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To put my foot down with mil?

(78 Posts)
BerryNaughtyBoy Thu 13-Nov-14 22:46:40

Mil has just text to say she has booked flights to come and stay with us next weekend. The problem being that she didn't ask if this was suitable. Now we've said it isn't she's piling on the guilt trip.

The problem is we have an engagement party for dps close friends on the Friday. She arrives on Saturday morning and will need picked up from the airport (an hour away). I don't drive and Dp will be slightly worse for wear so can't drive. I'm working Saturday all day and Sunday all day. Dp is working Saturday and Sunday night so it will be a quick change over to be in for ds. We're both working all day Monday, Ds is in nursery.

That weekend is pretty much all go, which is unusual as I'm usually off. We're both going to be absolutely shattered and the last thing I want to worry about is making dinner and entertaining mil. I'll just want to come in, quick dinner, pjs on and put ds to bed and do some work on my essay. If mil had asked we would have said it wasn't really suitable for us and arranged a different weekend. We live in a tiny 2 bed so would have to give up our bed for her too, a total nightmare when I need to get ready early in the morning.

Am I unreasonable to put my foot down and say no? We've told her it isn't really good for us but she is insisting.

BettyFocker Thu 13-Nov-14 22:49:50

Of course YANBU! She might be insisting but tough shit really. Surely you ask before you just go ahead and book flights?! Don't give in or it will forever happen like this.

dinodino27 Thu 13-Nov-14 22:49:53

sounds reasonable to ask her to postpone.

Pico2 Thu 13-Nov-14 22:50:38

YADNBU - I was expecting you to say that you have a few things on at the weekend, but you are actually both working, it isn't a weekend for you at all. There is no way that she should come.

Gooseysgirl Thu 13-Nov-14 22:50:43

YANBU, definitely time to put the foot down

Mrsgrumble Thu 13-Nov-14 22:50:44

I can't believe she booked flights without checking. I don't think it's unreasonable to say no at all

FunkyBoldRibena Thu 13-Nov-14 22:52:23

He should be telling her that your weekend is chock and that you are both working all weekend and wont be able to pick up or drop off. And that she needs to ask before just booking to come over willy nilly.

You shouldnt say a word.

If she insists then just do what you would have done, if only to bring the point home that she needs to respect your boundaries.

Muchtoomuchtodo Thu 13-Nov-14 22:53:12

Why on earth didn't she ask you or your DH before booking flights?


BerryNaughtyBoy Thu 13-Nov-14 22:55:10

Phew! I though I wasn't being unreasonable but had a horrible feeling I was being selfish and hadn't realised it. She has form for this kind of thing and we always say it's fine but tell her in future to check with us. She never has. She keeps texting telling us that she feels unloved. Not the case at all! I usually get on really well with her.

PurpleWithRed Thu 13-Nov-14 22:55:20

Or say of course she can come but you can't pick her up, feed her or put her up for the night. But it will be great to have her help with cooking and bath time.

FelixTitling Thu 13-Nov-14 22:57:43

Yanbu. Point her in the direction of some nice airport hotels if she cant get a refund.

Katisha Thu 13-Nov-14 22:59:54

She feels unloved? What sort of silly crap it that? Does it usually work .

fourthandfinal Thu 13-Nov-14 23:00:49

I hate people who just assume they can come whenever. My MIL honestly believes she's not a nuisance so it doesn't matter what we're doing, she can just come anyway. She is the biggest pain in the arse I have ever met! But we haven't spoken to get for over a year now but that's a whole other story!! grin

LemonBreeland Thu 13-Nov-14 23:02:11

YANBU tough luck on her for not checking.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Thu 13-Nov-14 23:04:58

To be honest this would be the perfect weekend for my in laws / parents to come. But that's because both my mum and MIL are the type to cook the dinner, help out with the childcare and send dh back to bed muttering "poor lamb - he works so hard - I wonder if he's coming down with something" and completely ignoring the fact that he smells like a brewery. They are also pretty good at making their own way to places and, as they have just discovered ipads the only entertaining they need is to be told The Wifi password.

However, I accept that we are pretty lucky with them.

MonstrousRatbag Thu 13-Nov-14 23:08:14

Having been through this with my own mother, I really think you have to stick to your guns about not coming so you can get her to realise she has to find a time that suits you all, and not just her.

And I would ignore all self-pitying comments like feeling unloved. She has only got herself to blame for this situation. Insisting people (even parents) ask before turning up to stay at your house is hardly unreasonable.

QTPie Thu 13-Nov-14 23:08:46

That really isn't good.

If she can't cancel, then just explain to her that you can't pick her up, cook or do anything special. Can she cook etcetc?

Actually her coming and having a really biting weekend and not being looked after could and feeling "in the way" might strongly discourage her from doing it again in future.


BerryNaughtyBoy Thu 13-Nov-14 23:09:12

Yes she feels unloved, unwanted and that she's a problem. This was all done through text because if we had phoned she would have cried and I don't have the energy for that today. I guarantee she will still come. She says she could stay with a friend but would like us to keep DS off nursery on Monday. I've said no to that because it's the proper classes now and he's already missing the Wednesday that week to go for pre school vaccinations.

VanGogh Thu 13-Nov-14 23:10:17


Tell her to stop being so melodramatic and suggest a time that's convenient because the weekend in question is not going to happen

Ohfourfoxache Thu 13-Nov-14 23:11:02

Yanbu at all - she actually sounds rather manipulative tbh hmm

QTPie Thu 13-Nov-14 23:11:06

Sounds completely fair (what you are proposing)

ChasedByBees Thu 13-Nov-14 23:11:34

Goodness no, you're not being unreasonable at all. Why is she sending you emotional blackmail texts? Just reply with, "don't be daft. We're just simply not going to be here and it is just not going to work."

But why isn't your DH dealing with the situation?

Betsy003 Thu 13-Nov-14 23:14:14

Ask her to cook for you all. Get changed into your PJ's as you intended in the evenings and work on your essay. Tell her you have to continue with your commitments but she can help out if she likes.

BerryNaughtyBoy Thu 13-Nov-14 23:14:24

Dp is dealing with it, we've been getting texts in a group message as well as texts individually. I said no to keeping DS off on Monday and then dp got a text saying is said no. That kind of thing.

TheWhispersOfTheGods Thu 13-Nov-14 23:16:59

That weekend doesn't work. She should have checked. She's not unloved, just badly organised if she can't even check dates. You have no time to see her, (and your DH should be telling her so plainly), but you hope she has a nice time seeing her friend.

But next time, if she gives you plenty of notice, you can definitely make sure you have a lovely time together. Boundaries! She needs to learn what they are.

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