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Facilitating phone calls between ex and dc

(80 Posts)
pantone363 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:18:41

Ex usually phones once a day to speak to the DC. It can be anytime between dinner and bed, sometimes after, sometimes no phone call for days. To be fair the majority of the time he does call and its usually between 6-8pm.

He will usually call my phone, I answer (but don't generally speak to him just call the nearest DC to say goodnight and they pass the phone to siblings when done)

We've had another mammoth falling out this weekend (I won't go into details other than to say it has nothing to do with the phone calls).

However he has text to say he will no longer be calling my phone to speak to the DC as he wants no contact with me. From now on he will be calling DD's phone. He wants me to ensure it is charged and available to them when he rings (from past experience anything less will result in accusations of keeping the DC from him).

Last night DD was doing homework and DS and other DD were playing lego when he rang. I called to DD 'you need to answer your phone daddy is calling'

DD: yeah in a minute (she was doing homework)

Me: no you need to get it now or you'll miss the call.

I also called through to the other DC and they said yeah wait there/no i'm playing.

Not one of them made a move to pick it up or to ring back afterwards despite me reminding them that they had missed his call.

Ex then text saying its not ok for me to use the kids against him and i must ensure they speak with him on the phone when he calls.

AIBU to tell him to fuck off and if they don't want to answer then he can take it up with them? Or since I answered my own phone when he rang do I just answer DD's and make them come to the phone?

I feel so caught up in all this petty crap i can't see what is bloody normal anymore.

Myearhurts Mon 10-Nov-14 11:23:11

I think your Ex is being unreasonable. He can't really expect you to ensure the kids speak to him if he won't allow you to pick up the phone!

However I think it will be easier for all of you in the long run if you just appease him. I'd have a word with your DC and tell them you expect them to answer the phone when their Dad calls.

SpuffySummers Mon 10-Nov-14 11:27:30

Appease him? shock Really?!

If the kids don't want to talk to him at the time he rings theres naff all you can do about it. You told them to pick up they didn't, they also didn't ring him back after you prompted them.

I think that speaks volumes.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 10-Nov-14 11:29:04

Yanbu at all, he said he will call their phone, he did and they didn't answer or want to call back, not your responsibility. I would point that out to him, their phone their responsbility. If he wants, he can phone the landline and you will pass the phone to them. He is being a knob.

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Nov-14 11:29:53

Why does he ring them every day? How often does he see them?

Aeroflotgirl Mon 10-Nov-14 11:29:55

Exactly spuffy, they sound old enough to make their own decisions. As they do not care, that does speak volumes.

Minisoksmakehardwork Mon 10-Nov-14 11:30:27

Honestly, how old are they and do they actually want to talk to their dad?

If they can't be bothered to answer their own phone, to me that says they aren't actually fussed whether they speak to him or not. However, I would have at least expected your dd to call or text back to say the time wasn't convenient as she was doing her homework.

Alternatively, you pick up the phone, connect the call and allow your ex to hear the dc's response when told their dad is on the phone - without you having to speak to him but he can still hear you're trying to maintain contact.

ByTheWishingWell Mon 10-Nov-14 11:31:52

YANBU. He chose to cut you out on their contact by deciding to phone DD directly. Fair enough, that's up to him. You can't be blamed if they don't want to speak to him though! How old are the DCs?

GoldfishCrackers Mon 10-Nov-14 11:32:44

Don't appease him. He's being dickish just because he enjoys controlling you. Don't give him the reward of playing his game.
He's the one who decided to call the DC directly. If they want to talk to him they can answer or call him. How old are they?

MillionToOneChances Mon 10-Nov-14 11:34:59

If he wants you to answer the phone and place it in their hands he can go back to phoning your phone. If he phones your DD's phone it's between him and then and you've done as much as you can.

MillionToOneChances Mon 10-Nov-14 11:35:18

Between him and *them

NormaStits Mon 10-Nov-14 11:36:54

I'd text and say that you can usually guarantee that you'll answer your own phone as previously but you can't guarantee they will answer theirs. Say you're teaching them that phones are personal items and we don't answer each others, hence you won't answer theirs. So if they don't answer, he should phone you and you will pick up. Then screenshot the conversation and keep it, so you have proof that you're not being difficult.

pantone363 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:39:12

DD is 9 (it's her phone), DS is 7, DD is 4. I should mention the younger two have iphones provided by him for purposes of contact. DS and DD4 have lost/misplaced/not charged them for so long he doesn't bother calling their phones. This is also my fault and I should ensure they are charged. DDs iPhone is my old one on a PAYG sim.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 10-Nov-14 11:41:30

Just ignore your ex, he wanted no contact, that's what your sticking too.

LadyLuck10 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:42:06

Jean why should he not speak to his children every dayhmm

Yanbu, he arranged to call on dds phone so now that's between him and her. She needs to explain to him why she didn't pick up.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Mon 10-Nov-14 11:42:48

Why do a 7 and 4 year old need Iphones, a cheap phone would be enough. He sounds like an idiot.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 10-Nov-14 11:43:36

Good idea Norma, tell the knob that if he wants to speak to them to call the landline, as their phones are their personal items and you cannot gurantee that they will answer them. He sounds extremely controlling, dc do not sound like they care about him tbh.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 10-Nov-14 11:44:24

He needs to give his dc a talk about picking up their phone, not you!

BlueberryWafer Mon 10-Nov-14 11:46:36

If he's not willing to call your phone then at the end of the day it's really not your problem if they don't answer the phone.

He is supposed to be an adult, yet he can't call your phone and say "can I speak to dd" - a few words to someone he made children with. It's not exactly setting a good example to the children is it by behaving in such an immature manner! (Him not you!)

pantone363 Mon 10-Nov-14 11:47:27

For fairness purposes I have to say they do care, but they see him twice a week and just aren't bothered about speaking everyday. They will ask to call him if they want to tell him something special.

partialderivative Mon 10-Nov-14 11:49:58

I would not be happy if I had asked my children to answer the phone and they had simply ignored me. Regardless of who was on the other end of it.

I think you need to make sure they obey your instructions on a matter such as this, it is disrespectful not to.

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Mon 10-Nov-14 11:50:17

Tell him that he must confer with them. If they don't pick up then it has nothing to do with you. He can text to ask them when they're ready to talk.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 10-Nov-14 11:50:51

Exactly blueberry, he's being very immature and childish. It is not your problem, you have tried your best. Tell him that if he wants to talk to dc and ensure that they speak to him, to phone the landline, and you will pass the phone on,and leave it at that!

JeanSeberg Mon 10-Nov-14 11:50:57

Jean why should he not speak to his children every day

Because it sounds like it's something purely for his benefit (or control) rather than something that's for them. They see him regularly, presumably are happy with their other parent between visits so, with the exception of special events or news that needs to be shared, a daily call sees OTT and clearly isn't working for the kids.

Can't imagine what they would discuss on a daily basis anyway.

Aeroflotgirl Mon 10-Nov-14 11:51:24

message him, and save it for reference that you are not preventing them talking to him.

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