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To say where MIL's are concerned there two sides to a story?

(312 Posts)
MiddletonPink Sun 16-Nov-14 09:12:08

There seems to be an abundance of mil threads again on here.

I don't believe that every single mnetter is virtuous and without some blame in the breakdown of her relationship with her mil.

Some posters would do well to think about that and also remember that one day you are likely to be that hateful woman wink

MorrisZapp Sun 16-Nov-14 09:16:25

Couldn't agree more. Sure, some of them are toxic nightmares but most of them are presumably fairly normal people with the same foibles and character quirks as anybody else.

The thread with the in laws who were branded rude ignorant fuckers for not coming at Christmas is a prime example.

It's like normal social rules don't apply. And the husband is never able to deal with any of it because reasons. So it's woman versus woman. Who can be arsed.

cheesecakemom Sun 16-Nov-14 09:16:43

To be fair mine is awful. I hope I'm not like that when I become a MIL!

thegreylady Sun 16-Nov-14 09:17:41

I agree. I get cold shivers at the thought that my dils are only pretending to like me. My dd likes her mil most of the time.

florentina1 Sun 16-Nov-14 09:19:21

It ain't necessarily so. I have a very good relationship with my two Dils and my Sil. I was taught by a master at "how NOT to be a Mil".

utopian99 Sun 16-Nov-14 09:19:35

I know, I'm worried about this already and dss are only 2 yo and 3 days old! Am terrified of somehow pissing off the future dils and thus my sons by extension.

Having said that, I feel like I have very good relationship with my mil, so not a given. I do enjoy a fluffy mil thread in addition to the ranty ones..

maybe we need a MN guide to how to be a good mil? grin

Serenitysutton Sun 16-Nov-14 09:19:39

Things have slightly calmed down with my in laws in recent years but they were awful (and I mean awful- anyone who tells me there are 2 sides to that are wrong and naive) BUT as their treatment of me got worse so did my behaviour towards them and I found myself under the stress, hurt and humiliation of the whole thing acting completely out of character. The worst thing was, looking back, that this just gave them further ammunition.

FryOneFatManic Sun 16-Nov-14 09:20:01

People don't come on here to gush about their MILs, or other lovely family members, do they, so inevitably you're going to get a skewed perception of the number of relationships in trouble. People come here as a safe place to let of steam, as well as ask advice.

Aeroflotgirl Sun 16-Nov-14 09:21:49

My MIL has her moments, but we get on really well, and she is lovely. Yes some MIL and mothers can be truly vile and toxic, some really never made the transition from their son being their child, to a fully grown man with a family. I hope one day I will be the best MIL I can, understand that DIL and DS lead their own lives and need space, and hope that they include me in their family. DS is only 2 so that's a way to go, and dd is 7.

Pastperfect Sun 16-Nov-14 09:22:23

I suspect those people who have great MILs don't post often. And whilst I don't have a MIL and so it's difficult to benchmark most of the ones referenced on these pages are utterly barking grin

LadyLuck10 Sun 16-Nov-14 09:23:35

Yanbu at all. There are two sides to every story and I always wonder about the other version. Off course people wouldn't tell you their own role played in the breakdown/ toxic relationship. So it's really just taking everything with a bit of doubt.

HicDraconis Sun 16-Nov-14 09:24:08

Nope, I don't think I'll ever be that hateful woman.

See, if my sons introduce me to a partner (male or female) that they love, I will love them for my sons' sakes. Even if I have to damn well fake it till I make it.

I won't, on the other hand, send long emails detailing all of their faults (real, perceived and frankly imaginary) to my sons. Nor will I complain to their partners that they have everything (career, family, relationship with my son) while I have nothing. I will also not send my sons an email telling them their father never loved or wanted them.

And if I do suddenly behave like that then quite frankly I deserve everything I get.

TheWitTank Sun 16-Nov-14 09:24:20

It's AIBU -people don't generally need to ask advice concerning their fantastic MIL!

