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To ignore dnephew's birthday.

(57 Posts)
FamilySucks Sat 15-Nov-14 13:41:06

Hello everyone. There is a long backstory to this. If anyone remembers, I'm the poster with the evil Sil who told me I was too poor to talk to certain people at a wedding. Made me feel like I was a low class fool who couldn't talk to anyone richer than me. I've completely cut down contact for a few years now and am better for it but she and my brother still find ways to stab a knife where it hurts and I feel enough is enough.

Last week it was my dd's first birthday. The year before, on their ds's first birthday, my dd was 2 weeks old and I made time (took baby too) and gave him a present, because a baby's first birthday is important right? I was tired and breastfeeding wasn't going well, but I still went because I wanted to.

This year I took my dad to the hospital on dd's birthday and they called me whilst I was in the waiting area with dad (waiting for doctor to write a prescription) and started singing "happy birthday" down the phone, so I quickly stopped them and told them I was still in the hospital and I'd talk to them when I got home. This, it turns out, was an insult to sil. My brother came to pick up dad and didn't even mention dd's birthday. No one else came with him. No present for dd. Nothing. We'd cut a cake for dd that evening and I mentioned we thought everyone would come and wish her happy birthday and he barked back that I'd put the phone down on sil and his dd's. I replied I was at hospital and dd obviously wasn't with me, so what was I supposed to do? He didn't reply.

2 days later it was dd1's birthday who is now 7. No phone call. Nothing. Not even a text message.

I make sure I go to meet My nieces on their birthdays give them cards and money or a present because kids like that don't they?

I'm sick of family not treating my children the same as I treat theirs.

So it's dnephew's birthday next week and I'm thinking of ignoring it and not going. Does this make me a complete bitch? I really don't know how to play this. Does anyone have any good advice because it really hurts when they ignore my children and the spiteful bitch in me want to get my own back but I know it's wrong sad

Sorry it's long.

Jumblebee Sat 15-Nov-14 13:48:20

It must be really upsetting for you to have your children treated differently to others, but my gut instinct says that you shouldn't ignore your nephews birthday. It's not his fault that his parents are twats. I think you need to be the bigger person here.

Is it your husbands family? Has he approached them at all about the way they treat you/your kids?

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Sat 15-Nov-14 13:54:40

Don't go.

It'll be miserable.

Go NC entirely with them and get on with your life.

No offence, but your nephew won't notice whether you're there or not. Post a card and present if you really want to but don't go round and open yourself up to unpleasantness.

You and your SiL and brother clearly don't get on. Cut ties.

Honestly, it doesn't sound worth it.

I've been NC with a bitchy SiL since April and my life has changed. I've also learnt that there's no shame in just giving up with people.

FamilySucks Sat 15-Nov-14 13:58:56

No it's my brother. Dh's family are the same, but I've got over that, his family wouldn't even know what dates their birthdays are.

If I do go, I'll end up getting emotional and I don't want to look stupid infront of them. Me putting the phone down on them was all it took to get her pissed off, so both my dd's birthdays were ignored in retaliation. Luckily, dd1 hasn't even noticed or cares, but I do.

Will they get embarrassed if I go? I want them to cringe at what they've done, but it means I'll have to be a good actress.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Sat 15-Nov-14 14:03:14


Do NOT put yourself through it. It really isn't worth it.

Of course they won't be embarrassed about their behaviour, they don't give a shit.

I've been through this myself. Trying to be the bigger person. Trying to rise above it. Trying to be less sensitive. Trying...

It doesn't work. Cut contact. Life is too short to allow someone to treat you like crap.

Spend time with nice people instead.

Jumblebee Sat 15-Nov-14 14:29:04

They sound like a complete nightmare OP. unfortunately I don't think they will be embarrassed by you being there, they just don't seem the type!

I would still get your nephew a card but I wouldn't go to the party. And if they make a big deal out of you not being there maybe think about seriously cutting down contact with them.

FamilySucks Sat 15-Nov-14 14:29:55

See, my gut instinct is telling me not to go and carry on as normal. I can't cut contact because my dad lives with them and I obviously have to go there to pick him up when I have him around.

Should I not go and casually remember it was his birthday when I go and pick my dad up a few days later?

Leviticus Sat 15-Nov-14 14:35:53

You won't get your own back by ignoring your nephew but by holding your head high and being the bigger person. Go along, make a fuss of nephew and immerse yourself in playing with the kids so you don't have to speak much to your brother and SIL. If it was really awful you could make your excuses and leave.

Don't go - your nephew is very unlikely to notice/ mind on his 2nd birthday, and your db and sil aren't worth getting upset about.

