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to not have told MIL about dc3 in hospital until things had calmed down

(68 Posts)
AllOutOfNaiceHam Sat 15-Nov-14 15:06:00

DC3 (11m) has been unwell all week. 36Hrs of constant uncontrollable temperatures above 105F and several trips to see the GP, we were bluelighted to hospital with a HR of 220 and irregular heartbeat. she was taken straight to resus where I spent several hours with her, while they ran every test under the sun and tried to stabilise her heart rate and work out what was wrong with her. We were transferred up to the PHDU late afternoon ish and carried on having ECGs, bloods and constant obs. I didn't even touch my phone for more than 5 minutes to call my husband until 2am, at which time I was completely wiped out.
She improved massively over night and moved to a side room and then discharged by the next evening.
My husband was busy with work and DCs1 and 2, so he didn't tell anyone who didn't cross his path and needed to know about what was going on. I spoke to a friend who came to bring us supplies in hospital because we had left with nothing, but i didn't call my parents. I will probably tell them when we exchange our weekly emails or phone call.
MIL was told a few hours after our discharge, when she moaned about how we hadn't been to her house straight after school to watch her open her birthday presents. hmm she completely flew off the handle at both of us, asking why we hadn't told her, telling us how she needs to know because it's her grandchild, her flesh and blood and that we couldn't possibly understand her point of view until we have GCs of our own. That it's unfair to not tell her, because we are talking about the child of her child here. The tirade carried on for quite a long time. Not once did she actually ask how DD was or what was wrong with her. It was all about her.
I understand that she wants to be told these things, but while in resus, she was the furthest thing from my mind, then we needed sleep. She wouldn't have taken time off work to come an to the hospital, an hour away, or helped out with the other DCs (whom she cancelled on midweek because she was dyeing her hair), so we told her at the first convenient opportunity. If DD had continued to be seriously ill, or stayed in hospital for longer we would have let her know.

This isn't the first time one of our DCs has been hospitalised, and in the past she has refused to help with anything when dc2 was critically ill, made us pick dc2 at 2am from her house when dc1 had to go to a&e with a snapped femur because she needed to sleep so she could go shopping the next day, and last time we didn't tell her until discharge because it was so brief, wasn't serious and it was still all about her.

AllOutOfNaiceHam Sat 15-Nov-14 15:06:25

Crikey. Sorry that was an essay.

loudarts Sat 15-Nov-14 15:08:55

wow mil sounds like hard work yanbu. It is completely understandable that your dc was your only concern

FryOneFatManic Sat 15-Nov-14 15:10:23

OP, I don't blame you at all. You needed to focus on your child.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 15-Nov-14 15:13:43

Of course you weren't unreasonable, Christ it sounds like you and your girl have been through a terrible ordeal sad, good to hear she is recovering.

Ignore the woman, she sounds selfish and self obsessed, how did you react to her outburst?

Nomama Sat 15-Nov-14 15:15:49

Take a deep breath... remember she was upset, scared, that made her unreasonable and demanding.

And you have no reason to believe she would have been any help, given her track record.

And again... be generous... she was upset, scared, that made her unreasonable and demanding.

How is DC3 now? Have you all caught up with yourselves?

Again... she is being selfish, but you don't have to take any notice... be kind... she was upset, scared, that made her unreasonable and demanding.

Do you feel better now you have had a rant? Can you ignore her selfish behaviour from now on? Does your DH agree that his mum is a bit self centred and needy?

I am guessing yes and that you will eventually laugh at her and her self centred attitude.

badgerknowsbest Sat 15-Nov-14 15:16:25

After coming home from hospital it really sounds like you needed that shit from her hmm

It's not like she heard it from Facebook or a couple of weeks later and I find it quite tedious when people are in hospital constantly updating everyone - your priority was your child, and rightly so. Hope everything is ok now op smile

Catsmamma Sat 15-Nov-14 15:17:35

I hope you looked her up and down scornfully and said. "oh your grandchild is fine now ACTUALLY!" just to ram home the point that she had not even acknowledged anything other than her not being first point of contact.

There's no dealing with some folks tbh, my own mother always makes everything directly about her. I tell her nothing until it is done and dusted and always minimise everything.

Hope you are all having a chilled weekend and the wee one is making good progress.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 15-Nov-14 15:18:21

I think you did the right thing. We have a similarly self centred relative. We just don't tell her stuff or when we do we brace for the self absorbed pity party.

Hope your dd is feeling better and you've got some rest. IME it's often the bit just after a crisis where things feel worst.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut Sat 15-Nov-14 15:18:59

...So be kind to yourself. You've had an ordeal.