Bunbaker Sun 16-Nov-14 09:24:31

My MIL is lovely. She has been like a second mum to me, especially after my mum died 24 years ago.

I agree with the sentiments though. My auntie has two sons, both of whom are married. One DIL is lovely, the other is not. The one she doesn't get on with lives next door to my auntie and she doesn't see her from one month to the next. She sees the other DIL about once a week.

SIL has one nice DIL and one she has never got on with.

MommyBird Sun 16-Nov-14 09:26:16

There are some MIL threads where I'm a bit hmm
Then there are some to which I'm like shock

DILs who have nice MIL don't often post in the AIBU though.

ApocalypseThen Sun 16-Nov-14 09:26:16

Part of the problem is, I think, encapsulated in that hope that they see you as part of the family. I think that, quite often, mothers in law are seen as not really part of the family unless they are very, very careful. Whereas they actually are part of the family and some are fighting (often in completely destructive and inappropriate ways) to maintain their place. We have to get away from the idea that mothers in law should beg for the crumbs of the being-part-of-a-family table.

42notTrendy Sun 16-Nov-14 09:28:12

I love my mil dearly but she drives us mad. However she has an enormous amount to deal with and I'm sure the way we are also drives her mad. I think there is truly a generation gap, and hand on heart I do think I try harder to understand her than she tries to understand our lives.

NancyRaygun Sun 16-Nov-14 09:29:54

Even the most level headed MiL goes bonkers when GC come along and when combined with new mother hormones... Trouble!

ShadowKat Sun 16-Nov-14 09:29:59

There's always 2 sides to a story. I'm sure that some DIL' s are making mountains out of molehill, just as I'm sure that some MIL's can be toxic.

But, as pp say, very few people start threads just to say that they have a fantastic MIL (or DH, mum, etc etc). They start threads because they're having problems with relationships.

FWIW, my MIL is great. My only real complaint about her is that we don't see enough of her because PIL's live several hours drive away.

ithoughtofitfirst Sun 16-Nov-14 09:30:00

I love a bit of peace and love and have been brought up on two sides to every story but, i kid you not OP, my mil is a spectacular piece of work and she is vile to me. I agree though sometimes i read these threads and think the dil sounds like just as much of a cornhole.

BelleateSebastian Sun 16-Nov-14 09:30:51

I try to picture what the MIL would write as their side of the story with those type of threads. In fact I do that with a lot of threads!

Circumstance has made it impossible for me MIL and I to have a close relationship which makes me sad as it affects the relationship my dc have with her sad

goingchristmascrackers Sun 16-Nov-14 09:31:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bronya Sun 16-Nov-14 09:32:17

There are also things that are never said between a son and his mother, that can cause a lot of problems between the two families. Where one child was favoured throughout childhood for example, there is that festering resentment that colours dealings between them. I know many people don't even realise they've favoured one, so would be quite confused by their DS's behaviour and blame the DIL. Things that have been said that MIL has forgotten too, and other circumstances. Some families will never get along, but often I think it's a lack of people sitting down and talking honestly.

zippyandbungle Sun 16-Nov-14 09:36:38

Well I'm going through the process of watching a sane, lovely, down to earth friend turning into a dreadful MIL before my eyes. It's horrible, I try to play devils advocate but she has blinkers on to her DIL and the poor girl can do nothing right. It is defiantly a case of losing a place in her sons life decisions that she is struggling with. They were close and he would ask her opinion but now has a lovely wife who, rightly so shares these decisions now. It's not going to end well and it's quite sad.

MiddletonPink Sun 16-Nov-14 09:37:07

Da has a long term girlfriend who I get on well with because I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue because I love DS. His GF has been spoiled all her life by her parents and now DS is doing it.
Everything gets passed by GF first. If I invite them for a meal DS asks what we are having. DS has never endured about what I'm serving before he met GF. Christmas is always at her parents because that's what she wants.
Everything revolves around her.
On the face of it we have a laugh and chat on the phone but if I were to ever reveal my true feelings to DS there would be uproar.

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