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To rehome my labradoodle

(51 Posts)
Namechan9e Thu 13-Nov-14 08:25:50

Sorry, this isnt about a puppy but DH may nosey on here and also I manipulatively know that a title like that would get traffic - please don't berate me for that. Have namechanged for this thread.

Backstory is been married 25 years, mostly happily but with some bumpy bits. MIL is 90 and has recently had an op on her hand which has limited her activities (previously she was very independent). BIL recently diagnosed with a degenerative disease which has nasty side effects has mostly taken on 24 hour caring role with DH. This is supported by carers x 2 a day to do personal stuff.

BIL has willingly taken all the decisions and has the tendency to still treat dh like his silly little brother. Dh has done his best and has taken 2 weeks off his stressful ft job so he can be with his mum 24 hours when his brother had appointments etc (as that's what his brother has decided she requires).

This has been going on since end Sep and I am sick of it. dh is grumpy and miserable a there's no end in sight (last night she'd lost her footing on the stairs even though we'd had another bannister put in) and also her op isn't healing as it should be.

I feel that BIL chose to be his mums carer at the detriment to his wife and family who live elsewhere. He is quite comfortable with this as it prob makes him feel useful. But he expects dh to step in at will and to continue and to make the same choice as he has. This is making dh so miserable and in turn making me miserable.

Last night I was chewing this over and was awake half the night. I decided that dh needed to hear how I felt which was a] that I was happy to sit down with MIL/BIL/SIL/DH and discuss as a family how we could sort this situation best but that I wasn't up for being dictated to by BIL even though I know that's for dh to manage. and b] I wasn't up for being a carer and am not going to take on that role (I've stayed with her days/nights so dh could go out etc but hated every minute). I worry so that this is going to grow and grow and every Thurs -Mon dh will be living with her so his brother can go home - that's what BIl is inferring now.

Anyway the conversation this morning didn't go well. DH has told me he's never asked me to be a carer (fair enough he hasn't but he's so utterly miserable about all this it is impacting) and he's told me he doesn't want us all to sit down together and talk. He's also devastated about his brothers diagnosis and knows that increased stress and anxiety is part of this and if he doesn't go along with what his brother wants, his brother gets massively anxious.

I so feel for dh, he's between a rock and a hard place but AIBU in telling him a] Im disengaging from it all and b] he needs to set boundaries/timescales c] his family take priority over his mothers needs.

paxtecum Thu 13-Nov-14 08:33:01

Does your BIL want to keep your MIL in her home so the future inheritance doesn't gey eaten away with care home fees?

youareallbonkers Thu 13-Nov-14 08:43:58

God forbid children should care for their elderly parents. Dump them in a home and enjoy your life. Maybe your kids won't treat you the same...

Floralnomad Thu 13-Nov-14 08:49:48

The bottom line is that its your husbands decision how he deals with his family and your decision is do you support him or not . His mum is 90 ,she is not going to be around forever , you can tell him his family take priority and he might just tell you that his mum is his family .

paxtecum Thu 13-Nov-14 08:52:15

youareallbonkers I'm probably a lot nearer needing care than you are.

I will not be having my DCs running themselves ragged and making themselves ill by looking after me.

NotYouNaanBread Thu 13-Nov-14 08:52:38

YABU. What do you think happens to parents when they get old? Are you looking forward to the day your children bung you into the nearest state home to avoid any inconvenience? Part of the deal with having children is making sure that you have someone to care for you in your old age. My MIL and I don't get on, but if it came down to it, of course we would care for her if it came to it.

However, you are right in that your BIL needs to stop dismissing your DH's opinion, especially as he is going to be more reliant on a collaborative effort to care for their mother.

aderynlas Thu 13-Nov-14 08:52:53

Sorry to hear about your mil op. It sounds like you want to find a solution that works for you all. Its difficult trying to care for parents and a family. There is help available and maybe a talk with your husband and bil would sort out some of the problems.

gaggiagirl Thu 13-Nov-14 08:53:25

his family take priority over his mother's needs

His mother is his family too.

BorisBaby Thu 13-Nov-14 08:54:07

Youareallbonkers When I'm in need of carers I will be going to a home its not my children's job to look after 24/7 I would want them to visit every few days but not have to change their lifestyles just so they could wipe my arse and feed me! Maybe bonkers you'd be happy for your DC to stop their life's just for you but many parents don't want that for their children. Just to add when FIL had cancer we offered to care for him in our own house.

