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Single mum, baby's first Christmas, AIBU.

(23 Posts)
Jolleigh Mon 10-Nov-14 11:35:10

Morning all, just want to bounce this off the masses before the conversation is had to see if IABU and how big a bitch this would make me.

Bit of background...back in May, I left my ex, 6 week old daughter in tow when his behaviour crossed the line from being EA towards me and became dangerous for DD. We'd been through bad patches before but when I became pregnant (planned) he started treating me disgustingly, reducing me to tears every other day, trying to bully me into continuing smoking and drinking, going out every weekend and spending all our spare cash, cheating, falling out with me before each scan, saying he only agreed to try for a baby because he'd assumed he couldn't have kids...and that's naming just a few examples. I tried my best to keep us together hoping he was having a wobble because of how drastically his life was about to change. The morning I left him, I'd come downstairs because DD was screaming. He had hold of her, pissed out of his face and right in front of my eyes almost toppled into the kitchen cabinets with her. I took her off him. I then found out she was screaming with was his first night looking after her alone and he'd gotten so drunk it didn't occur to him to feed her. I was then informed that he had a 'surprise' on its way...his ex was on her way over with a lot of cocaine and we were going to have a threesome while looking after DD somehow between us.

Fast forward 6 months ish. He does see DD, supervised, twice a week. He cancels a lot 'because of work' but it always seems to be on a day he doesn't work. His job hasn't changed. He hasn't so much as turned up with a toy for DD since we left. He doesn't make the most of his visits and often sits playing on his phone or goes off for a smoke or leaves early. He goes out of his way to make things difficult regularly. I honestly think he doesn't actually care about DD and that he'll lose interest when he gets bored of the game he's playing. He also has never been interested in anything to do with Christmas, hates it and ignores it every year. This year's supervised visit would fall on Christmas eve.

I have plans for Christmas eve evening right through to after boxing day. I don't want to see him Christmas day. But I suspect he'll try to push for Christmas day and pretend to be sentimental that it's DD's first Christmas when really he just wants to be as awkward as he can make himself. I'm also fairly certain he's under the impression that because he's paying maintenance, I should pretend gifts I buy for DD are from both of us. Not that she knows the difference, so he can suit himself while she's too young to care.

WIBU to flat out refuse to see him on Christmas day? I don't think I'll ever trust him enough for unsupervised contact so unless he cares enough to take me through the courts and I'm ordered to give it to him (unlikely with the evidence I have collected) then I'd keep this stance every year. He can see her Christmas eve and he can't on Christmas day.

MrsPatrickDempsey Mon 10-Nov-14 11:39:34

Yanbu. I think you are being really strong and admire the self respect you have shown.

Only1scoop Mon 10-Nov-14 11:44:49 all.

Thank goodness you and your dd are away from that vile individual....

Do exactly as you wish over Christmas.... have a lovely time and don't give how he feels a second thought....

His supervised visit on Christmas Eve is his Christmas with dd.

VacantExpression Mon 10-Nov-14 11:46:24

^^ this. agree. YANBU.

Only1scoop Mon 10-Nov-14 11:47:21

And you are right never ever let him see her unsupervised ....what a frightening thought....

LadyLuck10 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:47:32

Yanbu at all. Xmas eve is just fine.
Well done on having the sense to leave him and choose better for yourself and your dd.

Siarie Mon 10-Nov-14 11:48:25

YANBU, poor you! Enjoy the christmas and think about things for next year instead.

sunshinemeg Mon 10-Nov-14 11:49:05

100% YANBU.

He doesn't have a leg to stand on, may kick up a fuss but tough. His loss. Enjoy Christmas Day with your DD. Don't let him ruin it

waithorse Mon 10-Nov-14 12:08:56

YANBU. I hope you enjoy your daughter's first Christmas.

HedgehogsDontBite Mon 10-Nov-14 12:09:16


One thing though, is there someone else you trust to supervise his contact time? I ask because my exh was the same and I used to wonder why he bothered turning up as he clearly wasn't interested in DD. He stopped coming once I had a third party supervise instead as contact with DD was only a guise to maintain contact with me. Just a thought.

whois Mon 10-Nov-14 12:10:45

OP I can't believe you even have to ask! You are absolutely not being U!!!

Keep strong.

TracyBarlow Mon 10-Nov-14 12:13:10

He sounds hideous. I think contact should always be arranged to be in the best interests of the child. In this case, clearly her best interests would be to spen a lovely Christmas Day with you.

Hope you have a great day.

SaucyJackOLantern Mon 10-Nov-14 12:15:35

If the good Lord had wanted you to spend Christmas Day with your ex, then He wouldn't have invented the "block caller" function on your phone.

Enjoy your first Christmas with your DD.

Jolleigh Mon 10-Nov-14 12:15:42

If the MN jury agree with me despite my motives being completely selfish, I'm happy!

To the posters who asked about third party supervision (sorry, I'm on the app)...nobody in my family or friendship circle would be able to hold their tongue but I've been debating a contact centre for a few weeks now...both for the time off I'd get and so that my contact with him is extremely limited. I'd have to give up a bit of control, but I think I could deal with that. I don't know how I'd go about it though...

MissPenelopeLumawoo2 Mon 10-Nov-14 12:27:03

I was then informed that he had a 'surprise' on its way...his ex was on her way over with a lot of cocaine and we were going to have a threesome while looking after DD somehow between us. Bloody hell! Just remember that whenever you are feeling even a little bit like cooperating with this idiot!

I think you should go the contact centre route. Then there is an independent third party observing his lack of interaction with his DD. This may come in handy later if he tries to push you for more contact through the courts.

FayKorgasm Mon 10-Nov-14 12:52:03

YANBU,hope you enjoy your dds first Christmas.

I reckon that when the contact moves to a contact centre he won't bother turning up.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 10-Nov-14 12:53:18

Definately find a contact centre, I wouldnt want to be in the same room as this man, he'll soon get bored and bugger off.

Heels99 Mon 10-Nov-14 12:58:27

Get a contact centre. Definitely.
Have a lovely christmas, if anyone deserves one it is you.

cheminotte Mon 10-Nov-14 13:03:30

Yanbu at all. Well done for getting yourself and your DD away from this man.

BarbarianMum Mon 10-Nov-14 13:26:43


Usually I'm all in favour of separated parents co-operating for the benefit of their children but I can't see him doing any co-operating, and it'll just end up with you doing Christmas around him.

EEVEElution Mon 10-Nov-14 13:30:55

YANBU! And good for you for getting her away from that bastard.

Oldraver Mon 10-Nov-14 13:32:45

I would be cancelling Christmas sounds like his visits are of no benefit to your DD

3littlebadgers Mon 10-Nov-14 13:33:34

YANBU he can have his christmas with her on Christmas Eve. If she grows up only knowing it this way it will be no less exciting for her seeing her father a day early, it will just become the norm for her. Hope you have a lovely christmas with her yourself

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