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Aibu to think it's really hard to make new friends as an adult

(49 Posts)
textfan Fri 14-Nov-14 23:12:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OraProNobis Fri 14-Nov-14 23:14:37

YANBU - and harder I'd imagine in a small town. I'm hopeless at friends so no advice from me but I'll watch with interest. Glad you're getting better anyway.

triathlongirl Fri 14-Nov-14 23:15:09

I think it's hard to just spontaneously 'make friends'. As parents we're so busy with the chaos of family life and the mundane. Shared interests definitely help, so perhaps you'll find opportunities once you start training next year. You may not click with everyone, but friendships can grow, and a shared course and experience is a great starting point. x

Mummygadgetgeek Fri 14-Nov-14 23:20:32

I don't think it's unreasonable at all. It sounds like you've been doing all the right things though. Friendships just take time, hopefully you'll find some like minded people when you start your training. Good luck!

Dye2014 Fri 14-Nov-14 23:31:20

I think you have to be prepared to cast your net wide and accept knock backs. If you have a 50:50 success rate but only speak to 2 people you'll feel shit. If you speak to 20 people then you'll have 10 new friends. Good luck!

avocadotoast Fri 14-Nov-14 23:43:23

I agree with you and I live in a big city. It is hard.

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 14-Nov-14 23:50:34

Really hard. Someone once told me, "it takes a long time to make an old friend". It's a much bigger failure rate than 50%

cheesecakemom Fri 14-Nov-14 23:54:48

It's really hard as a grown up. Hope you finally meet others like you.

Dye2014 Fri 14-Nov-14 23:59:42

I suppose the 50% is just arbitrary. Casting the net wider will increase results was my original point.

I read a great article in Red about loneliness and how difficult it is to meet new friends. High hopes for meeting people on your course, and saying yes to things.

dancingwitch Sat 15-Nov-14 00:08:37

It is so hard. And so frustrating as, even if you do find someone on your wave length, they tend to have so many other commitments that turning it into a proper friendship just isn't going to happen. I met a lovely lady who lives about 10 miles away from me when I was on my first maternity. When we both had one DC we met up every 6 weeks or so, with two DC it was down to about every three months or so & now the DC are at different schools with different activities and different groups of friends and both of us do bits of voluntary work as well as part time paid employment and have various family commitments, it has been 9 months. It feels a bit like when you met a really nice guy when younger and knew that, if the timing had been a bit different, it could have been a fantastic relationship but that, due to one of you going travelling or something, it never worked out.

inconceivableme Wed 10-Dec-14 14:25:53

What dancingwitch said sad

december12 Wed 10-Dec-14 14:32:29

You have to find a new interest and friends will come with it. Like when you have a baby and so meet loads of people with that shared "interest". It needs to be something you can become passionate about because then you are on thier "wavelength"

I joined a running club (aged 37) 5 years ago and now have more friends than I've had in my entire adult life.

DH joined a military re-enactment thing and now has loads of weird friends.

canweseethebunnies Wed 10-Dec-14 14:35:06

YANBU. Making acquaintances is not that hard if you're not too shy, but making proper friends is difficult as an adult. Still haven't worked out how!

museumum Wed 10-Dec-14 14:35:10

When I moved city and was busy with unpredictable work hours I liked going to clubs and groups as it usually meant a bunch of people always available for socialising at that time/day. In the end the friendships did progress and have been long term friends but to start with just knowing that every tuesday/thursday and saturday I could go along and do our thing which i enjoyed anyway and that some other folks would be there who would often go for a drink after (in my case it was a sport).

I was kind of the same with my baby too - preferred to go to baby swim class or whatever with the same mums every week and go for coffee after than spend ages arranging meet up times/dates/places. Or I have a couple of friends I generally see on a specific afternoon.

