AIBU or is DP - wine!!!(140 Posts)
I am divorced, but during my marriage I got into the habit of drinking a large glass of wine a night during the week, and half a bottle on a friday then again on a saturday...
I realise this was too much and it was a habit I wanted to break.
DP and I have been together for 6 months, he drinks very little, a bottle of beer at the weekends.
It gradually came about that he laid down the law, until I was only 'allowed' to drink wine on a friday. I can share a beer with him on a saturday and sunday.
Last weekend we fell out about it, I said I thought he was being controlling, he said that he has never asked anything of me, only that I don't drink wine as he feels I change after just one glass (he is massively overreacting) and that it's not too much to ask that I don't drink around him. I said if he felt that strongly then I wouldn't... It's now the weekend I I fancy a glass of wine! He says I'm going back on my word.
His mother had an alcohol problem as does his best friend so he is oversensitive to the issue.
I'm in my thrities and feel I am being treated like a naughty child for wanting a glass or two of wine at the weekends, aibu?
He says he feels I'm putting wine before our relationship.....
Well it sounds like you thought you had a problem creeping up before (no judgement, I've made exactly the same decision about you on 'through the week wine' recently). Did you tell him about in those terms - ie, did you say something like 'I thought I was heading towards a problem so I made some changes.'? Because in that situation I can see why he'd think 'hmm, slippery slope and I don't want to be with someone with an alcohol problem.'
But then again, you should be able to have a glass of wine when you want. It does sound controlling - but maybe controlling from a good place?
<bathes splinters with wine>
Yes I did tell him it was a habit I wanted to break.... But I think he's taking it too far, I want a !
Was the agreement not to drink around him or not to drink at all? It's not quite clear.
I can totally see where he is coming from, especially if you were concerned about your alcohol consumption in the past. I can equally see how you want to be able to have a glass of wine when you feel like it.
I think you have to sit down together and talk about deal breakers.
he feels I change after just one glass (he is massively overreacting)
You're dismissing his feelings. Of course you don't think you change when you drink, but he clearly does. Have you considered that he might be right?
I can certainly relate here. My ex used to hate me drinking and it gave me a right complex.
My current DP doesn't mind but I always feel like I'm being naughty when I buy alcohol (I only drink on a Friday evening now).
I think you could have problems, he has no right to tell you what you can and can't do - unless of course you are being aggressive etc when drinking
Of course you want wine...I mean, it's a habit. It wouldn't be a habit if you didn't want it.
I'm honestly not being aggressive!
I have never been told I change when I drink before, I'm not a 'bad' drunk at all.
I just really resent feeling like a naughty child because I was a glass of wine at the weekends, I'm a fully grown woman.
To me this is a massive red flag. Sorry, but after six months, I'd be looking to find someone accepting, not controlling.
I have this but the opposite way round - I drink very little, DH drinks relatively way more (although he has cut down loads tbf). His family drink as much as him if not more, my family drink less than me.
I feel that he does change in character after just one - I have lost count of the number of times that I have spotted the change even when I wasn't aware he'd consumed any alcohol. I don't like his attitude very much when he drinks - he's generally quite nice but becomes much more of a 'straight-talker'
arse when he's had one or six two.
It is a difficult one, because I am entitled to not want to be around him when he's like that but he is entitled to have a drink if he pleases and not to have me tell him what to do. He claims to not accept that he changes at all, but I think he believes it a bit as he becomes slightly nicer whenever the accusation is levelled....
Basically I don't know what to suggest, other than a frank discussion and an attempt to establish working guidelines to follow (for both of you).
I have told my partner in the past "I am a 47 year old woman, I will drink whatever I please" I too enjoy a couple of glasses of wine several times a week, so does he but he only likes me drinking when he does (so he wants to call the shots as it were)
If you were getting drunk and being arsey then I could see his point but if you simply want to unwind with a glass or two after a tough week then I would tell him to do one tbh. Everything else about the relaitionship ok?
I think the key here is whether he is controlling in any other aspect of your relationship at all? If he is, then maybe you should be rethinking the relationship. If he isn't, then is it possible that you do change after a drink?
On the other hand, it's a fairly new relationship, you're an adult and as long as you're not abusing him after a few drinks then he's being unreasonable. And I would see it as a sign of things to come, him being controlling else where. I would be majorly fucked off is someone told me I couldn't have a drink. DP or not. In fact if my DH started laying down the law about my drinking I'd be telling him where to go fuck himself, and we've been together for donkey's years.
So actually, I think he's being unreasonable. 6 months in and he's controlling you. He may well have issues alcohol because of his mum. But you're not his mum, and he's not the boss of you. I'd be telling him to do one and pouring another glass of wine.
Unbelievably controlling. Can you actually imagine living like this long term? It sounds miserable. I bet it won't be long before he's trying to control other aspects of your life, especially if you give in to this ridiculous demand
It does sound like he is overreacting, though if he grew up affected by a parent's drinking, it's maybe not surprising.
Can you sit down with him and say what you've said here? That you enjoy a glass of wine and intend to drink one when you want to, because you do not have a drinking problem and are capable of making an adult choice about what to do in your own life.
If his issues about alcohol are too bad to allow you to do that, then I think it's him who will have to adapt. If he wants/needs a teetotal partner, then he needs to look elsewhere, and the two of you aren't a good match.
The problem is that the only solution to this is to find a compromise, some guidelines that you are both happy with.
But you did that already, and you agreed not to drink around him, and now you are backtracking at the first sight of temptation.
It comes down to whether you want wine or him more. If you need to drink, he will likely see that as confirmation of your problem, and a clear indication that you are unwilling or unable to solve the problem. If you choose him, but really you are desperate for a drink, you won't be able to hold out.
The naughty child feeling has come because you also believe that you have a problem, though. And your post almost confirms it. It's very easy to drink too much wine, because its such a common thing to do. It's a crap emotional crutch, though, and it's a spiral.
I would dump him. Wanting to have a glass of wine at the weekend does not mean you have an alcohol problem
You've posted this before, haven't you? What was the general feedback then?
He can't stop you from drinking but he can stop there being a relationship between you- drinking is obviously something he has a big problem with, it's hard to say whether it's unreasonable when we don't know what you're like after drinking. I've met people who would swear blind that they're sensible after drinking but they actually turn into nightmares
He says if it was the other way round he would happily stop drinking and I should be able to take it or leave it, and that by taking it I'm putting wine before him.
He's not controlling in other ways, but is quite a 'mans man' and likes t o be head of the house.
My DH drinks more than me. I am like your DH. One a week if that...I notice changes in DH when he's had a drink...around 2 beers.
I don't like it....
He's not controlling in other ways, but is quite a 'mans man' and likes t o be head of the house
The two halves of that sentence contradict each other completely. You've only been together 6 months, you aren't a household and even if you were your opinion is just as valid as his.
I pressed a friend on this today, she says I become slightly more 'vague' after a couple of glasses of wine, but that's it. She's pretty straight talking!
He is your boyfriend - not the head of the household!!!
"only that I don't drink wine as he feels I change after just one glass" Really? I drink 2 glasses most nights, and dont feel i change, my DH has never said i change after one or 2 glasses.... how big is a glass of wine in your house? (i get a bit louder after about 4 glasses)
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