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To wonder if this means I'll never be a Mum?

(94 Posts)
snowflakecookie Sun 16-Nov-14 10:19:29

Options are - adopt, or IVF.

I / we have reasons pertaining to our religion as to why we are uncomfortable with IVF. (This is personal and not applicable to everyone who has it by the way!)

So it looks like adoption is our only option. But there are so many things about it that again make us uncomfortable and unsure it is right for us.

So - I suppose this means we won't be parents. And that breaks my heart.

sad

I've no idea why I'm posting really. Perhaps I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this.

ticktactoegivemeago Sun 16-Nov-14 10:23:34

May I ask what religion you are?

FamiliesShareGerms Sun 16-Nov-14 10:24:42

There are lots of people who have gone through the realisation that for infertility - and other reasons - they won't have children of their own. I'm sorry to hear about your problems flowers

I'm an adoptive parent, and although it was exactly the right thing for us, I'm glad you haven't fallen into the "it's ok you can always adopt" trap that often gets peddled by people who have no idea what modern adoption actually is. But if you do want to explore it some more, do hop over to the adoption board and ask away smile

ticktactoegivemeago Sun 16-Nov-14 10:25:06

Posted too soon. I'd say adoption isn't for you if you feel it makes you feel uncomfortable. That is something where you both have to be 100% sure that it is for you.

snowflakecookie Sun 16-Nov-14 10:27:12

Tick, we are Christian and certainly don't want people to assume all Christians will be against IVF but nonetheless we do feel it possibly would be wrong for us to explore this route.

I deliberately avoided the adoption board largely because I do suspect the "problems" we have with adoption are perhaps insurmountable (again these are personal and don't reflect our religion as a whole or adopters as a whole!)

Cantbelievethisishappening Sun 16-Nov-14 10:29:33

My sister has adopted a 13 month old earlier this year.
The absolute joy that little girl has brought to her and her DH is off the scale.
She thought adoption wouldn't be for her and was very much against it but then came back to the idea and spent time really researching it and talking to as many people as she could.

Don't discount yet

ILovePud Sun 16-Nov-14 10:45:16

I'm sorry to hear about your problems having children. I don't know whether there are solutions which would be compatible with your religious beliefs, for example IVF without stimulating the ovaries to produce lots of eggs which avoid 'surplus' embryos? Also I'm not sure why you think you'd be ruled out of adoptions, is this you ruling yourselves out or thinking that adoption panels would not approve of some of your religious beliefs?

chinam Sun 16-Nov-14 10:49:57

People have to make the best decisions that they can for themselves. If you truly believe that IVF or adoption are not for you then you must figure out a way to be happy with all the other things in your life.
For what it's worth, I am a Christian. I had fertility issues. We tried IVF and it wasn't a route we wanted to continue with. Adoption was. We have a beautiful family. Was it all plain sailing? No. Was it worth it? Absolutely.

snowflakecookie Sun 16-Nov-14 10:54:43

cantbelieve - thank you. It's something we haven't discounted but have reservations about. Congratulations to your sister smile

ILovePud - thank you for your kind words. Adoption doesn't really have any relevance to our religious beliefs but personally we are unsure it's something we want to pursue. I am conscious if I shared some of our misgivings with the social worker or 'experienced' adopters we would be turned down or told it wasn't for us.

Chinam thank you too and as above it isn't something we've discounted but are concerned about.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 16-Nov-14 10:55:05

Just wanted to say my sister is in the process of adopting her second child,I could honestly not love my nephew more if she'd carried him herself and I know the second little chap will be the same.

I hope you manage to figure something out so you are happythanks

snowflakecookie Sun 16-Nov-14 10:59:15

Thank you.

I know many people adopt very happily. Im just not totally sure it's for us.

Jollyphonics Sun 16-Nov-14 11:01:12

What exactly is it about IVF that you aren't comfortable with?

frumpet Sun 16-Nov-14 11:01:15

I think before you discount something totally , it might be best to 'share' your misgivings with people who have experienced it , you may find that although everything has worked out wonderfully for them now , they too may have had many doubts along the way before reaching that point .

Is surrogacy out of the question too ?

