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to shout at dh

(36 Posts)
MrsAtticus Mon 10-Nov-14 19:11:40

confusedI'll try and keep this brief. Dh has habit if dcs are ill of trying to find someone or something to blame, often me. I've leatnt it comes from fear and worry and he often apologises for it later. Last night ds2 up alnight crying for unknown reasons. He's 9 months. We've been lucky not to have this sort of thing very often. Dh and I were both up with him for a while, but it was me and my breasts he wanted so dh went to bed and I settled in for a long night, after breathing deeply through a series of questions regarding what I had fed him, if I had dressed him warmly enough, and if I had taken him near any ill kids. At 6am having not slept I wad changing him and the cryong woke dh up. He came down and continued with the questioning, concluding that the natural yoghurt which has been open for 3 days was what made him ill and said "this is what happens when you don't listen" at which point I got very angry and told him to go away and stop being stupid. We never speak to eachothet like this and he thinks I was way out of order, but I feel I was pushed! So do I apologise? No LTBs please its not that bad

PoppyWearer Mon 10-Nov-14 19:18:16

It sounds like typical sleep-deprived sniping to me.

You need to have a conversation along the lines of "I'm sorry I was snappy, it was because I'm exhausted." And hope he reciprocates. And then leave it there without getting into competitive tiredness, however tempting that is.

This too shall pass. I remember many such nights. DH and I are still together and sometimes we get to sleep all night, uninterrupted.

Marmiteandjamislush Mon 10-Nov-14 19:19:34

Neither of you were unreasonable. You are right not to accept being probed by DH and he is not unreasonable in his anxiety. He would be unreasonable however, if he could not engage in a sensible discussion about whether he needs to see the GP re. his anxiety and managing it.

Marmiteandjamislush Mon 10-Nov-14 19:19:38

Neither of you were unreasonable. You are right not to accept being probed by DH and he is not unreasonable in his anxiety. He would be unreasonable however, if he could not engage in a sensible discussion about whether he needs to see the GP re. his anxiety and managing it.

NaiceNickname Mon 10-Nov-14 19:20:28

Did he not consider that he could be teething hmm

He would drive me insane. Is he usually so anxious about health issues? Does he trust you more with other things?

glenthebattleostrich Mon 10-Nov-14 19:21:51

He's lucky he just got snapped at, I'd probably have thrown a shitty nappy at him.

I appreciate that he gets scared when your child is ill but he needs to rein in his attitude, especially as you'd been up all night.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Mon 10-Nov-14 19:22:27

YANBU. My DH has a tendancy to blame our DC diet on whatever is wrong with them at a particular time.

"DD didn't do her homework"

"It's because you always give them biscuits"

"DD couldn't sleep..."

"It's because you let her have crisps."


Speak to him seriously about it when you and he have had a better night's sleep.

dreamingbohemian Mon 10-Nov-14 19:26:45

I think your husband is being massively unreasonable actually. Okay, he has anxieties, he needs to come up with some method of coping with them other than blaming you when DC are sick! Because they are going to be sick a lot and 99% of the time it will have nothing to do with anything you've done. Especially as you are caring for them, it is just not on to criticise you.

So I think YANBU, he is not behaving normally at all.

ipswichwitch Mon 10-Nov-14 19:27:30

DH has anxiety (now on sertraline it's gotten that bad) and he would do this. He will always think the worst if the DC are ill and I constantly get asked what's wrong with them, where they have been, etc. he can sometimes get snippy with it, always ends up apologising though. Doesn't help that we are massively sleep deprived, but his anxiety has been a long standing issue that has got so much worse recently. Might be worth your DH having a chat with the gp if this is the case for him.

Charitybelle Mon 10-Nov-14 19:29:11

Urgh, sounds v annoying and I'm quite sensitive to criticism around Dcs so it would actually hurt my feelings a lot if my dh were to question my care of them in this way. Perhaps just have a word when you've both had a bit of sleep and calmly tell him that you've picked up on this and his anxiety, but that it's really not helpful. I'd tell him that if he starts it again next time one of them is sick I would be ignoring him until he speaks to me with some respect. Hopefully he'll understand and apologise, good luck!

Canyouforgiveher Mon 10-Nov-14 19:44:35

the only conversation I would have expected out of him was "how is he now love, was it a very bad night? you must be exhausted"

I don't think it is reasonable to say to someone up all night minding a crying child "this is what happens when you don't listen"

that is pretty inflammatory actually. At the very least it is unreasonable to say it and not expect your spouse to be angry. He sounds very anxious and tbh very precious about you getting angry with him.

ApocalypseThen Mon 10-Nov-14 19:51:44

It's a shame that, as the expert, he's not doing it all himself.

