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to wonder how long until the new girlfriend can meet the children?

(19 Posts)
Notsuretoday Mon 17-Nov-14 07:52:01

Point of dispute in our family. Db has left his wife and three children to be with his new girlfriend, four months ago. The children know her because she was introduced as a "friend" before he confessed and left. Since then the children haven't see her, at the request of my sil.My mother and of course my brother think it's unreasonable to wait much longer, but I am with sil in that I feel more time should pass. What do people usually do?

yellowdinosauragain Mon 17-Nov-14 07:55:40

I think you and your mum need to stay out of it. This is between your db and sil only and the sole consideration needs to be about the wellbeing of their children and not point scoring.

The more people that her involved the harder it will be for everyone, not least the children.

NaiceNickname Mon 17-Nov-14 07:57:58

Exactly this ^

More time probably should pass, completely depends on the children but that is for your brother and sil to sort out, not you and your mum.

Frusso Mon 17-Nov-14 07:59:00

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yellowdinosauragain Mon 17-Nov-14 08:00:13

Frusso given that dbro is the childrens dad I don't think he needs to stay out of it! Mum and op do though....

Notsuretoday Mon 17-Nov-14 08:00:47

I agree that it's between them, the trouble is that my db is looking for allies to bully my sil into allowing him to do what he wants, and I'm trying to get my dm to support my sil

Mehitabel6 Mon 17-Nov-14 08:03:37

On no account get involved!

MidnightDinosaur Mon 17-Nov-14 08:05:31

In my experience, and others that I know of, if this went to court a judge would say that anytime from 6 months is fine for a child/children to meet the new partner.

So yes, 4 months is too soon (and in my opinion, 6 months is too soon) but SIL needs to be prepared for "allowing" her dc to meet the new partner in the next couple of months.

And yes, I agree with others that this is for your DB and SIL to sort out themselves.

WooWooOwl Mon 17-Nov-14 08:06:17

It depends on the children, and on your DBS new relationship.

Are the children ok with the split, or are they still struggling? Are they still watching their mother cry regularly after being left by her husband, or is their home life now stable and settled?

Four months does seem too soon to me for it to be likely that all three children are ok with it, and it seems a very short amount of time for your DB to be 100% confident that this new relationship is a long term thing that is going to last for years. Even if they were together before the split, there's no guarantee that their relationship is going to remain stable now that it's changed from affair to proper relationship.

selsigfach Mon 17-Nov-14 08:09:34

I think it's lovely that you're putting the children first ahead of your sleazy brother. Have you offered any support to your sil?

Spero Mon 17-Nov-14 08:09:35

Sadly what they 'usually' do is introduce their 'new friend' a few weeks after separation, insist that the 'new friend' is involved in contact and get very arsey when the parent who has been left behind gets upset about that.

What they should do is recognise that while of course they have a right to love and be loved and no one is suggesting they don't ever have another relationship, they do need to understand that the emotional fall out from these kind of relationship breakdowns is massive and very difficult to deal with. Therefore they need to proceed with caution and not go introducing children to their 'new friends' until they are reasonably certain this is a relationship that will go the distance.

I would say six months minimum post split to introducing children to a new partner. But it's not so much about the time that elapses but the emotional intelligence of the people involved. If there is little understanding or sensitivity this will inevitably be horrible for everyone no matter how much time he waits.

But I certainly agree, you must steer clear of getting too involved yourself. I very much doubt it will help anyone.

yellowdinosauragain Mon 17-Nov-14 08:11:31

That's a difficult position for you op if your db is doing this but your reply to him needs to be 'db this is between you and sil and I don't want to get involved. Please make sure your motives are about what's right for the chidden and not you'. And stop trying to persuade your mum not to support her son, although actually she should stay put off it too. This won't end well for you otherwise and divisions in the family because of this isn't going to help the children.

SEH23 Mon 17-Nov-14 08:13:24

my friend had a similar situation last year. in the end they waited 8 months and now DD treats the girlfriend as some sort of prize possession. i think if she's just casually brought back into the family rather than 'introduced' again, perhaps it would be easier on your SIL. xx

Frusso Mon 17-Nov-14 08:22:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YonicScrewdriver Mon 17-Nov-14 08:25:38

Can you give your mum a phrase? Eg "please leave me out of this, it's between you and your ex wife"

Mrsjayy Mon 17-Nov-14 09:28:22

He is her son she is going to support him no matter what she is on his side it is what mothers do I think you should just say to your mother well I think it is to soon and won't be supporting any of it, doesn't mean you can't be there for your sil and the children just don't get caught up in it,

TheAlias Mon 17-Nov-14 09:48:15

How long had the children known her as "a friend" and what level of contact had they had?

I agree 4 (or 6 months) is too soon, mostly because I think if they are excepted to see her as "step-mum" everyone needs to be reasonably confident she's sticking around, but if they know her well perhaps that horse has already bolted?

Your mum certainly shouldn't be bullying SIL but it's unreasonable to expect that she won't be supporting her son. OTOH, my son would have had a serious talking too about his unfaithfulness!

NeedABumChangeNotANameChange Mon 17-Nov-14 12:10:40

I think sometimes sooner as a friend is better than later as a new wife. I would think it acceptable if the children met her for lunch and then she left but her and DB would be friends not flirty or lovey dovey.

This is much easier for a child to accept then in two years time meeting a women who then marries daddy the next week. My mother got a new fella and kept him a secret for a year and then he moved into our house and was on the sofa every night. Very awkward for me as he was a complete stranger but my mother was very touchy feely with him.

wheresthelight Mon 17-Nov-14 14:31:24

technically I agree with your sister in law however there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop it. they are his kids too and if he wants to introduce them to her then legally there's nothing that can be done to stop him

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