnant makes me feel a lot more dependent/needy with DH, not less, so I think if right now I really felt I'd be better off on my own I would at least consider acting on it. You do sound like you've had a stressful time though. What about your DD - is she sleeping through or are you both constantly tired as well? DS has only just started sleeping through and it makes such a difference. I remember one book I read said a lot of couples who were unhappy while their baby was small had a much better relationship again by the time the child was two just because those first couple of years really are tough. Have you considered some counseling? Even if you do break up, counseling can help you do it in a 'healthy' way if you see what I mean.

I'd find it hard to forgive someone who walked out on me when I was pregnant though, that is pretty bad.

Keepontrudging Mon 17-Nov-14 20:40:40

Thanks for the feedback. It's good to know others have experienced this and got by. I have spoken to him about counselling as it something I totally believe in and have found gelpful, but he isn't interested. I think the hormones don't help my feelings about things at times and I do worry I am maybe over reacting. That said, others have commented on how he needs to change too. I just feel it's so soon to give in and let him go. I feel I have a responsibility to try harder. It's hard!

wavesandsmiles Tue 18-Nov-14 12:20:26

I'm here if you need to vent, mull things over etc. Without MN I wouldn't have managed to go it alone - there are people here with lots of advice, and lots more who are great with listening and sympathy.

Remember, your main responsibility is to yourself, and to your DD and baby on the way. You are not responsible for him. And consequently, not the only one responsible for the relationship. Not sure if this makes sense....but genuinely can tell you from the heart that the thought of going it alone was far worse than the reality, and I am a better mother for being single.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Tue 18-Nov-14 16:56:17

The problem is, you BOTH need to be trying harder, him even more so given that you are dealing with the hormonal swings and tiredness of pregnancy.

If he's not interested in improving things from his side you're just banging your head against a wall. Perhaps what you need to do is zone out of the relationship for a while, don't make any rash decisions, but know that it is a possibility, that you're not stuck for the foreseeable future. Stick with it for now so that you have some support for the first few weeks/months, while assessing how you would deal with any given situation if you didn't have him around.

Even with much older DCs I felt paralysed by fear of the unknown and caved in a couple of times when I thought I'd decided enough was enough, postponing it for years longer than I should have. Just sorting out finances and benefits etc seemed a huge task and I had to ask XH for information to help me find things I needed, which made me feel very vulnerable. However, once it was all down to me I was surprised how easy running a house actually is, he made it all seem so complicated!

If I'd had the support of MN to cheer me up, give me information and stories of happy endings I think I'd have felt stronger. I only discovered MN when I was at the end of my tether, but that I goodness for those wise posters who just said LTB, if you're not happy and he won't/can't change, you don't have to stay. It was an epiphany!

So know that we're all here, plenty whose situation is more similar to yours and who can offer practical as well as emotional advice. flowers

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Tue 18-Nov-14 16:57:38

...Thank goodness, not that I goodness!

Keepontrudging Tue 18-Nov-14 21:07:26

Aww thanks to you both. I think I am considering the zoning out as the best option. I definitely don't want to make rash decisions - now is not the time. I can only see how it will all go. He does try, but then inevitably mucks up again -and then everything spirals... It's all so exhausting at times; I just feel TOO much effort is required. I just want to focus on being a good mum.

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