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To be offended by the lack of support for my hobby from DH?

(360 Posts)
brandis Sun 09-Nov-14 21:28:57

I am in my 30s and a few years ago took up dancing. We don't get paid but we shoot videos and stage shows in professional theatres with people paying to come and watch us dance. Not to mention that it is incredibly rewarding as dancing has been my long-time ambition and I worked hard to get into that dance group as it's selective. We all are about the same age there.

The problem is my DH doesn't take my hobby seriously at all. He is not happy when we have weekend rehearsals as it means that he has to ferry two DC to different activities. He never asks how I am doing in my classes and never takes pictures when he comes to my shows. When I come out into the foye after the show his words are "Can we go home yet"? It is painful to see my fellow dancers being hugged by their DPs with "You looked so amazing" and "What a great show!"

I guess DH just doesn't believe it's anything special and cannot fake excitement for me when he doesn't feel it. Am I really expecting too much? He makes a bigger deal out of our DD's dancing achievements.

AlpacaMyBags Sun 09-Nov-14 21:40:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrashDiveOnMingoCity Sun 09-Nov-14 21:41:56

YANBU but does he get a similar amount of time to do his hobbies?

brandis Sun 09-Nov-14 21:46:06

He doesn't have any hobbies, literally. I wish he did! He does travel frequently for work (paid and unpaid, a week at a time) and I deal with the school runs etc. on my own while working full-time too.

simontowers2 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:48:32

At least he is honest. It sounds a bit tedious tbf OP.

notagainffffffffs Sun 09-Nov-14 21:48:49

Hmmm its a tough one. I think you need to be making sure he gets equal relaxing/leisure time tbh. It wouldn't kill him to be more enthusiastic bit its tough if you feel like second fiddle!

Tanfastic Sun 09-Nov-14 21:49:18

Sounds like a bit of resentment to me.

brandis Sun 09-Nov-14 21:49:25

My classes are 1-2 times a week in the evening after bedtime. Plus a few hours on Sundays in the run up to the shows which are once or twice a year only.

skylark2 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:50:11

It's mean for him to say "can we go home yet?"

However, unless you're a really, really good amateur dance group, it's possible you have rose coloured glasses on about how much fun it is for other people to watch you. As an amateur ice dancer, I knew I didn't look good to watch. I did it for me, not for spectators.

He's being "dad's taxi" so you can do something you enjoy - that's the support. I don't think you can also require that he enjoys watching you do it. DH was happy that I enjoyed skating, but he didn't pretend that I looked amazing doing it. I wouldn't have expected him to and found it a bit embarrassing when other people made comments along those lines - it left me wondering if they had never seen any good skaters.

brandis Sun 09-Nov-14 21:50:43

Simon, what sounds tedious?

dogscatsandbabies Sun 09-Nov-14 21:50:43

Perhaps he just really misses the time with you that he can't have because of the dancing. Not saying he shouldn't support you but travelling for work is probably compulsory whereas this isn't and he may well feel that family time should be more important.

I HATE weekends when DP has an away match and I have the kids for hours on my own. It just isn't what I want a weekend to be.

theposterformallyknownas Sun 09-Nov-14 21:50:43

YANBU

But I also ask do you support his hobby.
Dancing can take up quite a lot of time and can cost a fair bit too.
It's lovely that you can still do it and age doesn't matter etc it must be lovely to live your dream.
However, your dh might see your hobby as taking valuable time away from family or time with him.

I also think that you need to stop looking for people/dh to support your hobby, you should do it for you, not others.

Saying that, I do think that he should make more effort during your show, take pics even if they are for you and he isn't interested.
Maybe your friends partners are the type to say the flowery stuff and not mean it, at least your dh doesn't pretend he likes you dancing.

Have you asked him if he has a problem?

FelixTitling Sun 09-Nov-14 21:51:52

How much time does your hobby take up?

If he is working away a lot, then you are busy a lot of the time he is home, what is left for quality family time?

Would he prefer you all spent time together?

simontowers2 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:53:29

@brandis - this older person dancing around malarky

CrashDiveOnMingoCity Sun 09-Nov-14 21:53:39

How often do you have weekend rehearsals?

WooWooOwl Sun 09-Nov-14 21:56:53

Is this representative of your relationship in general, or it it just the lack of enthusiasm in your hobby that's the problem?

If it's just the hobby, try not to take it personally. He can be completely disinterested in your hobby at the same time as loving you very much.

brandis Sun 09-Nov-14 21:58:24

I guess we are an amateur dance company but as I said we stage shows in professional theatres and sold out every time.

It matters to me. And when he did have a hobby of playing basketball with his mates I would never forget to show interest and congratulate him on a win as it clearly mattered to him.

My classes are normally 2-3 hours per week in the term time when children are going to bed anyway so I'd say I am hardly stealing much family time.

Roseformeplease Sun 09-Nov-14 22:01:37

My DH has no interest whatsoever in my chosen interest. He stays home, cooks dinner and is pleased I have enjoyed myself. I would not expect him to watch, or be keen, and it is a watchable thing, like dancing. But then I never watch him faffing around on his boat, or gardening.

Give him a break. Tell him not to watch and that you will see him at home.

Snapespotions Sun 09-Nov-14 22:03:20

Well, he can't help how he feels, but he could make a bit more of an effort. The fact that he doesn't seems to suggest that he resents you doing it for some reason. Have you asked him about his lack of enthusiasm?

WorraLiberty Sun 09-Nov-14 22:03:58

My ex DH did Juditsu and used to put on displays etc.

I found it mind numbingly boring. When he wasn't training, he was practising at home - randomly punching and kicking thin air. When he wasn't doing that, he was talking about martial arts in general...a lot.

After seeing one or two displays, I could have quite willingly given the others a miss but I used to attend to show my support.

A 'well done' wouldn't have gone amiss so YANBU about that.

But I wouldn't give a second thought to him asking if you can all go home afterwards. At that point he's probably had more than enough.

brandis Sun 09-Nov-14 22:04:07

Simon, we are dancing well enough for people to pay 20 quid for a ticket and we are sold out every time in professional theatres as our shows are quite unusual in style.

Snapespotions Sun 09-Nov-14 22:06:06

What kind of dancing is it, OP?

CrashDiveOnMingoCity Sun 09-Nov-14 22:06:13

I don't think YABU but I don't think he is either. I do think that you have to accept that he's just not that into it as you are though.

Snapespotions Sun 09-Nov-14 22:06:36

Did you used to go and watch his basketball games?

Snapespotions Sun 09-Nov-14 22:07:03

And why did he give up?

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