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To not want my 13 y.o. DS watching porn?!

(52 Posts)
kellyandthecat Mon 10-Nov-14 18:50:33

One of my DDs let slip that my sons have an external harddrive that contains a large amount of pornography which they pass down like some kind of family heirloom! I remember buying the harddrive for DS1 a few years ago and then it disappearing. Apparently DS2 has had it since at boarding school and now that DS3 is thirteen they are planning to give it to him. My oldest DD who told me this seemed to think it was hilarious in a disgusting way and my DH says boys will be boys and will not talk to them about it. I don't want my DS to be watching this stuff after I read so much about it giving boys strange and terrible ideas about women and I'm dissapointed in my other sons!! AIBU expecting my DH to do more about this?!

2minsofyourtime Mon 10-Nov-14 19:11:58

Yanbu, the ease of access to porn by children is horrendous. If dh won't speak to him you should

HeadDoctor Mon 10-Nov-14 19:14:13

I wouldn't be waiting for my DH to say anything tbh. I'd be saying it myself.

kellyandthecat Mon 10-Nov-14 19:23:08

I would not want to completely humiliate my DS (or myself!) with a really awkward situation and I feel like my DH could talk to him 'man to man' is the only reason I have not done it myself

bodhranbae Mon 10-Nov-14 19:28:00

I'd be bollocking them all and giving them a swift education in why the porn industry is so despicable.
Sod all this "man to man" stuff. You are their mother.

PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair Mon 10-Nov-14 19:30:39

If you want them to get the message that porn is objectifying and damaging to relationships then you need to have the conversation yourself. If your DH is not on the same page as you the message he gives your DSs about it might end up being very different.

Man to Man is bollocks, this is a parent to offspring moment.

TooMuchCantBreathe Mon 10-Nov-14 19:34:39

You don't need to talk to your 13yo do you? He's getting it not made it? Surely you should be ripping a strip off educating the older boys (and girl tbh). As for "man to man" your dh clearly thinks porn is ok so why would you want him to talk?

gamerchick Mon 10-Nov-14 19:40:27

Man I would go nuclear.

Come to jesus meeting with all of them and take a hammer to the thing in front of them.

Christ on a bike strap on a pair and sort it out.

vindscreenviper Mon 10-Nov-14 19:49:28

"Come to jesus meeting with all of them and take a hammer to the thing in front of them.

Christ on a bike strap on a pair and sort it out."

I appreciate this is no laughing matter but my flu-ridden brain read your post all wrong gamerchick blush

gamerchick Mon 10-Nov-14 19:57:55

Oh dear I can see what you mean. Hope you're on the mend flowers

Babycham1979 Mon 10-Nov-14 19:59:31

OP, this has been going on since time immemorial. The fact that it's on a hard drive is proof, if ever it were needed, that the internet is an irrelevance. In my day, it was scales of jazz mags found in bushes, and atrocious pirate video tapes. Both we're treated with reverence and passed around like treasure. Every school trip to France or Germany was treated as an opportunity to buy porn, booze, cigarettes and knives (although this was predominantly the boys). Oh, and I went to an 'outstanding' grammar school.

Boys will be boys, I'm afraid. Grit your teeth and let them bond and have their own rites of passage. If you confiscate the hard drive the they'll only find the same material elsewhere. And it's probably backed-up to the cloud anyway. Watching porn is perfectly normal for adolescent boys (and plenty of girls); it won't turn him into a mysoginistic Neanderthal, as long as you brought him up with manners and kindness.

gamerchick Mon 10-Nov-14 20:02:00

Port 'back in the day' was tame compared to what you can get now.

13 is still a child.. give them a packet of fags as well while you're on instead if being a parent hmm

Alisvolatpropiis Mon 10-Nov-14 20:05:20

YANBU at all

Seriouslyffs Mon 10-Nov-14 20:08:50

Oh for Goodness sake. Destroy the hard drive and tell him he'll ruin his normal sex response if he wanks too much.

Seriouslyffs Mon 10-Nov-14 20:10:20

And never mind the fear of humiliating yourself and him. hmm
Do you really want your daughters thinking this is ok?

MuddyBootsAndPinkCoats Mon 10-Nov-14 20:15:23

It depends a bit on what's actually on the hard drive. It could be fairly tame, or it could as you say be 'strange and terrible'.

If they're at boarding school it's going to be difficult to police them.

AlpacaYourThings Mon 10-Nov-14 20:15:45

"Boys will be boys"

hmm angry

kellyandthecat Mon 10-Nov-14 20:28:42

They've been at boarding school so it's always been a bit out of sight and out of mind I suppose I should have paid more attention blush. I know boys like sex (and girls like sex too!) and want to raise them sex positive and blah-blah but I want to make sure they know what's real and what's not, what's good for them and what's not. I wouldn't want to do something drastic like smash it. Seems like an overreaction and I'd be worried they wouldn't feel able to talk to me about sexual things which might be worse confused. Telling a 13 year old he'll mess himself up by wanking seems Victorian! grin

kellyandthecat Mon 10-Nov-14 20:31:57

Reading the comments I think I should talk to them myself or with my DH and maybe with our DDs as well as a family

Coolas Mon 10-Nov-14 20:36:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooMuchCantBreathe Mon 10-Nov-14 20:38:14

You should probably work on your dh before a family meeting the last thing you need is some crap about it being harmless fun getting spouted. Perhaps ask him how he'd feel if it was your dd doing the pictures.

MuddyBootsAndPinkCoats Mon 10-Nov-14 20:38:58

I think if you talk to them as a family it will be their most long living memory of family embarrassment they'll ever have. They'll be reminding each other about it in their 60's...

" do your remember that night mum got us all in the living room to talk about the evils of porn and your mastabatory habits?'

You talking to your sons will be about 3000x more embarrassing than your DH doing it... But you could use that to your advantage !

But you won't stop any of them seeing porn.

kellyandthecat Mon 10-Nov-14 21:43:00

Well it will be a reason for them to remember me and have a laugh when I'm dead and gone MuddyBootsAndPinkCoats! grin

But yeah you're probably right! I suspect my DH would think differently if it was put to him like that TooMuchCantBreathe He's a wonderful man but he can be a bit of a rugby 'lad' sometimes and shrugs his shoulders

Has anyone got a story about talking to their kids about porn before? Or their husband!

unclerory Mon 10-Nov-14 22:08:06

Get them to think about the girls in the porn, I'm sure if you google you'll be able to find some testimonials (is that the right word in this situation?) of porn survivors. They need to wake up from thinking it's just a laugh and all about sex, snigger snigger, and realise it's exploitative and damaging to the participants and the viewers. You owe it to your daughter to teach her that porn is unacceptable.

Wanking is fine, they can do that as much as they want without the visuals. The rest of us seem to manage.

TooMuchCantBreathe Mon 10-Nov-14 22:12:37

It's odd how some men view porn as a very laddish thing but flip at the idea of their wife/sister/mother doing it. Sometimes it takes a more extreme example to make them realise there are actual women in those images with lives and families. The industry does a good job of making the women seem almost doll like in that they appear disconnected with the real world. It's ok to guaff at her breasts because she isn't real. I'd go with some shock tactics all round tbh, asking the boys how they'd feel if their mates were getting their jollies over their sister for example - after all these girls are somebody's sister or daughter.

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