SoonToBeMrsB Wed 10-Dec-14 14:37:55

Yes, it's really hard. I moved to a new city a year ago in September and I still don't really have any friends here. I like the girls at work and luckily my cousin moved back to the area after several years in London so I see her every so often but I have no-one that I can just phone up and ask to do something with me. It puts a bit of pressure on DP and I too, as we always need to entertain each other!

MehsMum Wed 10-Dec-14 14:43:06

As PP's have suggested, shared interests are a good way of making new friends. Since my DC grew up a bit (i.e. were no longer in Reception) I've made new friends via a book group, and through having a dog.

TBH, though, the last really close friend I made (as opposed to good friend) was about ten years ago, after a couple of years of walking to school and back with the same mum day in and day out.

So YANBU. You just have to plug away without looking desperate, which is a lot easier said than done!

december12 Wed 10-Dec-14 14:47:39

Yes, MehsMum. It takes a long time. You can't be giving up with a group because you haven't gelled after a couple of months. I've loads of friendly acquaintances and a good social life because of the running club but only 2 proper friends there (if you mean people you share intimate secrets with) after 5 years.

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 11-Dec-14 10:40:47

This site is brilliant - www.meetup.com/

Basically it's like a free dating site for making friends - you find local events and groups (meals out, bowling, going to the theatre, pubs, craft groups, etc) based on your interests, age range and location, and then everyone gets together. There's usually quite a few people there so you are bound to find someone to chat with.

I've used it since my closest friend moved abroad and although I've not met anyone quite like her yet grin it's lovely to have some people to go and do 'group' things with. I know a group of ladies are off to a local christmas market this week and next week we're going ice skating and then out for some mulled wine.

I highly recommend it smile

inconceivableme Thu 11-Dec-14 11:00:49

KnitFast - isn't meetup more used by young singles though, as opposed to parents with young kids? Happy to be told otherwise....!

inconceivableme Thu 11-Dec-14 11:02:10

Are there meetups outside of London too?

TrendStopper Thu 11-Dec-14 11:43:54

I find it hard making friends because I can't be bothered with all the drama. I have three very close friends who I very rarely see due to our daily lives. The last time I made a friend it ended because she thought her child was an angel and she didn't like it when I pointed out that she wasn't.

Fallingovercliffs Thu 11-Dec-14 11:49:39

It's harder as you get older because people your age have more commitments, less free time, less disposable income and often less inclination to go out socially. However, if you're going back to University next year you'll probably find that you just naturally click with a couple of people and they will become friends.

grannytomine Thu 11-Dec-14 12:11:49

Have you tried meetup. I think it is meetup.com and then you look for groups near your town or city. You can set up a group easily and I know a couple of people who have moved to new areas and made friends. Groups are vaired, film nights, meals out, 18 to 30 groups, widows groups, yoga well just about anything you would like to do but would be better with some like minded friends. Good luck

KnitFastDieWarm Thu 11-Dec-14 17:51:19

the variety of people on meetup is pretty varied - there's a specific group in my area for women over 50, a specific group for single people age 30-40, a specific group for people who enjoy cinema, etc etc. it's uk-wide and definitely with a look!
I never plug anything and am deeply cynical about this type of thing - but I'm genuinely glad I gave meetup a go smile

hellyhants Thu 11-Dec-14 18:51:09

I am quite depressed because of a lack of friends - I've never been to a hen party (other than my own) and nobody organised a baby shower for me (I don't know how prevalent they actually are). They are maybe silly examples but people casually talk about going to a friend's for coffee or for a glass of wine and I don't from one year to the next. I occasionally meet up with ex-colleagues and that's it. I would LOVE to do something like go to a Xmas market for a Gluhwein!

My husband is very self-contained so he doesn't have friends either so I can't rely on his friends' wives - neither of his two best friends live locally and neither are married either! My closest friends from university all live overseas - two in Germany and one in Australia.

I joined a running club too and for a while did get involved in its social scene, but ultimately people have their families and longer-standing friends and it's all very superficial and fleeting. Maybe meetup would be worthwhile for me as well.

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