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AIBU?

To feel sad that DH has chosen to be away for PFB 1st birthday?

52 replies

Sommersprossen · 10/11/2014 16:06

As the title says really.

He's going on a course. I don't think it's an essential one and there would be other opportunities to attend the same course in the new year but because it's important to him, he's going on the day our PFB turns one. I feel really sad that he's choosing to be away for PFB's first birthday, I also feel really sad that every time I ask him what he wants to do for the birthday (in the evening when he returns or the following weekend) he's non-committal or doesn't want to discuss it. People keep asking me what we're doing to celebrate the occasion and I feel embarrassed to tell them that I don't know as we haven't planned anything yet (it's fast approaching!)

Feeling sorry for me, I think, a friend has invited me and PFB out for the day and I'm sure we'll have a lovely time. I get the impression from DH that IABU to think we should make a fuss over our only, long awaited child on their first birthday. Am I? Do I need a grip?

OP posts:

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mrsdavidbowie · 10/11/2014 16:07

Yes you do.
Baby will have no idea.

LadyLuck10 · 10/11/2014 16:10

I think it would be nice for him to be there but don't think it's for you to judge how important his work related courses are.

Leeds2 · 10/11/2014 16:12

Baby won't know, but I have to say I would be beyond cross if it wasn't an essential course.

It would also annoy me that he won't discuss how you are going to celebrate. Your little one won't remember, but it is obviously important to you so I think he should at least talk about it with you.

NickiFury · 10/11/2014 16:13

I don't really get this "the baby won't care" thing. Becoming a parent is a huge thing, celebrating birthdays feel like important milestones for some, the one year anniversary of a big event can mean a lot. I would be upset too OP and I would wonder if this was a taste of things to come, i.e putting himself first on important dates.

DuelingFanjo · 10/11/2014 16:14

I would be cross too, but can you plan a birthday for the nearest weekend?

M6J23a · 10/11/2014 16:14

I agree with NickiFury

I would be sad too OP.

Winterbells · 10/11/2014 16:15

Yanbu. Birthdays are important. Especially the first one. No, the baby will not remember but it's a chance to make a lovely memory and celebrate surviving the first year! My children love looking at the the photos and videos from their first few birthdays.

notfromstepford · 10/11/2014 16:17

I'd be upset too. I don't get the baby doesn't know either, it's important when you're looking back over their milestones and becoming 1 is one of those surely?

MyCrazyLife · 10/11/2014 16:17

I'd be gutted. He needs to be in the photos, surely?!

mymummademelistentoshitmusic · 10/11/2014 16:18

Do you mean that he is still coming back in the evening?

EverythingsRunningAway · 10/11/2014 16:19

I'm not a big birthday person and don't usually see the problem with shifting them around.

But this would have upset me.

The first birthday isn't about the baby, really. It's about the parents celebrating that they made it through the first year.

I wouldn't have gone away on an optional, easily postponeable course on my kid's first birthday.

MisForMumNotMaid · 10/11/2014 16:20

I think the first birthday isn't about the child, its about the celebration of becoming parents really. Its an anniversary of the world changing, particularly relevant for your first DC.

I don't think your DC ever needs to know, I don't think you're over reacting by being hurt that your DH didn't put it to you first that he'd like to attend the course but unfortunately it clashes (so you could come round to the idea without feeling dismissed by it).

I do think you're a bit unreasonable to expect him to be the one to come up with what to do plans if you've possibly been a little negative about him not being there on the actual day. Just outline a plan to him and if he isn't against it write it in the diary.

lollipoppi · 10/11/2014 16:22

He will be back in the evening though?
If he didn't have to be on the course would he still have to be in work?

Sommersprossen · 10/11/2014 16:23

I know baby won't remember but to say we never thought we'd be able to have children, I thought he'd be more excited about these mile stones than he is. Fair enough the course is booked now and nothing can be done about him being away for the actual birthday itself but I don't understand why he won't commit to any plans for the nearest weekend to the date. I offered to make a few sandwiches and invite a few close friends and family round. That was met with a 'we'll see' and when I wanted to order a birthday cake from a friend who bakes, I was told not to bother, PFB doesn't need anything too fancy, he'll pick one up from a supermarket the day before.

I don't want four tiered cakes, bouncy castles and children's entertainers but a bit of cake with our nearest and dearest surely isn't too much to ask? PFB won't remember but might ask what we did for their first birthday when they're older. It's important to me and I'm sad that it's not to him but I accept not everyone agrees with me.

OP posts:

MilkThistle187 · 10/11/2014 16:24

But he'll be there in the evening won't he? If he works outside the home, presumably he would usually be at work and you would celebrate in the evening. I can see why you'd be a bit sad, but it's not the end of the world.

Our PFB had 2 birthday parties for his first birthday, poor 3rd child barely had a cake with a candle. She didn't mind!

Sommersprossen · 10/11/2014 16:27

Sorry crossed post - he'll be back on the day but not until way after bedtime. Had he not been on the course, he would have taken a day off. This was the tentative plan before the course came up. I don't expect him to plan or organise anything by himself but everything I've suggested has been pushed aside. I haven't been funny with him about it at all.

OP posts:

lollipoppi · 10/11/2014 16:31

DP missed DDs first birthday due to work, sometimes it just can't be helped
Instead of asking him what and when to arrange something else, just go ahead and plan it and let him know the plans
On her birthday take up your friends offer of going out for the day, you will have a lovely time

NickiFury · 10/11/2014 16:31

Is there any reason why you can't go ahead and order cake, invite people etc anyway? Why does he get to be the one to decide? Honestly I would just go ahead and do what I wanted to do seeing as he isn't even going to be there.

MisForMumNotMaid · 10/11/2014 16:31

Can you not just say i don't want a supermarket cake its only a little more for a nice one from x,y,z and people make plans so we need to firm up,on inviting nearest and dearest over for a party tea/ event by ....date or it'll be too late.

Does he always have the final say?

MilkThistle187 · 10/11/2014 16:32

Can you have your own celebration on the day with your parents or a couple of friends? I wouldn't take it too personally, IME men just don't look at these occasions the way we do. I'm always very sentimental on my dc's birthdays, remembering the times they were born, etc.. DH doesn't remember that kind of thing!

Get yourself the cake that you want and have a tea party, I'm sure your DH won't feel left out

EverythingsRunningAway · 10/11/2014 16:34

when I wanted to order a birthday cake from a friend who bakes, I was told not to bother, PFB doesn't need anything too fancy, he'll pick one up from a supermarket the day before.

Miserable sod!

wigglylines · 10/11/2014 16:36

The problem isn't really that he won't be there on the actual day is it? It's his attitude in general towards the birthday. If he was saying "I'm sorry I won't be there, but let's celebrate in style at the weekend" it would be OK wouldn't it?

I think you need to be straight with him, and say "I know the baby won't have a clue what's going on, but the first birthday it's important to me. I see it as about us celebrating the first year of our child's life, and that it's a year since we became parents. And I know family and friends would like to celebrate it too. So, I'm going to invite them round the weekend after, unless you have any objections?"

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/11/2014 16:36

I would go ahead and celebrate without him, if he chooses to be offended that is his fault for being away.

Sounds very odd though, almost like he's wanting to avoid the whole isse. Why?

wigglylines · 10/11/2014 16:37

And order the cake! Sounds great :)

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 10/11/2014 16:37

wiggly I wouldn't even bother with 'unless you have any objections?'. He wasn't worried about his wife's objections when he booked the course!

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