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Aibu to want ex to change his surname?

(55 Posts)
Rebecca2014 Sat 15-Nov-14 09:22:38

When we got married my ex took my surname as he hated his own family surname.

We have now been separated for a month and he is still using my surname, I thought he would have changed it back to his family name? I have asked him a few times and his just told me to leave him alone!

I am worried if one day he remarries or has another child he would give them MY family surname. Would that even be legal?

Aibu? If he legally entitled to use my surname even after an divorce?

I know this is petty but it bothers me as he was such an dick to me in marriage.

Goingintohibernation Sat 15-Nov-14 09:26:19

Sorry but I think YABU. I can see why you don't like it but it is entirely his choice what name he uses, so I don't think there is much you can do about it.

NickiFury Sat 15-Nov-14 09:26:57

Do you have children together?

I still keep my exes name as I want the same name as my children. I think many women do and the general consensus is they have every right to. Quite interesting to see this reversed. I think the children thing is key though, wanting to share a family name with them.

CaptainAnkles Sat 15-Nov-14 09:27:42

I can see why you'd want him to but if he has legally changed his name, he can keep it if he want. I think he'd need to change it to his old name or something else via deed poll which he'd have to pay for.

Petallic Sat 15-Nov-14 09:27:46

I think people are legally allowed to use any name. My mum divorced and kept her married surname, and even now her children are all adults she has kept her married surname. You have only been split a month though, perhaps in time he will choose to change his name or when he starts a new relationship.

WalkingInMemphis Sat 15-Nov-14 09:28:10

YABU. I have DH's name, but if we ever split I would be unlikely to revert to my maiden name, mainly because I like having the same name as the dc.

WalkingInMemphis Sat 15-Nov-14 09:29:54

However, if I had more children I wouldn't give them the name as that would seem weird. They'd probably have new oh's surname.

BringYourOwnSnowman Sat 15-Nov-14 09:31:58

How long were you married?

Mil kept her married name because it matches the kids. Once they'd flown the best she had had that surname longer than her maiden name and that's how everyone knew her so it would have been weird to change.

No one owns a name and its not illegal to change your name - someone could change their name to your name by deed poll if they wanted.

londonrach Sat 15-Nov-14 09:32:01

Yabu. Its the name he has been using and is i take it in a legal document, your marriage licence. If a female got divorced (more change their name) how many who have changed their names would return to their maiden name. Personal choice.

Smukogrig Sat 15-Nov-14 09:33:30

he must really hate his name.

It's just a name though and you're only separated a month. I used to hate that my children had my x's name (which is the more usual way of things of course so it's hardly an unusual thing to feel) but now, years have passed and hte name feels as much my children's as it does his. So now I don't care.

Smukogrig Sat 15-Nov-14 09:34:40

and jumping ahead to worry about what he might do if he had another child with another partner, that's building a bridge to get to the next problem. don't worry about it. chances are it won't happen! (what woman would want her child to have the x's sur name!)

Chaseface Sat 15-Nov-14 09:34:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OwlCapone Sat 15-Nov-14 09:35:09

Of course you're being unreasonable. It is none of your damn business what he calls himself.

I have kept my married name even though I'm divorced. Anyone trying to tell me I should change it back can jog on.

Vinomcstephens Sat 15-Nov-14 09:35:35

YABU. He's not using YOUR surname, he's using HIS surname. Whether you've got kids or not, it's his name now and he is perfectly entitled to keep it. There's nothing you can do to get him to change it and why should he? This is something you're just going to have to get over I'm afraid...

Rebecca2014 Sat 15-Nov-14 09:35:40

Yes we have a daughter. He has a son from a previous relationship and he has his mother surname too as ex hates his own so much.

We were only married for 2 and a half years.

I am looking way into the future but legally if he remarried would he be able to give her my surname?

Chaseface Sat 15-Nov-14 09:37:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannaBe Sat 15-Nov-14 09:38:15

yabu. It's his name now and it's none of your business what name he uses. I kept my married name after I got divorced because it's ds' name. If my xh started demanding I change it back I would tell him to take a hike.

fredfredgeorgejnr Sat 15-Nov-14 09:38:16

YABU he's free to call himself whatever he wants, as you say it's petty, and you need to stop caring about the guy, he's your ex.

CaptainAnkles Sat 15-Nov-14 09:38:57

I think if it's legally his name, and he got remarried, his wife could take his name, yes. I know someone who changed name by deed poll and his wife and kids had his 'new' name too.

NickiFury Sat 15-Nov-14 09:39:56

It's not your name though. Presumably there are others in the world with this surname? I think it's more that you're probably still emotionally engaged with him; with anger for how he treated you so want to sever all ties. You'll get to a point where you don't been consider it any longer.

Smukogrig Sat 15-Nov-14 09:40:05

I am sure he was an asshole to you in your marriage but honestly, if he uses your name it costs you nothing.

I'm not saying i'm not sympathetic because i am, my x was horrible to me too. but it was the horribleness that "cost" me that I worried more about. not paying maintenance for example. that effected my ability to emerge from the wreckage unscathed. I felt limited and held back. So what I'm saying is that as weird as it seems, focus on your future and choose what you invest energy in to. His usign your sur name won't actually affect you or cost you anything or hold you back or limit your options. Sure, it's weird. But if his sur name was higginbottom or hoare or cox and he's changed it something like Jones, then I could see why he is going to hold on to it, especially if he has a child with that sur name.

Smukogrig Sat 15-Nov-14 09:41:22

ps, i agree that a month is nothing. years down the line, you won't care either way about this. REALLY!!

googoodolly Sat 15-Nov-14 09:45:05

It's not just your surname though, it's his. He can do what he likes with it - if he adopts a child, they'd have that name, any future wives can take it if they want, and any future children can have it as well.

You really do need to get over this.

Rebecca2014 Sat 15-Nov-14 09:46:45

I just don't get considering he treated me like shit he wants to keep my surname. But like you all said it is just a name.

Well I am not going to mention it again to him.

Chaseface Sat 15-Nov-14 09:46:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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