I don't know what I'm after really - maybe just some reassurance that how I'm feeling is normal.
DS is 7m/o and sometimes I look back on the first few days of his life and I hate myself because I feel like I let him down.
I go over it a lot in my mind and it usually brings me to tears. I was thinking about it earlier when I was taking DS for a walk and I just welled up.
He came via ELCS and I didn't hold him when he was delivered. He was given straight to DH (put down his top) and I feel so disappointed in myself for not asking to hold him. I didn't hold him for 45 minutes until I got into recovery and even then I was very detached from it all, I just remember feeling hungry and asking for some toast.
I didn't feel that "rush of love" for him that most mothers talk of. I did feel happy though, I remember being wheeled back to the ward with DS in my arms and I remember feeling like my little baby was here safely. I have got a photo of myself holding DS as soon as we get back to the ward, I'm smiling and look genuinely happy so I must have felt it, but my actual memories surrounding the days around his birth just make me feel sad.
BF didn't go well at that start and I look back and wish I had tried harder for him. He lost a lot of weight and had jaundice and I feel like it's my fault.
I remember my first night on the ward and I was still pretty numb and DS was being sick in his crib (mucousy) and he couldn't roll and I couldn't get to him and I felt petrified for him. I shouted for help and another mother came and turned him on his side for me. In those few seconds of me feeling helpless I was so fearful he was going to choke and die so I know I felt love towards him and I was protective of him but I just can't shake the feeling that I didn't love him properly enough.
I'm never going to get those days back, they should have been the most amazing days of my life and I hate myself because I don't feel that way. Surely I should? It upsets me that the one chance I got to enjoy and embrace the arrival of DS (and love him with my whole heart) I wasted it, I feel like I let him down by not feeling like the days surrounding his arrival were the happiest days of my life. There were external factors which led to me feeling down for a few days after his birth, but surely his birth should have been enough to make any other bad stuff seem insignificant?
I am rambling.
How do I just let the guilt go?
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AIBU?
To still beat myself up about when DS was born?
163 replies
Writerwannabe83 · 10/11/2014 14:30
OP posts:
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