CSIJanner Sat 15-Nov-14 14:37:17

Send a card with gift card or money wallet card. Leave it at that. You wouldn't have forgotten, but at te same stroke, you've done more that they did. Then don't mention it unless they bring it up.

Has your relationship with your DB always been up and down?

Nerf Sat 15-Nov-14 14:55:02

Just ring and say 'are we doing birthdays or just Christmas? It would be really helpful to know so we all do the same.'

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 15-Nov-14 14:56:41

DO NOT GO, AND DO NOT GIVE A PRESENT. These people are incapable of feeling embarrassed about their own behaviour. It requires a level of empathy that they do not possess.

Your nephew is two, right? He won't notice a thing. Should your brother or SIL get huffy and ask, just respond in as mild and disinterested a voice you can muster 'Oh, I thought we weren't doing presents any more?'

Cut contact to the minimum. Your life is not made better by contact with these types.

FamilySucks Sat 15-Nov-14 14:57:52

Db used to be ok, but has completely changed over the years. Sil is the type who constantly finds something to get het up about and always finds something that is offending her.
I have seen a big change in the way db thinks. Always nit picking at people behind their backs, making out their privately educated children are better than everyone else with sly little digs here and there at state schools. He never used to do this, sil always has though.
I'm sick of treading on eggshells wondering if something I've done or said has offended them again. Everything has to be so formal when I'm talking to them. It's not like talking to family.

I really don't want to go. I've been the bigger person loads of times now. I won't be able to sit there and be all happy when I'm really sad for my children inside.

What hurts even more is sil made a point to tell me last time I went that she'd been to the shops and spent 2 hours shopping for her neighbour's daughter as it was her birthday. So it's not like they have genuine reasons. They make time for friends, but not for family.

startwig1982 Sat 15-Nov-14 14:57:56

I would send something if you can't face going. Otherwise you're as bad as them and it's not fair on your nephew.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye Sat 15-Nov-14 15:05:04

I really don't want to go. I've been the bigger person loads of times now. I won't be able to sit there and be all happy when I'm really sad for my children inside.

Then don't go.

When you pick up your dad get him to meet you outside.

Seriously, not worth it.

flowers brew cake

LoisWilkerson1 Sat 15-Nov-14 15:06:56

Post your nephew a nice card with some money on it. Its not his fault and that means you don't need to see sil.

LoisWilkerson1 Sat 15-Nov-14 15:07:39

Money *in it

KillmeNow Sat 15-Nov-14 15:13:40

I wouldnt go or send a card or present.

When your Dad needs picking up wait outside. Do not give them any more sticks to beat you with.

familymember Sat 15-Nov-14 15:19:13

There's no need for you to go OP. If your brother and his wife want to play games with the dc's birthdays, then let them get on with it.

If your own dc have no expectation of a present from their aunt and uncle, then that makes it easier for the future.

However, you could just send your nephew a present, I guess you're fond of him and want him to be happy?

Nerf's advice to call them is good, get it all in the open if you can.

FamilySucks Sat 15-Nov-14 16:19:01

I think I couldn't stoop as low as them to not get dnephew a present or even pop some money in a card. I won't go on the day though. I'll give it the following monday when I go to bring my dad around.

temporarilyjerry Sat 15-Nov-14 16:32:11

I think its a good idea to give him a present or money in a card, but I would make sure it arrived before his birthday. You don't want to risk them having a go at you before you have a chance to give it to him.

WhereYouLeftIt Sat 15-Nov-14 16:38:11

"You don't want to risk them having a go at you before you have a chance to give it to him."
Seriously? OP's brother have in the past week ignored both of OP's children's birthdays. One of whom is SEVEN. How, exactly, could they 'have a go'? All it would do would be to give her the opportunity to respond with 'Oh, I thought we weren't doing presents any more?'.

Honestly, there are times when 'being the bigger person' is just not appropriate.

redexpat Sat 15-Nov-14 16:47:18

I would send a card. Dont deliver in person. And i think you should send it before his birthday. Otherwise you will just give them more amunition. They sound awful - are there really people in the world who think less of others necause of their income or schooling?

Guitargirl Sat 15-Nov-14 17:03:09

Your SIL sounds like a nightmare. As for your brother, I find it quite scary how people can change for the worse like this when they are in a relationship. It makes me look at my own DCs and think about who they are going to end up with!

I would post a card and a present to your nephew so that he receives it in time for his birthday. After his birthday I would suggest to them that you don't exchange gifts for the DCs anymore. And then have as little to do with them as possible. It shouldn't have to be this much hard work. Try to give them as little head space as possible and taking back the control over the will they, won't they present buying is a good place to start.

angelohsodelight Sat 15-Nov-14 17:41:31

Post a card and leave it at that.

What happens about Christmas presents?

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