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about these 'gifts' from mil

(32 Posts)
justfoundout2014 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:26:27

Two separate but unrelated items.

I am separated from H following his 2-3 yr long affair. He was sahp, I am the bread-winner - he always stated he wanted nothing from me, and has so far been true to this and still does most of childcare, though he has started work as well.

Shortly after the split, mil offered to lend me the money to have some jobs done on the house. At the time, I was panicking a bit about money and being responsible for this fairly big house on my own, so I agreed. The work has been done (odds and sods really) and has cost £1100. She has said (I only know through h) that she wants it to be repaid if the house is sold, and if she is dead by then, the amount is to be split between h and his sister. However, she has put nothing in writing, so not sure it holds weight.

There is a large loft room (effectively 2 rooms, accessed by normal staircase) that I don't use as don't need the space, except for storage, which it is certainly being used for! It needs replastering and has bare floorboards. There is a bed up there and it is used for guests, though it's not a particularly nice environment atm, tbf. I have guests up there about 10 times a year, for one or two nights at a time, so sorting it is not a priority. If people don't want to go up there, my dc are happy to and guests can use their rooms!

When we split, mil kept making comments about how she would need to come up more, which I largely ignored. A few weeks ago she offered to buy me a rug to go in this room and has this weekend taken me to IKEA to buy one. When she left, I started thinking that, in fact, my room has horrible cheap laminate and no rug, and I would move the rug down to there as that room is used every day by me, and the attic seldom used. The rug is far more expensive than I could afford right now. I thought I could move it back up whenever she visits (not often, if I have my way) but it turned out to be one of those things that is way more difficult to do than you think. I had to move most of my (heavy) furniture to fit it in and enlist the help of my 5 & 7 yr olds, who heard a lot of swearing. It looks fantastic now. I am not moving it again. WIBU to buy a much cheaper rug to put up there, and be quite breezy in the way I mention it if and when she comes again? For some reason, it almost feels like stealing because I feel like she is trying to create a sense that the attic is 'her' room hmm.

I am also upset that, while at IKEA buying the rug, she treated H to some new kitchen stuff for his new flat. I probably am being UR about that, but just don't get why she wants to bankroll him destroying his family and make things easy for him when he has been such a total shit. I get that she wouldn't see him destitute, but he has got a job now, so why can't he save up for stuff? No wonder he can't take responsibility for anythingangry .

Sorry for the rant - AIBU about either of these issues?

Sparkletastic Sun 09-Nov-14 21:28:56

Why are you accepting money and expensive household gifts from her?

SaucyJackOLantern Sun 09-Nov-14 21:29:03

YANBU on the first. It's your house/ put the rug wherever you like.

YABU on the second. It's simply not your place to judge her spending money on her own son- even if he is a cheating scumbag.

Mrsgrumble Sun 09-Nov-14 21:31:57

This is tricky. For the sake of a few pound, she has a hold on you now. I would be lined to keep the rug but start makin range men's to pay e money she owes you back. Even a fiver a week.

starfishmummy Sun 09-Nov-14 21:32:59

Yes YABU. Not about the rug, do.whatever you want with that. But why shouldn't she buy her own son a present? Is she supposed to disown him just because he is separated from you?

RaisingMen Sun 09-Nov-14 21:33:05

Really? You are annoyed with his mother for buying stuff for her son because he works and in your opinion he should save up for things, but you're happy to keep accepting her money and letting her buy things for your home?

gamerchick Sun 09-Nov-14 21:33:16

Save up and pay her back the money she has loaned you. Atm she believes you are beholden to her.

Favouritepants Sun 09-Nov-14 21:35:04

I'm wondering the same as Sparkletastic. I wouldn't be happy accepting these gifts given the circs as you want to keep the relationship straightforward and above board.

FelixTitling Sun 09-Nov-14 21:35:29

She lent you the money, so pay it back ASAP.

Put the rug wherever you want to, it was a gift.

Just say no thanks to any more 'gifts'. It's not worth the headspace.

She can buy her son whatever she wants, but you don't need to know about it. Stop going shopping with her.

Sarkymare Sun 09-Nov-14 21:35:29

I think its a but hypocritical to be upset about a woman buying her own son some household stuff. Especially as she has loaned you over £1000 and has just bought you an expensive rug.

