To think that lots of people do not like others acting assertively?(19 Posts)
I seem to come across a lot of people that basically want to treat others as they wish, and if you stand up to them in an assertive but not aggressive way, or refuse to do as they demand, they hate it!
I have had two friends falling out with me in the past few years when I refused to do as they say. The first friend always behaved in a Madam-ish way, and kept asking me each week to drop her DD home from brownies when I collected my DD, even though it was out of my way and she had her own car (she just wanted to start drinking wine early and not have to drive to pick up her DD). One week when I said that it wouldn't be possible for me to pick her DD up as I needed to be home quickly that night as DH was going out, she had a complete tantrum, screeched at me, called me several names and slammed the phone down on me!
Another friend fell out with me a few months ago because I wouldn't go along with changes to plans that she insisted on making. She asked if I wanted to go the park with our DSs. She then decided that she was going to see another friend at the planned time we were going to meet at the park, and phoned me to say that she'd have to see me later than planned, and we could meet at her house instead. It didn't suit me to meet her later than planned, and also I didn't want to go to her house as it is much further than the park and whenever I went there she would just carry on with housework and having long chats on her phone, so I'd sit there like a lemon. So I said that I'd leave it for that day, and see her another day. And she too then went bonkers at me, put the phone down, and has refused to speak to me ever since, even though our sons are at school together.
AIBU to think that lots of people are self centred and hate anyone to act in their own interests rather than pander to them?
I don't know that lots of people are this way; I've never experienced this. Maybe you've just had bad luck. It sounds like you've been dealing with some jerks.
I think you've had some bad luck. Most people are reasonable.
I definitely seem to attract jerks and become friends with them!
I know the type of people you're talking about, they're pretty well dispersed in the population as far as I can tell.
It makes you feel/they make out that it's you being the fucking awkward one!
Yes, ZigZag, that is exactly how they made me feel! Like I was weird, and awkward, and difficult to get on with because I wouldn't meet their demands.
They are also both extremely vocal types, so do plenty of moaning about me being supposedly nasty to them!
They're just looking for people pleasers, hoping that their vocal shouty style will intimidate the people around them into not rocking their boat. Most people are pliable and can be manipulated sometimes, but it's OK if they choose not to be.
It's not you it's them, and that has to be the truth because if it's not then you're not allowed any input into the friendship/relationship, and who wants to live like that?
I think its their attitudes rather than you being assertive.
Agree with PP that your 'friends' just seem like not very nice people.
I'm quite assertive with my friends, for example if they ask me to do something I don't want to do I just say no, or if it's inconvenient for me I just say so and offer a better alternative for me. If they don't take me up on it that's fine, but I definitely make sure my life works for me not everyone else. I have a couple of friends who I know think this is me being a bit 'selfish' but I don't mind. I have no intention of being a martyr just so I can be seen as 'nice'. Hands down, you end up in a position like yours anyway where the minute you assert yourself it's met with shock and incredulity. Better to just be up front all along and people know where they stand.
BTW, this does not mean I don't put myself out for friends when they need it. I just don't let them get away with taking the piss.
I agree OP, I seem to attract my fair share of jerks too - however I had a lot of counselling (due to serious illness) and through that realised I was a people pleaser. Unfortunately it meant people trampling over me. Once I started to stand up for myself assertively, the chaff was sorted from the wheat and I have just a few decent friends left
When it goes against something that they want they HATE it. Spoilt child syndrome I call it. The second something doesn't go their way they throw a strop.
On the whole most people are ok about it but there are some that kick off so much you do start wondering if YOU'D gone too far...even though you know you haven't. You almost start doubting yourself. These people tend to be the ones that are usually Dementors (suck the joy out of everything due to their moaning), Wanna be martyrs (always very busy and stressed doing the same things that everyone else has to), Control freaks or just general pains in the arses. These are not ususally friends, these tend to be frenemies and users.
So it looks like I am better off without them in my life anyway then!
I am going to try to act more assertively generally and be less of a people pleaser. Like has been pointed out, I've ended up in the situation where people have thrown strops at me anyway, so I may as well please myself from the very start.
SmilesandPiles has made some really good points about the type of people that go mad if other people won't do as they say. Every person that I have come across who has behaved this way has been one of the types that Smiles has detailed, either that or a cross between the lot of them!
I try to look at it as anyone that falls out with me for a silly reason is actually doing me a favour. I have no time for drama llamas or people that think the whole world revolves around them.
I had a school friend like this. She'd change plans on me, then moan when I said no, I couldn't make the new time or get to the new meeting place, and she fell out with me and told me I was unreliable.
OP the sort of thing you describe...I haven't come across it very often in my life, but on the rare occasion it has, it has made my blood boil!
One current example would be my fil and smil. A pair of self important gits, they think nothing of being late for anyone (sometimes by hours) "so busy...so much to do!", but have the audacity to get lemon faced and snipey if they are kept waiting at all, even by a few minutes.
I wish I could tell them to fuck off with that shit.
My so-called best friend at secondary school was a total control freak, and also thought that she was more important and better than everyone else. I spent my 5 years of secondary school being a complete people-pleaser towards her and doing everything she said.
Eventually when we left school I made more friends at college, and realised that I no longer had to put up with her shit, so I turned down her invite to meet up one weekend and she went mad, saying I was selfish and that she had been a good friend to me. We no longer talk and it's a blessed relief! I hear from mutual friends that she is still just as control freakish now.
OP I remember your thread about the park. Yanbu. She was being really selfish and quite insulting that day.
Why do you consider these bitchy twats friends? I would have told both of them to sling their hooks long ago and had nothing more to do with either. M
They are users.
They are users. That's not to say they don't like you, or enjoy your company...it's just that they expect everything to run on their terms, and feel genuinely aggrieved when you step out of line and have your own preferences.
I think people like that pick malleable friends, easy going people, and yes...pleasers, to hang out with.
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