AllOutOfNaiceHam Sat 15-Nov-14 15:21:03

I nodded and said I know she would like to know, but that there wasn't much of a chance before now. That's as far as I could engage with her at that point. I had to walk away. She moved on to my husband with the same lecture, but he is the silent type and getting a reaction or a word from him is harder than getting blood from a stone. She pissed him off further by coming in and telling him how she probably "needs her mummy" while he was putting her to sleep.
Our relationship is strained most of the time because she is such hard work.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Sat 15-Nov-14 15:24:04

Our relationship is strained most of the time because she is such hard work.

You mean the relationship between you and her?

ouryve Sat 15-Nov-14 15:26:19

You told her as soon as it was convenient for you. Her taking umbrage with that is her problem, not yours. I'm sure that it would have been more convenient for you sooner if you'd had any reason to believe that it would have helped any of your DC in any way, but since she's already demonstrated that she won't let a crisis interfere with her plans, it's tough shit for her, really.

Hope your DD's better, soon.

SanityClause Sat 15-Nov-14 15:27:51

You were very inconsiderate.

She wanted to have a really good moan at how you hadn't been there for her when she opened her presents, an d what did you do? You came out with a really good, life and death reason for not being there. Not a half arsed, "oh, sorry, we were a bit busy", but a real "we couldn't come because someone nearly died" type reason.

Of course she was angry! angry

(I hope DC3 is on the mend. flowers cake and brew).

AllOutOfNaiceHam Sat 15-Nov-14 15:32:56

grin sanity that sums it all up quite well!

stillstaying yes, sorry, I meant to say our relationship with her. Tired!

DD is recovering well, I think. Mostly sleeping it off and causing my norks to want to explode and no longer scary. Thank you.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Sat 15-Nov-14 15:33:40

Bloody stupid cow, if my DD was in hospital, telling people would be left in the bottom of the barrel for things to think about.

Gruntfuttock Sat 15-Nov-14 15:34:46

Well! I sincerely hope you've given your 11m old a telling off for being desperately ill on your MIL's birthday. Surely she could have waited so that MIL could have you there to watch her open her birthday presents. hmm

I'm sorry your little girl has been so ill and that you've got such an astonishingly self-centred MIL. flowers

Kundry Sat 15-Nov-14 15:35:51


You do know it would have been perfectly acceptable to rant back at her that you didn't tell her due to ehr compelte lack of interest on previous occasions?

She's hard work because you and your DH are nice people who consider other people and try to keep the peace. She on the other hand sounds self centred and has no concern for others at all, except as extensions of themselves.

You need to find your inner tiger and lay down some boundaries - if you keep trying to 'manage' her she will walk all over you.

SanityClause Sat 15-Nov-14 15:45:28

grin NaiceHam.

Seriously, I think Nomamma's post is spot on. But letting it wash over you will be much harder for your DH than for you. This is his Mum, after all.

I'm pleased DD is on the mend. Could you express some of that extra milk?

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sat 15-Nov-14 15:49:15

Poor you and poor baby!! I've had a horrible time and there's nothing can change that. I do hope baby is ok now...MIL must have been firghtened for the baby hence her reaction.

londonrach Sat 15-Nov-14 15:56:03

Yannnnnnnnbu. At the time your care of your child was the most important concern you had and then being exhausted i can understand and any reasonable adult would. Look afterwards, your dd, dh and other children. Really pleased shes on the mend. Xxxxx

AllOutOfNaiceHam Sat 15-Nov-14 15:56:57

She still doesn't actually know why she was in hospital, all I got round to saying was "I'm sorry we couldn't come earlier, DD wasn't discharged from hospital until an hour ago." before the accusations and tirades started. I was totally willing to explain, but seen as I couldn't get a word in edgeways anyway, I left it. She didn't ask.

Mercedes519 Sat 15-Nov-14 16:27:37

I would say that a 'normal' reaction to that statement is "oh my god is she OK?" Not a rant!

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut Sat 15-Nov-14 16:40:13

Bloody hell.

I would use this as an opportunity to point out to MIL that as she is so upset, she can show you how badly you have let her down by never speaking to you again. [why is there no 'fingers crossed' smiley?]

Hope dd's recovery is soon completed, and that your norks don't explode.

If MIL cares asks what has been up with dd, tell her 'turns out she's allergic to paternal grandmothers.'

AllOutOfNaiceHam Sat 15-Nov-14 17:21:39

I have to say, I almost chickened out of putting my thread in AIBU because I thought maybe she was right and I was blindly and selfishly unreasonable.
Thank you for not ripping my head off.
I'm starting to feel quite wobbly about the last week now. confused

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