Sorry, this isnt about a puppy but DH may nosey on here and also I manipulatively know that a title like that would get traffic - please don't berate me for that. Have namechanged for this thread.
Backstory is been married 25 years, mostly happily but with some bumpy bits. MIL is 90 and has recently had an op on her hand which has limited her activities (previously she was very independent). BIL recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease which has nasty side effects has mostly taken on 24 hour caring role with DH. This is supported by carers x 2 a day to do personal stuff.
BIL has willingly taken all the decisions and has the tendency to still treat dh like his silly little brother. Dh has done his best and has taken 2 weeks off his stressful ft job so he can be with his mum 24 hours when his brother had appointments etc (as that's what his brother has decided she requires).
This has been going on since end Sep and I am sick of it. dh is grumpy and miserable a there's no end in sight (last night she'd lost her footing on the stairs even though we'd had another bannister put in) and also her op isn't healing as it should be.
I feel that BIL chose to be his mums carer at the detriment to his wife and family who live elsewhere. He is quite comfortable with this as it prob makes him feel useful. But he expects dh to step in at will and to continue and to make the same choice as he has. This is making dh so miserable and in turn making me miserable.
Last night I was chewing this over and was awake half the night. I decided that dh needed to hear how I felt which was a] that I was happy to sit down with MIL/BIL/SIL/DH and discuss as a family how we could sort this situation best but that I wasn't up for being dictated to by BIL even though I know that's for dh to manage. and b] I wasn't up for being a carer and am not going to take on that role (I've stayed with her days/nights so dh could go out etc but hated every minute). I worry so that this is going to grow and grow and every Thurs -Mon dh will be living with her so his brother can go home - that's what BIl is inferring now.
Anyway the conversation this morning didn't go well. DH has told me he's never asked me to be a carer (fair enough he hasn't but he's so utterly miserable about all this it is impacting) and he's told me he doesn't want us all to sit down together and talk. He's also devastated about his brothers diagnosis and knows that increased stress and anxiety is part of this and if he doesn't go along with what his brother wants, his brother gets massively anxious.
I so feel for dh, he's between a rock and a hard place but AIBU in telling him a] Im disengaging from it all and b] he needs to set boundaries/timescales c] his family take priority over his mothers needs.
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AIBU?
To rehome my labradoodle
50 replies
Namechan9e · 13/11/2014 08:25
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