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to hate my DH

(51 Posts)
minimommymary Sun 16-Nov-14 10:40:58

in summary- he's an arrogant, selfish, undermining, twat.

before pregnancy we were perfect. loved being around one another, always socialised together, were best friends.

DD was planned and we had a nice pregnancy. he was still sociable (but we could afford it) and i loved my bump. my friends had babies so we knew this was the right path for us.

since birth he's been unbearable. i bf for 2 months and he hated every moment, was unsupportive, controlling and his mother stuck her nose in with jabs and they used gang up on me. apparently i didn't bf 'right'.

it got so bad i moved back into my parents annix with DD for 2 months. we considered us separated and he took socialising and partying to a new level. money burns a hole in DHs pocket and he spent more than we could afford. really that is the mean reason i came home- to save the situation. id finished bfing and he and i were great for about 2 month. but really that's because i was in control.

the past month has been unbearable. he looks at me like filth, underminds my ability to parent, demands to be in charge even though it took him an hour and a half to get her to bed when i can do it in 15- how hard is it to cuddle and read a story?!

to make matters worse ive found out he's been using a dummy with her behind my back. im on mat leave and he's working full time but apparently is necessary.. well ive never used one?!

this morning she's sleepy as slept AWFUL last night and so she and i were in my bed cuddling silently and she was basically asleep when he swoops in with the shakers and ruins everything! she's now screaming and he's shut them in one of our living rooms. put the TV on loud and i can't get in.

i hate him. i physically hate him. i can't do anymore. we have sex regularly and if not sex then a BJ every night. i couldn't do more for him. I'm not argumentative i just cry. and yet i feel so hated by him. he underminds everything i do and yet my baby is so happy and content when she's with me.

am i unreasonable? should i be grateful that he wants to be involved? or is he being too controlling? i feel like im just the daytime babysitter for him. yet she's moody when she's with him. we used to be perfect. i don't know where to go from here..

londonrach Sun 16-Nov-14 10:44:54

If not happy leave and return to your parents. Why you still having sex if you hate him. Separate the finances if you go to your parents.

hesterton Sun 16-Nov-14 10:45:39

Don't stay with him. He's abusing you. Can you move back into the annex?

EhricLovesTheBhrothers Sun 16-Nov-14 10:48:08

Oh god that sounds horrendous. Yes he's definitely abusing you and you cannot stay. Start planning how to get out. What a horrible controlling bastard. Looking back, were the signs there before the baby was born but maybe you didn't notice? Abusers often start or increase abuse during pregnancy sadly.

Castlemilk Sun 16-Nov-14 10:48:38

He's not wanting to be 'involved', he's a nasty controlling bastard who wants you doing things his way, even if your child suffers.


You're not happy. Your child isn't happy with him. He's not the man for you. No he won't change. Leave while you can, while your child is small.

Go back to your mum's, separate your finances.

Castlemilk Sun 16-Nov-14 10:50:29

And the finances thing is a big red flag. Couple that with his controlling nature and you're looking at a life of money trouble. Him controlling the money and using it as HE sees fit - ie fucking up your finances.

Don't wait until he's turned your child against you - 'Mummy's just a silly bitch isn't she DD?'

get out.

financialwizard Sun 16-Nov-14 10:50:34

Good god what an arse. You need to get out if you hate him asap.

CumberCookie Sun 16-Nov-14 10:50:41

Get out now, he sounds awful.

PacificDogwood Sun 16-Nov-14 10:51:47

Get out now.

You need to be in a place of safety and calm for you and your child.

Then make decisions.

And stop having sex with somebody you don't want to have sex with.
It's not a 'duty' you know.

ithoughtofitfirst Sun 16-Nov-14 10:52:55

Jeepers creepers OP. He sounds like he's lost the plot. Can he see that he's being awful to you? Does he ever apologise?

TheWitTank Sun 16-Nov-14 10:55:25

Leave. Pack up and go back to your parents. He sounds fucking awful, you hate him. Go.

formerbabe Sun 16-Nov-14 10:56:09

she's now screaming and he's shut them in one of our living rooms. put the TV on loud and i can't get in. you mean he's locked himself and your dd in the living room?

You must leave flowers

scallopsrgreat Sun 16-Nov-14 10:56:20

So many red flags. Just picking on one. Do you want sex every night? In fact does what you want ever come into any part of your life with him?

Your family sound supportive. Try and use that.

It needs to be your choice but there doesn't seem to be much keeping you with him.

scallopsrgreat Sun 16-Nov-14 10:58:30

Oh God I somehow missed the locking in the living room.

Get your DD and get out

LumpySpacedPrincess Sun 16-Nov-14 10:59:38

So, you are not with dd and are unable to get to her? Go and pack some things and call someone now to come and get you and your daughter. Leave and stay away this time. He is abusive and this is the real him. The lovely dh you know is an act which he can pull out the bag every now and then.

wannabestressfree Sun 16-Nov-14 11:02:00

Leave today. What a vile human being.

PacificDogwood Sun 16-Nov-14 11:05:07

If you have any concerns at all about you or your DD call 999 now.
The police will take a v dim view on domestic fracas in the presence of a vulnerable baby.
IS your DD with you?

Vinomcstephens Sun 16-Nov-14 11:05:07

Am I reading this right - he's locked himself and your upset baby away from you? Jesus Christ - I've read some appalling stuff on here but that is breathtakingly vile. Please OP, get your baby back and leave - go back to your parents and leave this abusive bastard behind.

PacificDogwood Sun 16-Nov-14 11:06:31

If you have any concerns at all about you or your DD's safety call 999 now - that should read.

Call the police, don't hesitate, if you are scare for you or her.

Fabulous46 Sun 16-Nov-14 11:09:06

I agree with everyone else, pack some stuff, call your parents and leave. He's an abusive bastard.

PrettyPictures92 Sun 16-Nov-14 11:09:39

I think op means he locked the shakers in one of the living rooms?

OP you need to leave, he sounds like an abusive control freak with no respect or love for you or your dd. It will only escalate and get worse. Please get somewhere safe and never go back flowers

Jolleigh Sun 16-Nov-14 11:13:17

Agree with the others. Get your DD, however long you need to wait, then get out. While you're waiting to get access to DD, pack and separate some cash from joint accounts for yourself I emptied all joint accounts when I left my abuser...that certainly addressed the balance of power. Unfortunately, abusers who've been hiding it do tend to show their true colours once their OH falls pregnant...I imagine that in their head, we're now tied to them so they can behave how they like. Was the same with me, perfect before pregnancy, disgusting treatment after.

Good luck OP. xx

jabestar Sun 16-Nov-14 11:14:03

Agree with all of the above. The fact you have posted on here means you are seeking help and advice so please heed! Please get out now and go to your parents. It doesn't mean your marriage is over today just get to a safe place. Also babies are very tuned in to their surroundings and are able to pick up emotions/tensions much more than we think, for the sake of her welfare you must leave. Be strong.

gamerchick Sun 16-Nov-14 11:14:45

He's abusing you and your baby by the sounds of it.. he's locked you away from her. angry

Go upstairs and pack some bags.. ring your parents and ask them for help getting you out today and if you have to ring the police and ask them for help getting you and your child out.

minimommymary Sun 16-Nov-14 11:16:13

she's with me now. he and her were in living room. shes asleep on my shoulder. my family adore him which makes it harder. im going to stay with a friend for a few days to get my head straight. it's a love hate relationship the past month. sex and me backing off usually work and i suddenly feel selfish wanting things 'my way'.. aren't i becoming as bad as him? wanting to be in control?

thankyou everyone for advice x

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