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am i being fair to my 17 yr old daughter

(267 Posts)
ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 20:52:11

my daughter gos to college mon and tueday. wed,thurs,fri. she is at home so on theses days. i ask her to tidy 2 rooms. living room and kitchen, sometimes the hall. and she picks her siblings up from school. i get home 10 mins after they get home. I give her 10 pounds a week for doing the 3 day school run. plus 18 a month for her phone. and if shes going out with a friend or something i will give her extra money.

im up at 7am sorting the kids getting them to school then i come home for about 45 mins and get sorted for work. i then go to work and get home 3.30-3.40 i work in a school kitchen its very busy and physical. Im 16 weeks pregnant and having problems with my hips and back time i get home i want to cry in pain and can hardly walk.

sat/sun/mon/tuesday me and the boys 7 and 12 do house things between us.

my daughter is constantly moaning about it. going on about all the stuff she has to do. i have come home to a bomb tonight there were not even clean plates for me to do dinner. im meant to be signing a new tenancy tomorrow i said to my daughter if you were a landlord would you want us living in this house. her reply was well its not my (her) responsability if i get into trouble......

Am i asking to much of her.

AndHarry Thu 13-Nov-14 20:54:27

Yes, I think so if she's supposed to be studying on her days 'off'. If she's not then she needs to think about getting a job on those days and paying you rent.

Either way, she should be tidying up after herself.

mummytime Thu 13-Nov-14 21:01:03

She should have a job in those days she is not in college (assuming this is FE not University). Yes she should be helping around the house.

ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 21:01:18

Andharry i should ad, i had real problems getting her to go to college. she was ill every mon or tuesday would make excuses to leave and come home early. would cry at college saying shes to stressed meet her mate up the road then go out and about with her mate... shes been goign college as she should be for the past few weeks. so all good there. but to ask her to hold down a job. no chance hard enough getting her to go to college 2 times a week. With the studying there is not any its all done in the class

bigjimsdiamondmine Thu 13-Nov-14 21:10:18

I don't think you are being unfair at the moment, but I do think she needs to stick to your agreement and do the tidying- else no money, phone etc. I wouldn't agree about the job, I think she should just concentrate on college at the moment, pick your battles, if she takes on too much she might not do any of it well. I think its great she helps on school runs, is she reliable in doing this? if yes then I think the set up you've got going now would work well for both of you if you just keep strict on the tidying or else no financial support.

wheresthelight Thu 13-Nov-14 21:10:53

frankly I think your dd is being a spoilt brat.

at her age I was in school full time and working part time as well as baby sitting and nannying in the school holidays and still helping my parents clean the house, do dishes and laundry. she should think herself lucky!!

mind you dsc's mum thinks I am a bitch because I make them gettheirown breakfast

2minsofyourtime Thu 13-Nov-14 21:13:03

Stop giving her money! No yanbu

mummymeister Thu 13-Nov-14 21:15:29

I don't think going to college 2 days out of 7 is a heck of a commitment if I am honest. you say she does no work outside of lessons either. if she was in a job it would be 5 days a week 40 hours a week plus travelling. If she doesn't like all the stuff she has to do then explain to her what the alternatives are. she can move out, live in her own place and get a job to support herself through college. she might think she has it tough at the moment. boy does she have a shock coming to her. what does she think is going to happen in 18 months time when she has to get a job. I think you are doing her a favour by showing her how much work it takes to run a home. good on you OP.

cheesecakemom Thu 13-Nov-14 21:15:32

I would have never been paid for doing chores. I think you are fair. She needs to help - although it does sound like you have a bigger problem than that.

ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 21:20:31

thankyou. yes i try to pick the battles carefully dont always get it right but hey ho. yes shes ok with the school runs she only does the afternoon. i think its good that she does it for her as well really or she would not even leave the house on them 3 days. i work 15 mins later on them days. so thats why i need her to do it. yeah i agree for her just to concentrate on college at the moment 1 step at a time. if i hassle her about getting a job and going to college and the house stuff i could undo the improvements that there have been.

I have tried explaining to her its about give and take. she does what i said above in return she gets her phone paid for 10 for the school run and extra if shes going out or wants something. i also allow her boyfriend to stay over alot as well. and that its also about the fact we all live together and all have to play a part in the house and helping each other out its just a part fo family life. not sure how much sinks in though

ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 21:22:47

your right cheesecakemom. but if i really think about it. its all probably typical teen/mum/family stuff .

LittleBairn Thu 13-Nov-14 21:23:57

You workload and household chores are irrelevant you chose to have your family your DD did not.
She is doing a fair bit of cleaning and picking up her siblings, she sounds quite busy for someone who should be studying.

ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 21:27:11

mummymesister. thats my thinking to if she cant do everyday general home stuff that everyone has to do then how she going to cope in adult world. i really just hope something clicks and she sees its really not that bad

MyIronLung Thu 13-Nov-14 21:44:51

My 17 yr old dd goes to college one day a week, works 32+ hrs a week (inc every Saturday) in a very tiring and busy job, helps out at home (not massively but will do more if I ask) and pays me board (£20 a week). She also helps look after her little brother by playing with him, ect so I can cook dinner or have a bath (I'm a single parent).

