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To want a divorce over this

(119 Posts)
Edenviolet Mon 17-Nov-14 09:05:15

Had a horrible argument with dh but I should add that there are ongoing problems in the relationship.

Dcs are all disabled and dh and I both have health problems so things are very stressful anyway. Dh gave up work for a few months recently but is now back part time so things are getting difficult again when he is there but I can see his point that it wasn't a long term solution and that he needs to keep his skills up.

Last night I found myself at 1030pm still trying to tidy up, making ds1 s packed lunch, weighing out dd2s snacks for school, getting their uniforms dry etc etc etc so the morning would be less stressed. Dh just sat and watched tv. I didn't want to start huffing and puffing and hinting at needing help so I asked outright and he begrudgingly loaded the dishwasher then sat down to watch tv again. I was a bit irritated.
I asked him to set the alarm for 630am so we could get up and organised on time, he said he would.

He didn't and woke me up at 7:05 and bearing in mind we have to leave at 7:50 after getting four dcs ready isn't really enough time. I had to run round like a headless chicken dressing dcs, getting breakfast etc. dh was doing a good job of looking as if he was helping but wasn't actually doing much iyswim

Going back to yesterday he had taken dds car seat out (erf) to drop mil off somewhere I asked him as soon as he got back to out it back in. He hadn't so tried to do it this morn and couldn't do it.
We were then late and dd1 missed her coach to school . Dh went mad and I was stressed yet he shouted at me I have no right to be stressed as I don't have to do the driving or work today.

Then he laid into me about my choice of car seats and he wants "what everyone else has" he hates the erf ones. I tried to explain they are safer he said its "absolute rubbish" and wants to chuck them away. He thinks dcs legs are cramped and I pointed out its better to break legs that your neck or die and he laughed at me and said I'm wrong.
I got really upset he said again I have no right or reason to feel stressed or get upset and if I didn't shut up he would stop the car and "piss off forever"

Dcs are in school, dh is dropping dd off which is well out of his way and he's angry, he didn't say bye to me or sorry and I feel like saying that's it I'm sick of being belittled, told my feelings and choices don't matter and criticised this way.

ilovesooty Mon 17-Nov-14 09:22:50

You're obviously really upset and stressed out but from a practical point of view would your life really be easier without him?

pictish Mon 17-Nov-14 09:26:55

Sounds like you guys both allowed pressure to build up and spill over tbh.

Why didn't you set the alarm if it was important to you?

Edenviolet Mon 17-Nov-14 09:27:43

It would really depend on him. If we were not together and he was willing to still help with dcs then yes it would be but somehow I can't see him wanting to help with school run every day and having dcs every other weekend as well as helping with hosp appts and if they were ill.

I just hate his attitude towards me, the fact I apparently have no right to be upset or stressed because I don't drive or go to work. What does he think I do all day? I'm constantly on the go and looking after dcs and of course I get stressed sometimes. Just because I don't have a job and "other people relying on me"doesn't mean I'm not important.

I also felt horrible about the car seats, I chose them to try and make any risks to dcs as small as possible and he would rather choose a less safe car seat purely for his own convenience.

maras2 Mon 17-Nov-14 09:27:56

Not much change in the Hedgehog household then Mrs H?You doing all of the day to day necessities and him sitting on his bum.So love, what are you going to do?How's the driving lessons going.Passing your test would be so handy,giving you a lot more control of this situation and less reliant on Mr. Grumpy.Not being much help am I? but I think it's all been said before.Best wishes anyway and you know that us Mumsnetters are here for you.

Edenviolet Mon 17-Nov-14 09:28:56

The alarm is on dh's phone (mine for some reason is temperamental and his is loud enough to wake nearly everybody). He was still up when I went to bed so had his phone with him hence me asking him to do it.