OP does your DH fully understand the effect this will have on his lifestyle and marriage?

dingit Thu 13-Nov-14 08:54:17

What a difficult situation. Really helpful comment bonkers.
Could the authorities give you any help? She must be entitled to a care allowance/ carer.

dingit Thu 13-Nov-14 08:56:16

Sorry, I shouldn't read so fast, see that she has carers.

londonrach Thu 13-Nov-14 08:56:23

Tbh i think you all need to get together and talk about best options for your mil be it in her own home, a sheltered one with no stairs or a home. I see patients in their own home and in a nursing home and both can be excellent if the right care package is in place. (Thinks back to the recent nursing home where there was people playing wii games (bowling) in one room, another huge group were making patchwork with lots of different material (lovely colours and patterns) on the table to choose from and a very vocal game of bingo going on in another room whilst others were sitting in their own rooms, reading, watching our tv or chatting to visitors. Some of my patients werent there as they taken the bus out with others to the local garden centre!) its not easy getting the care together and sounds like both bil and dh are doing their best. Have you thought of a live in carer. Got two patients with a live in carer and both are excellent. X

MildDrPepperAddiction Thu 13-Nov-14 08:56:28

His mother was his family before you. God forbid he should want to care for her. hmm

WeirdCatLady Thu 13-Nov-14 08:57:50

Not sure why you felt the need to lie in your thread title.

If your dh wants to look after his mother (even though she isn't really family according to you) then I'm afraid you'll just have to suck it up.

NCIS Thu 13-Nov-14 08:58:48

I have told my children I want to go into a home when the time comes, having grown up in a home where my Mother was caring for an elderly relative I would not want that to happen to my grandchildren.

fromparistoberlin73 Thu 13-Nov-14 09:01:56

you should back off I think- she is 90, her son now has degenerative disease- let them handle it as they see best

this is the shit we sign up for with families and marriage - its tough

ps she is 90 so lets face it she wont be around for that much longer anyway

BastardGoDarkly Thu 13-Nov-14 09:05:27

This is a difficult one op, your dh committing to thurs-Mon living with her is going to be a massive strain on family life.

How old are your dc? Are they living at home?

I can totally understand your dhs pov, I intend to have my mum live here is she ever needs to.

chubbymummy Thu 13-Nov-14 09:07:19

YABU you shouldn't have taken on a puppy if you aren't prepared to look after it!

outtolunchagain Thu 13-Nov-14 09:07:51

those people saying they just have to suck it up , have you ever cared for an elderly and frail person. It's hard , very hard , what about the OPs own children , are they expected to do without a father so that he can care for his mother?Is the OP expected to give up her job to be a carer, if so what will be the impact on the standard of living for the whole family. etc

Caring for an elderly person can mean that one person has to be in the house at all times , no more family outings etc In addition , has there been as assessment of her needs , is this indeed the right option for her , what is her opinion or does everyone just do as BIL says .what about night time care etc

OP there is an elderly parents section to this forum with people who are experiencing these problems first hand and who are very knowledgeable about the options out there , I would post in that section if I were you.Its in the "other stuff " section

CromerSutra Thu 13-Nov-14 09:11:42

Hi OP, I feel for you all. I have been a carer for my MIL for some 6 years now. She has dementia and we moved her across the country so that we could be closer to her and help her. I don't want to bore you with the whole long story but suffice to say it has been enormously challenging.

I work part time my DW works full time (both women) and also DW has a difficult relationship with her mum so it seemed sensible and I was happy to take on the caring role for the most part. They are each other's only family and despite their fractious relationship DW wanted the best for her mum. I do think you need to show support for your DH no matter how you might feel, this is his mother after all and she is very elderly and vulnerable. That doesn't mean you should have to become a carer yourself but I think you need to accept his desire to be a part of her care.

About 18 mths ago my MIL had some health problems that sent her downhill and made it really hard for me to cope on my own. We managed to bring in more care so I now share her care with carers who come in and assist her during the day. It was hard to admit I needed that help but doing so has meant that we are all happier. Would this work for your family? MIL now has a carer pop in 3 times a day and I go over 4 times a week to do shopping, give her a shower, keep her company etc? It's not too much and I can still cope with my job and family. There are all sorts of other care packages you could look into to support you so that no one is doing it all which I accept is very difficult and not for everyone.

