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AIBU?

to want a joint account after fronting all 15k deposit for our family home?

160 replies

Jemima1988 · 09/11/2014 22:26

I hadn't been with my new partner very long before we fell pregnant. Our son is now 5 weeks old and we are a happy little family. I have been saving alone for a while and due to certain circumstances I have 15k to put down as a deposit for our first family home, my partner has no savings at all.
I mentioned that we should get a joint bank account that both out wages should go into so we can pay for everything out if that. I am a firm believer in what's mine is yours I never ever refer to the 15k as being mine is OUR money for OUR house. due to me being on maternity, our plans for my return to work and my partners up and coming promotion he is on a lot more money than me. I think this is putting him off the joint account?!? also he talks about splitting bills 50/50 this would leave me with less than 1/4 of my wages and leave him over half of his. A IBM to ask for a family account when I am investing so much up front or is his way the only fair way? Xx

OP posts:

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ArsenicSoup · 09/11/2014 22:27

YANBU

kiki0202 · 09/11/2014 22:31

50/50 my arse no way would I be left with less money than DP everything goes in the joint acc then we both get spending money. He's taking the piss don't stand for it.

Purplepoodle · 09/11/2014 22:32

Who's paying the mortgage? Will it be a joint mortgage? Since your not married before you buy I would be getting a legal document drawn up stating that you will receive 15k back should you split and sell the house.

A joint account is a good idea but I think I would have wages paid into my own account then transfer a set amount each month into the joint account. You should both have the same spending money so I would say he needs to pay in more. Now the time to sit down and be brutally honest before you commit to a house.

WalkingInMemphis · 09/11/2014 22:35

It depends on his attitude to the 15K I suppose. If he's all for it, wants you to put the deposit down so you can use it now - it seems unfair of him to not share also.

However, if it's you that wants to use your £15k, he's happy to go along with it but would just as happily stay put - he's not being unfair IMO. Even though you have a child together, sharing money 50/50 is a big thing for some people. Obviously he should support your dc and contribute more when you're on maternity leave etc - but other than that it has to be a joint decision if you split all your finances.

Personally i'm of the same opinion as you - all of dh's and my money is shared 100%. To the extent we use each others debit cards freely (without asking) depending on what date of the month it is, and which of us has money as we have different pay days. It doesn't seem very family-like to keep all your money separate. We share our lives, our bed, our dc, our holidays, everything - why wouldn't we pool and share our money?

Sparkky · 09/11/2014 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

theposterformallyknownas · 09/11/2014 22:37

No way would I have this and I don't even work.
If you are a family then all money is family money, irrespective of where it comes from.
Have your own account with wages in and transfer some to a joint account.
Work out what percentage each is going to pay.
If he earns a lot more than you then he should pay for most and your money for luxuries maybe.

AuntieStella · 09/11/2014 22:37

Is the house in joint names? Have you both made wills?

bloodyteenagers · 09/11/2014 22:38

I would hold off buying a house. The money would be chucked into an isa and the remainder into savings. For at least a year.

There shouldn't be any talk about 50/50 or whatever. It's all going into a joint account and money for bills etc coming directly from that, an agreed amount that is the same for both of you to go on spending and savings.

And then and only then that he proves himself you buy a house that protects your interests. He don't like that either well he can deal with it.

scallopsrgreat · 09/11/2014 22:41

What Sparkky said.

YANBU and you need something a lot fairer than that. What are his reasons for proposing this financial arrangement?

KnackeredMuchly · 09/11/2014 22:42

Yanbu! I would be very unhappy

lornemalvo · 09/11/2014 22:44

I would hold off on buying a house if it were me. I agree that all money is family money. He does not hold this view. You may not be compatible. If you are going to share everything with him and he is going to hoard what is his you could end up disliking him. I would live with him for a while and see whether he does treat you as his family or whether he is always making sure you are not costing him anything.

Viviennemary · 09/11/2014 22:44

I don't think I'd be handing over £15,000 for a house in joint names if he was refusing to open a joint bank account. Doesn't sound as if he's ready to share. Splitting bills 50/50 when he earns a lot more than you. I'd be thinking is this really the person who I want to share my life with.

QuintsBombWithAWiew · 09/11/2014 22:44

You should both be left with the same amount for leisure/savings, when bills, rent, mortgage, food etc is paid.

Yes yes to legal documents regards to deposit.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2014 22:47

As you are not married you will be at a financial disadvantage if you do not do the following. And after all, it will only matter if you split.
A) ring fence your 15k deposit. If you don't, and you split you will not only lose this, but won't be entitled to anything more than the minimum child support. Even if you've given up work to be a SAHM
B) agree a fair split of the bills. You are both parents of this child, it would not be fair if only you are financially disadvantaged during your maternity leave.
C) also agree an fair and equal contribution to child care costs when you return to work.
D) agree that you get an equal amount of free time.

AnyFucker · 09/11/2014 22:48

what ??

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2014 22:48

If he baulks at any of the above then you know that you are on your own. Even if you're living together.

magoria · 09/11/2014 22:51

Don't buy a house without sorting out legally that your deposit is protected and a total detailed conversation about everything.

Who takes time of if DC is sick? If this is you then unfairly it could limit your earning potential. Or will it be both of you?

What is the definition of bills? Is this just food, utilities etc? Or food, clothing, mobiles, car tax/insurance/mot, petrol, lunches, holidays, DC stuff?

What happens if you split. Who moves out? Can you afford the house on your own? Would you have to move out? What happens to stuff purchased?

Why if he earns so much more than you does he have zero savings? What is his attitude to spending?

WooWooOwl · 09/11/2014 22:53

If you will make sure your 15k in the house is protected, then I think it would be fair for him to be able to save that much in a personal account so that he has some security too.

It's really hard to say what's right or wrong for your relationship, this isn't a situation that you planned so like me and my ex, you never talked about having children and how you wanted your lives to look before you became parents.

You can't insist that your way is the way it has to be. You shouldn't have to pay as much as half of the bills, but as far as possible you should be paying towards them. Could you compromise on having a joint account that you both have a standing order into for bills? There's no real need for you to have your wages paid into a joint account.

Notmeagain1 · 09/11/2014 22:56

Wait to buy the house. Be smart in regards to your savings. You need to think about your little one first now. If he is not agreeing to joint accounts and expenses, the writing may be on the wall. Take care. X

PedantMarina · 09/11/2014 22:56

Am I really the first to be focussing on the fact that he earns way more than you, but you're the only one with savings?!?

And what others have said: protect yourself and your money.

Jemima1988 · 09/11/2014 22:58

atm we ate living with my mum so we really don't have the time to wait which is why we are using my savings. I honestly just don't think he has thought it through to realise I would be a lot worse off. I was just making sure that when I have this discussion with him I was not being unreasonable to ask 1 for a joint account or 2 he pays more towards the bills so that I'm not left with next to nothing.

OP posts:

PedantMarina · 09/11/2014 22:58

Oooh, XP with magoria.

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Jemima1988 · 09/11/2014 22:59

The reason I have savings is I was meant to be going travelling with an ex and my dad has recently just passed away so u can't really hold that against him

OP posts:

LineRunner · 09/11/2014 23:01

I would still tell him to piss off.

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/11/2014 23:04

No, we can't hold that against him. But I'm also sure he wouldn't want to take advantage of it if he cares for you. This is security for your wee baby, a roof over his head.
Seeing it as family money only works of both of you see it the same way. If you don't, you're house mates that sleep together.

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