Edenviolet Mon 17-Nov-14 09:30:56

Only done two lessons so far, m absolutely useless at it and need my eyes tested again I think but trying to be positive and persevere as need to learn so desperately

londonrach Mon 17-Nov-14 09:34:01

Cant advise hedgehog80 but just wanted to send you support. Sounds like you both having a tough time. Xxxxxx

WooWooOwl Mon 17-Nov-14 09:37:16

Life sounds like it's hard for both of you, but you need to try and avoid being competitive over who has it worst. Especially in the mornings when no one is at their best.

Could the start of the problem be more to do with last night than this morning? What was going on all over the rest of the weekend that meant you still had to be tidying up, drying clothes etc at 10.30 on a Sunday night? Is this a regular thing?

If he has a job, he does need to be reliable and not be late, maybe you both need to take some time to understand the difficulties and pressure that are on each other.

ilovesooty Mon 17-Nov-14 09:39:34

I think Woo has a point. Could you buy a cheap alarm clock, by the way?

flack Mon 17-Nov-14 09:41:21

I dislike ERF seats for all reasons your DH has listed, too. Did he enthusiastically go out & buy it with you, or did you make the decision & he agreed to see how things went?

In my experience and especially men, some people do better getting chores done if they are extremely routine. Maybe in future your DH could have the same basic chores every evening & morning for the children (unless he's not actually on the premises). Don't expect him (or some people) to think on their feet what needs doing, just agree together what is his job list every day and much more likely he will be reliable.

attheendoftheday Mon 17-Nov-14 09:41:24

He sounds horrid. I wouldn't want to live like that.

Could it be worth trying relate? I certainly wouldn't be happy to live like that indefinitely.

BastardGoDarkly Mon 17-Nov-14 09:42:53

Of course you've a right to be stressed ffs! And maybe tonight, you can point out that had he helped the night before, and set the alarm, and put the car seat in, your morning world not have ended up so chaotic.

He's probably as angry with himself as he is with you, but it's really no reason to shout at you and make you cry flowers

Do you still love each other?

ilovesooty Mon 17-Nov-14 09:45:17

I would secondthe possi bility of getting some kind of third party help or couples counselling.

Edenviolet Mon 17-Nov-14 09:45:44

Weekends are always an absolute nightmare, this one in particular was horrendous.

I had the worlds worst pmt on Saturday so was an absolute mess and then yest terrible cramps and backache so I was less than 100%. Dd2 had her ballet lesson Saturday morning and I'd managed to get ds1s uniform washed but cleverly forgot to out dd1 and 2 uniforms in too and dd1s jumper is a nightmare, can't tumble dry it as it shrinks and it takes ages to dry (and it didn't get done till late sun morn.
Dh had taken ds1 out sat afternoon so he was quite busy and Sunday was so hectic it was unbelievable. Had to drop cakes off for a cake sale, go to shops to replace the jar of sauce that fell out of cupboard (that we needed for lunch) and ds1 had to make biscuits for his homework. Then dsis mil dropped her off to us as she was unwell and she needed to go out and dsis partner was going out for the day so I had to keep an eye on her.
Dd1 had her pilates class in the aft too and I have to go too as she gets faint sometimes and by the time I'd got home it was dcs bath time/dd2 insulin pump/cannula change etc etc and the weekend was gone! That's why I get stressed and dh knows it so I was very upset that he thinks I have no reason to be so uptight.

Edenviolet Mon 17-Nov-14 09:48:08

Already been to shops on way home from school and got alarm clock and batteries. I will put it on every day but I do feel as though I'm enabling dh by doing things like this. I asked him to do two jobs-put car seat back in and set alarm and he did neither and I feel like by doing it myself he will just do less.

I chose the car seats and ordered them so it was not a choice dh would have made, he was ok with them at first but has get more and more annoyed with them and now hates them

Roseformeplease Mon 17-Nov-14 09:51:22

I think you need to think of your family routine in a more clinical, objective way. Make a list of everything that needs to be done (or checked up on - there are some things the DCs presumably do themselves that you need to check e.g. teeth cleaning). Write it up on a grid with the times that they are to be done by, who is doing them and who is checking. So, for example, DC1 might be doing violin practice and it is to be done by 7.30pm and to be checked by DH. Or you are doing school uniforms by x time and to be checked by eldest DC or DH.