Namechan9e Thu 13-Nov-14 09:12:53

Do you know what the bottom line is? I just feel like I don't matter - like what I say isn't even worth listening to and that my feelings should just be dismissed. I've been a decent wife for over 30 years, am old myself and no way will I ever see my kids miserable over me like we are over her.

I don't think I've got it over that my dh doesn't want to care for his mother. He hates it but he feels obliged to because his brother does want to care for her, plus he has his illness to cope with which is exacerbated by stress and anxiety. So DH feels he has no choice but just to fall in with the arrangements. He is miserable, I feel resentful and unimportant but his mother wont countenance a stairlift, a commode, temporary sitting room upstairs (bathroom upstairs, 24 hour care is given as she struggles upstairs not because of any underlying health conditions).

I do think leaving it to them is the only way I will stay smiling but that's so so hard when dh comes home miserable, moaning about it and then falls asleep at 9pm on the sofa worn out by all the stress of it.

Marriage shit eh.

vdbfamily Thu 13-Nov-14 09:12:58

It sounds to me like having someone there all the time is a bit OTT. She has been assessed (I assume) as needing carers x 2 daily to assist with personal care. So once downstairs, she is able to use the toilet independently? and walk safely? It is just her hand that is not functioning is it not and she was 'very independent' before the operation. Does she have a toilet up and downstairs. Does she have a commode by her bed for nighttime? This sounds to me like a situation that should improve which maybe why your DH and brother are investing time in it now as they think it might only be for a few weeks. I would say that if in a months time she has not made considerable improvements,there does need to be a conversation about the sustainability of the care situation. If she is really struggling with her independence,ask a local 'Intermediate Care team' to come and make sure she has all the equipment she needs to be safe and they can work with her to regain her independence. Does she have a Lifeline pendant? Has she ever considered going to Age U.K lunch clubs or other clubs to have some company during day and a hot meal. These clubs will often have transport and also offer hairdressing/chiropody/bathing/advice etc.
In the short-term I would try really hard to support your husband and try not to make him choose.As you say ,he is between a rock and a hard place but his mum is his mum,she gave up the first 20 years of his life to raising him so a bit of pay back now is not unreasonable. How many nights sleep did she lose when he was a baby?

DoJo Thu 13-Nov-14 09:13:58


Of all the grandparents I have had (which is a few more than the average) one made it to 93, one to 95 and one to 97, all of whom lived in their own homes until a few weeks before their death. Given that the MIL in this case was very independent until recently, it's possible she has years left in her, so assuming that she will not last long could be a dangerous game if the health and well-being of the people caring for her is concerned.

I don't understand why your husband isn't keen to sit down and discuss this with your BIL - surely all of you working together is likely to have the best results for your MIL as well as allowing you all to feel as though you have a say? Do you think your husband just needs time to process his brother's diagnosis? Could you give him a timescale by which you want to have had the discussion, but let him drive the pace so he doesn't feel as though he's been 'brow-beaten' into it?

vdbfamily Thu 13-Nov-14 09:18:32

Lots of people have a care package that supervises them upstairs in the evening and down again in the morning.This may mean MIL has to retire to bed at 8pm when the carers can come but surely she could have a tv in her bedroom? If it is just about the stairs then I agree, she has to take some responsibilty for her choices and if she refuses to live up/down temporarily or have a stairlift, then I would suggest the package of care is adjusted to escourt her upstairs. If there are some days your BIL says he will visit and see her up then she can stay downstairs longer but on the days he cannot be there,then the evning carers should see her up. If she does not have evening careres then she should do if she has been assessed as not safe alone on stairs.

SheffieldWondered Thu 13-Nov-14 09:21:06

There are some strange and unhelpful replies here. shock the OP hasn't even mentioned putting the MIL in a home or suggested that her DH not help care for her. The OP is about the BIL and her DH not planning or discussing anything and the long term implications.

OP,I am not sure what advice I cangive but I can totally see this type of senerio happening in my DHs family. It's good that they already have carers going in to help your MIL. Is it possible for your family to fund or access any more help?
Anything that would lighten the workload would help - online shopping, a cleaner etc.
It might be that you will just have to accept that your DH is going to be doing this and that your burden will be to try and facilitate him doing this. I don't think telling him that your family unit come first is going to be helpful. How old are your children? Can you get some additional help with them or your house (cleaner etc) so that your DH has less to do when he is at home. I think you probably are just going to have to support him as best you can.

I do think it's ok for you not to do any caring. My MIL only has sons but I would not want to do any caring for her.

Good luck with this, it's a very difficult and sad situation.

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