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How to tell mil we're eloping

(89 Posts)
Kab13 Tue 11-Nov-14 16:34:18

Mainly posting for traffic.
Try and keep it simple. Difficult, "overbearing" (narcissistic) mil went crazy in the middle of a market when we slightly hinted about eloping. She assumed she would come "don't worry dad and I will pay for our flights" and was a little upset shall we say when we told her if we did elope it would be well...alone.
We've decided it's what we want to do, only problem is mil is super excited about planning and being the centre of our "big day".
I don't want a big day, I just want a marriage and celebrations when we return.
How an earth do I break this to her? Genuinely scared.
She's not paying for anything may I add, me and dp are forking out for everything. She will still be able to celebrate and play the "proud mother" act when we do that but I know it just won't be enough.
Don't think any of my family will care at all as long as there's a party ...it's literally just her

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 11-Nov-14 16:36:51

I thought that the whole point of eloping was that you didn't tell anyone, you just went off and did it?

And then you tell them once it's done.

No?

chasingtherainbow Tue 11-Nov-14 16:37:43

It's not eloping if you tell people before you go surely?

holidaysarenice Tue 11-Nov-14 16:38:11

I thought you eloped and didn't tell anyone? x

Chippednailvarnish Tue 11-Nov-14 16:39:16

You don't tell her your DP does, it's his mother and he is responsible for telling her. Otherwise she'll decide its all your fault...

Jenda Tue 11-Nov-14 16:39:26

I agree. just do it . You could always have a blessing at the party when you are back. It's your day

MonstrousRatbag Tue 11-Nov-14 16:41:29

Do it, quickly and in absolute secrecy. Come home, enjoy the secret, let the glow wear off before you tell anyone.

Fishcotheque Tue 11-Nov-14 16:42:12

If it's defowhat you want then don't say another word. Just do it. You tried to bring it up and she went mental. They are the typical in laws who don't respect boundaries. If they were less dramatic maybe you coul have an adult discussion. They clearly aren't up to it so it would be futile.
We kind of wanted to elope. We hate a fuss. I couldn't do it to my mum though even though she is lovely and would nt complain publicly.

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 11-Nov-14 16:44:20

You say 'we did it!'

Afterwards of course.

Aberchips Tue 11-Nov-14 16:45:23

Don't tell her - just do it!

Stalequavers Tue 11-Nov-14 16:47:07

Don't tell her. Simple.

PrettyLittleMitty Tue 11-Nov-14 16:47:49

Don't give her the oppurtunity to ruin the excitment for you both. Go off, get married, don't tell anyone until you get back. You won't give a rats ass by then lol if it makes her feel better tell her she can help organise the party after.

Boomtownsurprise Tue 11-Nov-14 16:50:39

Just go! Don't tell anyone!

I would however suggest planning the party so her invite is in the post if dh is a wimp for your return.

Kab13 Tue 11-Nov-14 16:52:49

I don't know if "not telling her" would make her react even worse.
Also didn't know eloping was a secret thing...it's been a few months since any discussion of it so if we just did it would it still count?!
Also we wouldn't elope until next year, means I have to bat of mil's grand wedding plans for a while.
Tough considering she's tuning our "venue" to take a look :L

sparechange Tue 11-Nov-14 16:53:11

The whole point of eloping is to avoid the sort of nonsense that would come from telling overbearing people that it is happening but they can't be involved.
Go, enjoy and tell her when you get back!

Kab13 Tue 11-Nov-14 16:55:29

The look on her face would be priceless...

FunkyBoldRibena Tue 11-Nov-14 16:57:24

dictionary.reference.com/browse/elope

When she blows her top, say 'that's the point MIL, you aren't supposed to approve! So well done.'

MonstrousRatbag Tue 11-Nov-14 16:58:03

Which would you rather have to deal with, a worse reaction when you get back, or a ruined wedding?

berceuse Tue 11-Nov-14 16:59:23

We didn't 'elope' but I didn't want a big fuss either. I simply told everyone that we were getting married on X date and that the only people who would be there would be my best friend and her husband.

Didn't go down too well but neither of us wanted to dance to someone else's tune. Mid thirties, neither of us been married before, just didn't want a fuss.

We had a fantastic day, hired two chauffeur driven cars, registry office and lunch/afternoon at a Michelin starred restaurant. Wouldn't change a thing.

Stand firm and do what you want to.

Kab13 Tue 11-Nov-14 17:05:50

It's tough. I think we will probably just do it and tell them when we return. Has anyone had a blessing before? Or been to one?
Are they less stress than an actual wedding or does it defeat the point of eloping really?

berceuse Tue 11-Nov-14 17:08:20

No experience at all here but I would think that it was as stressful as tbh. Still lots of organising to do.

Ragwort Tue 11-Nov-14 17:10:34

She needs to be aware that there is no 'big day' so she doesn't start planning for it, so perhaps you (or more rightly your DP) needs to tell her that you have no immediate plans for getting married. Do not enter into any further discussion on the subject of weddings.

Then tell her after you have been married, by all means plan a small blessing - if that is what YOU BOTH want but just make sure you arrange it all yourselves.

Suefla62 Tue 11-Nov-14 17:20:28

Defeats the point of eloping. My daughter eloped because of her MIL who sounds about the same as yours. It's a good few years ago now, she used the money they would have spent on a wedding to make a down payment on a cute little house.

LisaMed Tue 11-Nov-14 18:15:58

It's not that dear to get married in church linky

It's not that dear to get married in a register office, one place seems to be only £49 but that's just with a skim google [http://www.cheshireeast.gov.uk/register_office/fees/marriage_fees.aspx here]] and there are almost certainly extra bits.

Then all you need is two strangers off the street or some volunteer mumsnetters and a camera team to capture MIL's reaction when you tell her it's a done deal. There is no easy way out - you will suffer no matter what so you may as well have a good memory of the actual ceremony.

Congratulations on your coming wedding and good luck!

Fluffyears Tue 11-Nov-14 18:48:18

Rather than a blessing get a hand fasting...this is where the term 'tying the knot' came from.

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