Jolleigh Tue 11-Nov-14 09:27:06

I feel for you. A lot. EXP asked (in a slightly accusatory tone) the other day how DD (7months) got a cold. My response was something along the lines of "I visited the hospital and let people sneeze all over her and wipe their noses on her dress." Then at the annoyed look on his face, "Well you did ask a stupid question. She's a tiny person who's never come into contact with these things before so doesn't have much immunity against them yet." Luckily, him being an ex and an arsehole I don't have to smooth things over.

Maybe have a slightly apologetic word and explain where he rubbed you up the wrong way? He was BU but he was doing it from a place of concern. I'd have done the same as you for what it's worth.

Infinity8 Tue 11-Nov-14 09:38:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurningThirty Tue 11-Nov-14 09:50:32

My DH used to do this, along with making me / DCs feel as if we are faking illness for attention. After much digging it turns out his mum used to punish him as a kid when he was ill and he learned to hide symptoms as a result. He's massively sorry and upset about it and has learnt to be patient and calm when we're poorly.

Could it be a childhood experience that's given your DH anxieties about illness? Coping with illness is hard as it's not something that always has a rational explanation or quick solution, especially if that's his normal coping mechanism. Hope you all feel better soon (we're all sick here too)!

itiswhatitiswhatitis Tue 11-Nov-14 09:53:58

Oh god that would have done my head in I would have shouted too.

whois Tue 11-Nov-14 10:22:27

He's being a dick. Having anxiety doesn't give him the right to tell you you're a crap parent and have caused the illness.

gincamparidryvermouth Tue 11-Nov-14 10:29:31

I wouldn't be apologising for reacting angrily to bring told "this is what happens when you don't listen."

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 11-Nov-14 10:30:19

Perhaps point out to him that while you realise he is concerned, looking for blame doesn't help the situation. Suggest that it might be better if he helped you by focusing on easing you and your dc through the illness, rather than looking for the cause. Children catch things, they get ill. The only time it's really urgent that you nail down the cause and blame is when they've gotten into something poisonous, gotten food poisoning, or are having an allergic reaction (and even in an allergic reaction, treatment is primary, looking for cause is secondary). Other than that, it's "deal with the illness itself and move on" in my book.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 11-Nov-14 10:35:24

Your DH is being massively U. You were up all night with your DS and the first thing he does in the morning is criticise your parenting? My DH would have been told to fuck off to the far side of fuck. You were very restrained. Once you've caught up on some sleep and have calmed down, I would say to him that you realise he has anxieties, but that they are his problem, not yours, and that you refuse to be his punching bag or to allow him to look at every way in which you might be to blame every time your DC get a sniffle. In particular the "this is what happens when you don't listen" would make me blow my top. Who the fuck does he think he is, that you need to obey him? A serious conversation is in order.

ChippingInAutumnLover Tue 11-Nov-14 10:38:39

Me either gin.

Do not apologise. He has two options, he gets help for his anxiety & stops saying fucking stupid and insulting things like 'this is what happens when you don't listen' or he goes under the patio.

It's not nice, it's not acceptable. Don't put up with it.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Tue 11-Nov-14 10:40:57

I'd say some of it might be anxiety combined with some sleep deprivation, however, you said he went to bed and you stayed up. He would have been more helpful if he had said "you go ahead and get some sleep, I'll take over now for a bit." hmm

I agree some discussion needs to be had. But best to switch off a bit and get some sleep first if you can. Discussions without sleep are rarely productive.

IrianofWay Tue 11-Nov-14 10:43:42

You aren't. He is. I'd have thrown something at him if I had been up all night!!

BertieBotts Tue 11-Nov-14 10:48:31

Can you tell him when none of the DC are ill and you're not all sleep deprived and anxious that he has to stop this, actually? That small children get ill and it's normal and usually nothing that any specific person has or hasn't done. And it's really really unhelpful of him to go around sniping about it, even if he does apologise and say that he was unreasonable later.

Like others said, he could seek help for this anxiety. (Sounds almost like OCD)

He is being unreasonable. You almost never know the reason why DC get ill (its can be down to breathing the same air as other members of the human race hmm) so you can't prevent it. Nor should you try, its normal for children to get ill until their immune system develops fully e.g. common colds
"Common cold is the most common disease

Common cold infections are so widespread that there can be very few humans who escape infection each year and most will suffer multiple infections. It has been estimated that adults suffer 2 to 5 colds per year, and school children may suffer 7 to 10 colds per year.

As we get older we get fewer colds

As we get older our immune system learns how to deal with more and more viruses as we generate antibodies each time we get a cold."

He is effectively using you as an emotional punchbag to offload his anxiety and that is not fair. He needs to find a better way of dealing with it.

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