My DD is 10, was 5 when ex'D'P and I separated. They didn't have a great relationship when we were together but she's gotten much closer to him since we split up and really adores him now.
I've now remarried and DD and DH have a great relationship..... He's so good with her, but at first she was quite jealous at having to share me again. It was tough for a while but DH put in the time and effort and they genuinely love each other now.
ExP (DDs dad) has been with his partner for a couple of years and their relationship is pretty non existent. Again DD was jealous, but instead of trying to take things slowly they refused to..... cuddling on the couch/holding hands etc and when DD would try to take his other hand she'd be told to stop being needy. They've been away on holiday a few times and kept it from her, but didn't attempt to hide 'evidence' such as photos etc. This has added to the resentment DD has, being lied to (plus she's never been taken away with her dad).
Now I can appreciate it must be so hard being the person coming into a relationship and your partner having a child, but it seems as though this woman just gave up trying. DD used to stay overnight once a week and would sometimes tell of going over there and her dad's partner didn't say Hello or Goodbye, and not very much in between. Apparently there's loads of arguments at their house (which I believe as exDP is quite a volatile person and v argumentative). So the whole combination has made DD reach the decision that, while she still wants to see her dad, she doesn't want to have to go to his house. She doesn't want to see his DP as they have no relationship and feels quite uncomfortable when there. Instead, she's happy to see him for a few hours away from his house...eg, go to the cinema, bowling, for lunch and so on. But her dad has refused point blank. Says if she won't go to his house then she doesn't see him at all! And into the bargain has accused me of being unreasonable by not forcing her to go! She's so unhappy going over and at times has had nightmares about being there. I would love for all to be well and good and have never tried to stop him seeing her...in fact I've always had to encourage him to step up to being a dad to her as at one point he didn't attempt to see her for a full month and She had said at the time she felt he didn't love her.
I really don't want to force her to do something which makes her unhappy but he's now saying I'm a disgrace and generally trying to make me feel a shit parent. DH and I have tried several times speaking to exDP and his DP explaining how difficult things were for us at the beginning, telling them to persevere and to include her in things....but then heard on the grapevine that they felt patronised.
He's saying he'll not be dictated to by a child and has told DD that if she'll not see his DP at his house then she doesn't see him at all.... basically making her fee l as though it's all her fault.
I know that I'm only protecting my child but he's making me feel partly responsible too.
Sorry for this long post...there's so much more to this story tbh but that's the present issue in a nutshell.
Do I allow their relationship to gradually fizzle or continue to push it? TIA x
AIBU?
...to let my DD10 choose when she sees her dad?
duckwalk · 14/11/2014 23:15
She's tried explaining countless times but unfortunately she just gets shouted at and sent to her room. She's been told by her dad that he and his DP never argue, and when they do it's always caused by her. She literally craves his love and when she doesn't get it she gets really upset and tries to explain how she's feeling. His DP has told her she's extremely spoiled, and when my DD told her once that she hated her, she simply said "Well I hate you too". Unfortunately a family member of ex DP passed away recently and I agreed to take DD to the funeral (as I was close to this person for many years also). I was simply astounded by what I saw.....exDP and his family came over to comfort my DD but this woman stood back, in fact barely even looked at my child. At a later date I asked her how she could be so cold. Her response was "well I was upset too". There's been times also when while staying overnight this woman has made lunch or a snack for herself and my ex DP and blatantly not offered or made anything for my DD. This has gone unquestioned by my exDP. I'm also hearing of incidents of the2 adults arguing in a different room from my DD about something or other then this woman pipes up "well YOUR daughter done such and such" (sounds like a diversion tactic which works as exDP then storms over to my DD and gives her a hard time for whatever she's supposed to have done. I could literally go on and on. I just don't know what to do to make my DD feel better... She's feeling very rejected and as though she's solely to blame which must be awful 
Op she is a child, he is an adult, her father, he has to behave like one. He does not. His DP is a teacher 
, she sounds awful, your poor dd. Even his parents admit and can see how shit he is. Op I would not put her in tgat situation again, it does not sound like he loves her really, well in his own twisted way. He has tge choice to see her outside the home, any decent father woukd live to do activities with their child. Unless he meets her outside the home, he does not see her. You have to intervene to stop her getting hurt further by them. His DP has admitted she does not like dd, I don't think she or her father will put in the time. God what a awful situation for dd
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