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Me or my ex being unreasonable?

(14 Posts)
Juliejools89 Wed 12-Nov-14 22:57:30

We split 3 months ago. Relationship was toxic but we tried to stay amicable for our little boy. Haven't been happy for about a year though and toyed with breaking up several times.
We have a routine now in place where son stays with his dad two nights a week and then we alternate weekends- it's worked really well so far except every time my ex has out son there is a problem that he simply must consult me about/call me round/bring our son back.
I don't mind, or at least I didn't. I am poorly at the moment having had a small operation yesterday but it's ok as ex has son Tuesday and Wednesday and mums coming to help out tomorrow. I just got a call (10:20pm) that son had had an accident, wet through his pull up and ex 'forgot to buy more at the weekend' so could I run one over, with fresh pjs as he hasn't done his laundry from the weekend yet either. So I did, walking it as fast as I could in pjs and a coat. Took 25 minutes in all so not long, but I am seething angry.
Am I being unreasonable to think that on his nights he should be man enough to deal with these things? I daren't arrange to do anything for my weekends without my child because I know something will happen to have me called upon. It's literally every single time.
Or perhaps I'm being selfish and you genuinely don't get 'time off' from being mum. Just wondering.

avocadotoast Wed 12-Nov-14 23:01:18

Nah, your ex sounds unreasonable. Why can't he do his laundry and get pull up pants in so he had them ready? Sounds like he's just being unprepared and irresponsible to me.

It is difficult though, because obviously you want to do what's best for your son, and you're not exactly going to leave him without a change of clean clothes.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 12-Nov-14 23:03:12

Of course you shouldn't have walked that lot over! What would happen if you didnt answer the phone/were not at home etc?

3littlefrogs Wed 12-Nov-14 23:04:17

He is doing it on purpose. IMO

Juliejools89 Wed 12-Nov-14 23:05:04

He said he'd have called my mum (she and my dad look after son while I'm at work you see- they have tons of supplies..)

cestlavielife Wed 12-Nov-14 23:05:42

You need to leave your ex to sort out your ds. He can always take him to a local all. Night tesco buy some pull ups.
Worst that can happen your ds has to sleep in tee shirt of his dads.
Unless you leave your ex to sort out the small problems he will never learn. Stop running when ex calls. Just say oh dear I am sure you can sort something out.

Jolleigh Wed 12-Nov-14 23:07:17

He's BU, not you. I'm a single mum and had to learn to deal with 'pickles' like this one on my own. He should be capable of doing the same.

That said, the only fool proof way of fixing it is to stop answering his calls. Which you can't do in case it's something serious.

Have you had a word with him about it?

DoJo Wed 12-Nov-14 23:08:03

He sounds pathetic! Who has a child and doesn't know that they need supplies of everything they use regularly? Do you think he is engineering these situations to see you? Or to control you so that you can't relax and make plans for the times when he is supposed to be taking care of your son?

BitterHoneyGreenNight Wed 12-Nov-14 23:10:20

Your ex is being unreasonable. Of course he us. When he has his son he should parent him. This includes having a couple of pairs of clean PJs at his house as well as some pull-ups. It's pretty basic stuff really.

I can see your dilemma because you don't want your DS to be left without appropriate clothing or whatever. But at the same time, you going over there and sorting it out is enabling ex's behaviour. If he is calling you "literally every single time' he has his son, this is clearly unacceptable and it needs to stop.

He should have clean clothes, pull-ups, Calpol etc at his house. It's not rocket science is it? I'd tell him that you are unavailable for the weekend and leave him to it. He'll soon learn.

Juliejools89 Wed 12-Nov-14 23:11:08

I have spoke to him about it and he said I'm exaggerating and he isn't doing anything wrong as I am his mother.
What grates is when I have ds for 5 straight days we don't hear so much as a peep or 'how is he?'.
If ds asks to call him (he's 3) we do after a couple of days, and no answer, so ds leaves a sweet voicemail like 'I miss you daddy' and nothing.
I thought separating would be easier!!

BitterHoneyGreenNight Wed 12-Nov-14 23:13:54

Don't engage with ex or get into a discussion about it. Just don't go over there again if he asks.

You need to set firm boundaries or he will walk all over you.

Jolleigh Wed 12-Nov-14 23:56:23

Next time maybe state that you're out shopping with your parents (stops him ringing them too) and he'll have to deal with it himself. Yes, you're his mum. But he's his dad and should be equally equipped to care for his son.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 13-Nov-14 00:33:05

I would keep a ongoing diary and write down ever time he does it. Sent my self a set time in the future to look back at it and asses if it was every time or if there was any improvement that my getting cross may not enable me to see with out it written down in front of me.

If it was still the same with no improvement I would attempt to comunicate with him about it factually listing dates times and what was asked and make it clear what his responsibilities are and that his relationship with his son requires him to parent,highlight the difference between lack of preparation and emergency . I would then request that my mother didn't collude with him by 'helping' and withdraw any support I had offered. Then if he was not prepared I would significantly reduce contact to what he was able to prepare for and cope with.

wheresthelight Thu 13-Nov-14 11:06:13

stop answering the phone! if it's urgent he will leave a message.

sounds like he is scared of dealing with your son on his own. my dp is a great father but having all 3 kids on his own scares the shit out of him!! he can cope with one at a time and his elder 2 but add our 15 month old into the mix and you would think I had asked him to single handedly eradicate cancer in 20 minutes.

you need to stop facilitating it or he will never learn

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