ChippingInAutumnLover Sun 16-Nov-14 11:04:07

The adoption board here is full of lovely posters, they aren't going to chew you up and spit you out for being unsure and talking about your issues with it. They have no influence over adoption boards and it's all anonymous, so what have you got to lose by talking about it if you are unsure?

I'm sorry about your infertility issues flowers

wheresthelight Sun 16-Nov-14 11:06:50

snowflake I understand completely about your misgivings over both options.

a very good friend of mine has adopted very successfully but I also have a good friend who has do e it twice and whilst she loves her girls dearly it has been awful for her and the girls through no fault of their own but very much as the result of crappy social workers. so I have seen the best and worst outcomes and have my own feelings about why I wasn't comfortable considering it.

as for ivf, I am a Christian and there are some issues with it I could not reconcile with my beliefs and I also agree that not all Christians feel the same as I do about ivf.

luckily for me by whatever miracle/greater force I got pregnant naturally and have. gorgeous dd but it took me a long time to reconcile with myself that I was never going to be a mum and as a result I had a very hard time emotionally and psychologically with being pregnant and bonding with dd when she was first born. there are days where I still can't get my head round it.

you have to do what is best for you and trying to live with a decision. your are not fully comfortable with is far harder than people think.

I have no related advice but wanted you to know there are others who feel as you do

snowflakecookie Sun 16-Nov-14 11:09:12

Jolly - not really. They won't make sense to anyone else smile As I have explained, this doesn't mean we think IVF is wrong and certainly not for others. Just not a route we personally feel we can peruse.

My concerns have been shared by others on the adoption board where I've been haunting for months smile and almost unequivocally posters have recommended the route of fertility treatment - which probably isn't an option for us.

It's: - wanting a baby, wanting to name the baby, not wanting birth parent contact, not wanting to feel like we have to apologise for 'taking' the child from his foster family or birth parents. And some other stuff.

Jollyphonics Sun 16-Nov-14 11:09:39

Can someone tell me what are the religious objections to IVF? Apart from the discarding of the unused embryos. I'm genuinely curious.

MaidOfStars Sun 16-Nov-14 11:15:00

Religious objections to IVF....Discarding unused embryos. Disconnection between conception and sex.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen Sun 16-Nov-14 11:15:09

OP, also just wanted to add it's totally normal to have worries and misgivings about getting pregnant too, having kids is a huge, life changing event. I do think talking to others helps,I know my sister found it helpful. Even if it helps you discount it at least you'll know it's not for you.

WorraLiberty Sun 16-Nov-14 11:17:53

If adoption isn't right for you (and it isn't right for everyone) then I guess it boils down to what's more important to you.

Your religion or becoming a parent.

wheresthelight Sun 16-Nov-14 11:18:37

jolly - i can only speak for my feelings but for me it was about it being an unnatural creation. it wouldn't be about love creating a baby but a scientist in a lab. I also had a huge hang up about if God had chosen motherhood for me as a path then it would happen of its own accord

skylark2 Sun 16-Nov-14 11:21:46

I do think adoption is different and it doesn't sound to me as if you've accepted that.

One thing I would say is that you need to get past wanting "a baby." Even if you have a miracle and conceive naturally, you will have "a baby" for maybe 12 months - could well be less. After that you will have a toddler, then a preschooler, then a schoolchild, then a teen... You don't get to keep "a baby". A lot of people seem to be obsessed with being the mum of, not even a baby, but a newborn. It's an incredibly tiny fraction of being a parent.

GingerPuddin Sun 16-Nov-14 11:23:52

My cousin is in a very similar situation to you. She and her DH decided against ivf and adoption. Instead they do a lot of volunteering and work with children through their church. It's not the same as having a child of course but she says it help them.

wheresthelight Sun 16-Nov-14 11:27:11

skylark - but for some people that newborn baby stage is important and is an important part of bonding. I fully understand that the baby stage doesn't last long - my dd stopped being a baby at 9 months and became a toddler and so grown up overnight, however it was vital to me that I was able to go through the baby stage and because it is very rare to be able to adopt a baby still in that stage it wasn't something I felt comfortable with either

WhyBeHappyWhenYouCouldBeNormal Sun 16-Nov-14 11:28:25

Would it be helpful for you to book a session with your church to talk about IVF in a religious sense? Have you also thought about surrogacy?

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