This is what I expect from her and till now I didn't think it was too much, although if it was too much she would soon tell me!

Btw, I'm not boasting in any way. She's a pain in the ass in other ways!

ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 21:48:20

i might show daughter this thread. seems alot of teenagers are doing alot more than she is. not saying i would make her do more. but she might see that im not being over the top with her.

Thebodynowchillingsothere Thu 13-Nov-14 21:52:56

Have you sat her down and chatted about things?

Is she happy about the coming baby?

Is she worried that she will need to do lots in childcare?

Not criticising you in any way op just wondering.

WooWooOwl Thu 13-Nov-14 22:12:25

I think you're asking a bit much tbh, and I was living on my own at 17. The problem is that she doesn't seem to be doing enough for herself. She needs to be doing more than 2 days a week at college, not more housework.

As she is only at college 2 days a week, it's reasonable to expect her to do a it of communal cleaning round the house, and completely clean up after herself, but she is contributing by collecting your children from school.

I'd wonder if she's upset about your pregnancy as well.

springydaffs Thu 13-Nov-14 22:14:52

In a way I wonder if she has enough responsibility. Eg you give her a set amount of money then dribs and drabs added on. Perhaps if you add up the extras you give her and work out the average per week including the £10 then give her that set amount each week, no extras. Then she'd be responsible for making money work for her - keeping to a budget. If it's not enough, and she doesn't get extras from you, it will make sense to her that if she wants more money she's going to have to find a way to get some more. That is, a job, take some more responsibility instead of leaning in you for everything as though it comes out of thin air.

At the mo you are telling her exactly what to do and she resents it. She needs ti be worjing things out fir hersekf. If she were driving her life a bit more herself she'd understand how things work. At 17 she's plenty old enough to be learning these lessons now. In fact it's getting a bit late.

ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 22:15:41

chillingsothere. she was not impressed when i told her i was pregnant.(was not meant to happen) when i was seeing someone she was doing extra baby sitting so i could go out average of once a week. she thought i was great because he was paying her 20 pounds for doing it. But she seems happier when im single. shes ok about baby now shes asked if she could feel my belly the other day she wanted to see if it feel different to a non pregnant belly. I did say to her that if i say go do a food shop i might ask her to look after the baby. and i would take the 7 and 4 year old with me so she would just have the baby and 12 year old. 12 year old looks after his self really. she was saying yeah thats cool i will take selfies of me and baby. and laughted so seems ok.

DomiKatetrix Thu 13-Nov-14 22:19:05

I don't think it's much at all. If she's not doing anything on her days off, why not help around the house?
For a 2 day course, I doubt she needs to spend the college hours (say 9-4) on her 3 days off studying.
I used to do all this at her age and I hated it grin

Have a talk with her anyway and see if there's any extra incentives she'd like (within reason). But I think everything you give her in return is very generous anyway!

formerbabe Thu 13-Nov-14 22:22:10

im up at 7am sorting the kids getting them to school then i come home for about 45 mins and get sorted for work. i then go to work and get home 3.30-3.40 i work in a school kitchen its very busy and physical. Im 16 weeks pregnant and having problems with my hips and back time i get home i want to cry in pain and can hardly walk

Whilst I don't think you are expecting her to do that much considering she only goes to college for two days, this part you wrote sounds to me like something someone would say when moaning about their partner.

I think she should pull her weight because she lives there and has 5 days a week when she's not at college not because you are pregnant, tired, working and bringing up two younger boys...that was your choice, not hers.

Hope I don't sound too harsh by the way!

springydaffs Thu 13-Nov-14 22:27:14

X-post. Well, no, it's not her responsibility to do your babysitting (though I appreciate that different families do things differently on this). She's facilitating your projects so far, she needs to be putting her energy into pursuing her own projects, working towards her own aims.

Does she know what she wants to do? Not just career-wise, but what interests her? Is she pursuing any interests, working her way towards achieving something that is her own project. At the mo, in a way, she is living your life and she resents it. No 17yo is interested in housework (or babysitting), those are your aims.

springydaffs Thu 13-Nov-14 22:30:48

That's not to say she shouldn't do any housework though! She lives there and needs to pull her weight. But she needs to be developing her own interests and projects.

ghostspirit Thu 13-Nov-14 22:31:15

springydaffs, i get where your coming from. she should be learning by her own mistakes. but she does not do responsibility. at 16 she studied animal care. she did not study. messed about did not go to college as she should do. failed the course had nothing to show for a whole year. now 17 i have struggled to get her to stay at college just 2 times a week. i think the only reason she has not been kicked of the course is because i called the college a few times and explained.

With the telling her what to do. she say yes i know i know mum yes... then when i dont tell her she does not do one single thing then says i did not tell her...

mon/tues college after college she does what she wants. wed/thurs/fri has to do they things i have already said from 3.40pm she can do as she pleases. sat/sun does what she wants. oh yeah and school holidays. i only ask her to help out on one tidy up day

ilovesooty Thu 13-Nov-14 22:32:52

What's she doing at college that only requires attendance 2 days a week and where there is no study outside the classroom?

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