AIBU to ask advise about my husbands penis?(17 Posts)
Now that I got all your attention with my subject line I'm after abit of advice regarding my husband.
We have been togeather 9 yrs, married 3 with two amazing kids, money's ok, amazing friends... On paper my life sounds pretty great ATM but we are having problems.... He can't seem to keep an erection, or even get one sometimes, he will 'go soft' during penetration or he will ejaculate within 5ish minutes.
Alittle bit of back story is 2yrs into our relationship he cheated on me. Now I don't condone it in anyway and it still hurts to this day, I do however understand a little why he did, I was his 'first' his mates all use to make fun of him and organized a prostitute for him. His story was he got half way through the deed, panicked, could only think about me and then walked out saying he couldn't go through with it. If this is true or not I will never know And am not a mug my trust was shattered so never knew to believe him or not.
2yrs down the track when pregnant with my Dd (ds was 3) I stuipedly decided to look through his ph and found a txt to another prostitute saying he would like to hook up, she replied but he didn't (could see the whole conversation) I confronted him and kicked him out. But being in love and heavily pregnant with a toddler I let him come back.
Things have been great since, we have our moments but I have never had anymore feelings where I think something is going on.
His reasoning behind what he did range from pair pressure, to wanting to know what it was like with others to feeling like his life was going to well that he didn't deserve it and fel he had to sabotage it. It is so hard to get information out of him as he had A very tough childhood his step dad from the age of 8 physically hurt him a lot, think broken bones and stitching his skull with cotton wool, foster care etc.
Our sex life over the last year has gotten worse and worse, we will sometimes has sex 4 times a week but recently it's twice a month. I do have an eating disorder so am very very self concious about my body.
I feel like we are 25 our sex life should be amazing! He works very hard I know this.
So sorry about the ranting and if your still with me my question is, from an outsider do you think my husband is cheating therefore 'going soft' because he feels guilty? Is it because I have put a few kg on over the winter and I turn him off or does he have a errectile distinction, is there something I can do to help?
I can't go on like this, I know sex isn't everything and l love my husband dearly he is a good man and I am so proud of all he has achieved with such a shitty start in life!
Lovely Mn'ers what is your outsiders point of view? I am desperate.
Get rid of him. He's not a good man - he cheated on you whilst you were carrying his child.
I suspect the reason he can't/won't have sex is linked to his prostitute 'habit' (for want of a better term).
Does he use porn?
Has he had any recent change in work stress?
Has he considered discussing this with a GP?
Has he tried counselling to get over his childhood stress? Maybe he feels guilty over having a nice life now.
Certain diseases can also affect your 'manhood', so it's export visiting the gp also.
Doesn't use porn very often, it also sometimes goes soft when masterbating which he doesn't do very often, he only just admired this all to me this morning when I said I wanted some time apart unless he was to tell me what's going on. He said he was embaressed.
Yea his work is very stressful.
No he didn't cheat on me whilst pregnant, he did cheat when out ds was 1yr old and txted the prostitute while pregnant. It's not as easy as just getting rid of him, if he has cheated them yea I will certainly get rid of him as I do know I can and will do better but I am trying not to jump to conclusions. That's why I do appreciate all your honest opinions.
He is very embaressed about it all and would prefer to find other alternatives before going to gp, he will however go if I give him no other option
I don't know if this is relevant or not but dh has never been able to give me an orgasm, I can achieve a clitoral orgasm through use of a vibrator but he does not no anything of this.
No he has not tried councelling I do however think it is time that he does. He is not a talker and I have only found out bits and pieces about his childhood through the years. I don't preassure him to talk about it so he tells me bits now and then, each piece he tells me is more horrifying then the last
First it has NOTHING to do with you having out in a bit of weight
Then I would send him to see his GP. It's highly likely that it will be due to stress and guilt but erectile dysfunction can also have some very organic causes, esp if it's also the case when masturbating on his own (heart problem being one if them).
Re the orgasm, if you were his first, then maybe it's time for you to 'teach' him how do that. I mean how else are you expecting him to know what he is suppose to do?
Does he smoke? Much more likely if he's a smoker or diabetic.
From everything you've posted, it seems that your DH had a very rough start in life and you two - sorry - don't seem very in-tune on a sexual level. Do either of you feel that he "should" be able to make you come through penetrative sex? Did you know that most women can't actually come that way? What about oral? Why is your vibrator use a secret? Could your DH be feeling so much pressure around sex that his, er, resolve is crumbling at the crucial moment?
I think the most effective thing may be a talking therapy, ideally for both of you, but it sounds as if it'll be hard for you to persuade your DH to this due to his natural reluctance to think much about his past. You may have to lay it on the line for him - things need to improve, or you two may not have a future together.
My personal opinion?
I think he's using porn sites / fantasising about prostitutes / control and that's why he isn't turned on. Nothing about your weight, the kids, his work - he wants a thrill.
I could be wrong but I do think that is why he's not getting excited. Regular porn use is often a cause of losing an erection or premature ejaculation.
I'm sorry you are going through this
Also re: orgasm many women can't reach orgasm at all, a good number only with clitoral stimulation. I think 1/3 can't orgasm and only a fifth can through penetrative sex alone or something like that so I wouldn't worry about that. I have only been with 2 people myself at 24 and I think it's just the way it is depending on your body hormone level / sensitivity.
My honest advice is into couples therapy, immediately. This is delicate ground that would benefit from a skilled third party.
Are you currently treating your ED?
Re orgasm: common not to orgasm through penetrative sex. Do you have oral sex? him going down on you?
It is probably all linked to guilt.
The only way to lift that guilt is if he is honest with you about those two incidences with prostitutes, and any others, because it you've found out twice, statistics would say that there are more. Whether there are or not, he needs to be honest and tell you his real motivations, and what happened.
I imagine he won't, though, because he knows you'll likely leave. And so he'll remain unable to perform, because he has so many secrets.
Couples therapy might help, but only if they know everything, and again, only if he can tell the truth. If he continues with his stream of lies, you'll likely get nowhere.
In short, tell him to stop feeding you crap, you're not a flower.
Did you say you're 25, you got together 9 years ago (when you were 16) and 2 years into that he cheated on you (when you were 18)?
In the nicest possible way, you are wasting your best years with this man. Get some counselling to find out why you have low self-esteem and get yourself on the track to self-improvement. At 25 you have years ahead of you... some would argue your best years. Don't waste them in a bad relationship.
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