That way, every job has a doer and a checker. The whole family pull together to check up on each other and to get involved. It will be a bugger to sort it out to start with but everyone will have their allocated tasks on a daily / weekly / monthly basis and NO ONE gets any time off with any screens until all their tasks have been checked.

Floggingmolly Mon 17-Nov-14 09:51:29

Is there any way (in terms of both money and space) that you could afford an Au Pair? It sounds like having an extra pair of hands for a couple of hours a day, at the flash points like school run, bedtime, etc. would make your life so much easier?

Gobbolinothewitchscat Mon 17-Nov-14 09:51:30

That sounds very stressful

Re: your sister. Not to be unhelpful obviously but could you ask her to make other care arrangements for herself at weekends and/or when you are terribly busy?

Re: the jumper/uniform, could you get some spare sets? Even second hand so you don't have to try and dry things quickly

Re: the sauce, can you try and have some spare things in so that if. Ajar breaks, you don't have to immediately replace it?

Re: the snacks, is it possible to have pre-weighed snacks or weigh out a week's worth?

You mentioned cannulas etc, obviously one of your DCs isn't well, can you buy in some support over the weekends etc to help with that?

Reading your post, it just seems like a build up of a lot of smallish things that might be possible to tackle?

Edenviolet Mon 17-Nov-14 09:52:34

I do love dh yes but we are so stressed.

We have a cleaner come once a week for two hours. She's great and the house is clean but its more the organising side of things I need to get on top of. Dsis used to come and help but due to being ill a lot recently she can't help me at all, she was sometimes popping over to do a bit of washing for me or organise paperwork etc which was handy. Stuff that dh could do in evenings but he "needs" his downtime apparently and I should be greatful he's at home not in the pub "like other men do"

Frogme Mon 17-Nov-14 09:56:30

You are both stressedand instead of supporting each other you are pulling in opposite directions. I don't know what the answer is, but relate does seem a good idea.
It sounds as if life without him would be just as hard or harder so if you can sit down together and calmly discuss things, it would help. I like the idea of giving him the same routine chores each day.

Feel for you.

GoldfishSpy Mon 17-Nov-14 09:56:46

Practically:
Get a jumper for DD1 that can go in with all the other uniform. Get all the uniform in the wash before you go to bed on Friday night.
Do one session of 'snack weighing' and portion it up once a week to save time.
Drop some of the extra activities. You are too thinly spread. Ballet and pilates are not essentials if you are at the end of your rope.
Can you be more flexible? Really is it the end of the world to adapt lunch to not include a dropped jar of sauce if it is going to cause so much stress? DOd you have to make cakes for the cake sale?

I think you need to let go of the perfection and the expectation of perfect family life. Go a bit easier on yourself.

Maybe DH feels you bring this on yourself by taking on too much? He sounds like he is being very unsupportive, but it does sound to me like you are doing a lot of things you don't need to do.

Hope things feel better today smile

CantBeBotheredThinking Mon 17-Nov-14 09:56:49

Hedgehog How much free time do you get compared to your dh. Things can not go on like this as you are going to end up ill with the stress of carrying everyone. Your dh should not get downtime in an evening until you do too.

peggyundercrackers Mon 17-Nov-14 09:56:51

life sounds pretty hard given your situation - you both sound stressed.

im with flack - I don't like ERF and changed as soon as we could - the benefits are way overstated - ive got personal experience of a child being killed in a car - trust me it didn't matter what way the seat was facing there was no way the child could have survived - it wasn't my child but a friends in a car in front of us - car left the road and it turned into a tragedy.

there are lots of stats spouted about ERF but unless you know anything about the data behind the stats it is all meaningless.

pictish Mon 17-Nov-14 09:58:00

Setting your own alarm is not enabling your dh. It's taking responsibility for your own affairs.
Sorry - I know your dh is getting right up your nose being so shite, but there are things you don't need to argue over, and that would be one of them.

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