MsVestibule Sun 09-Nov-14 21:38:29

Sorry, because I know you are in a crap situation, but yes, YABU in all situations.

Regarding the £1100 she 'gave' you. Unless I've misread it, she has made no mention of this to you. You don't even have a verbal agreement with her, so just put it out of your kind. When you do sell the house, it might be a nice gesture to offer her the money, but that would be up to you.

As for the rug - yes, YABVU! She made it fairly clear that it was a gift with strings, i.e. 'I will buy you a rug to go in the spare room' and yet you have decided to put it in your own bedroom? I realise it's not on a par with the situation in Syria, but still pretty rude.

So she bought her son a few bits for his new home. Would you completely cut your DCs off if they behave badly in the future? She was a bit insensitive by buying them in front if you, but not for actually buying them.

You sound as though you don't like her very much, so why are you allowing her to help you out in this way?

amyhamster Sun 09-Nov-14 21:42:44

I'd distance yourself from her tbh

He'll always be her son

She can see the kids when they're with him surely ?

Enjorasdream Sun 09-Nov-14 21:44:50

You may have every reason to hate him, but you can't expect her to excommunicate him for what he has done.
Why did you go to Ikea with her?
Do you not think it was a bit hypocritical to accept the rug, sheeting how much you appear to dislike her?

honeysucklejasmine Sun 09-Nov-14 21:48:04

I can't help feeling you are being a little U. If you don't want a relationship with her, and it sounds like you don't, don't take her money (and be pleased you prob won't need to pay it back) or accept her gifts. confused

Her DS is always going to very her DS, whether he is with you or not the situation sucks but i wouldn't expect her to disown him.

justfoundout2014 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:51:52

Thank you for the replies - I sort of knew IWBabitU.

I know I should never really have accepted any money from her, but I suppose my thinking was, 'her son is a bastard who has ruined my life - yes, she can bloody well do her bit to make things a tiny bit easier on me!' I know that's not right, not least because I think she does think she's buying some kind of right to come here as often as she pleases, stay in the house as usual etc, but that was my thinking.

Thing is, it's like she wants me to maintain everything here as normal, (and has paid a little to make this easier), her to be able to come and stay when she wants, but at the same time, is keen to make it easy as possible for H to walk away from it all, while I hold it together. There's some kind of hypocrisy there, isn't there? It isn't just me?

justfoundout2014 Sun 09-Nov-14 21:53:21

And sorry, opening line should say related

honeysucklejasmine Sun 09-Nov-14 21:54:55

I do get what you're saying OP. Its going to be a bit of a political minefield for a while.

But remember, it is your house and you have the ultimate say in who darkens your door, as it were. No matter if it were mother theresa herself, its still up to you. flowers

FelixTitling Sun 09-Nov-14 21:58:10

You have to decide how you want your relationship to work with her and be firm about the boundaries you need.

You also have to decide how you best you can facilitate your dc's relationship with her while maintaining those boundaries.

I'm not separated from my dh, but my inlaws have serious ishoos so I am very clear (with myself) about what I will and will not do with them.

InfinitySeven Sun 09-Nov-14 22:00:42

She might hugely disapprove of what your husband did - and it sounds like she does - but she's not going to want him to suffer any more. He's lost his family and his home, and he's trying to rebuild. Of course she'll help him with that, she's his mum. I'm sure if one of your kids do wrong, you step in to help?

It's the same for adult kids. She has probably given him her opinion, but now she backs off and let's him live his own life. If that includes buying him kitchen stuff, so be it. And it's from ikea... It's not like she's bought him a chef, or some Harrods gold encrusted plates.

You do need to separate them from each other in your head. It sounds like your mil is trying to be fair to you both. You can accept that, or you can cut contact, but you can't expect her to ditch her son for you regardless of the circumstances.

Mrsgrumble Sun 09-Nov-14 22:05:10

Honestly just you are setting yourself up for bigger problems in the long run by letting her have this bit of control, albeit as nice a it is to have a new rug. Is it worth it? No

Get your independence back from her. Your dh was a shit but you have a better future ahead without him .

lordStrange Sun 09-Nov-14 22:13:21

Your Mil should only come to stay if that's what you want. 'Normal' doesn't apply anymore because the status quo has changed completely.

She can surely make arrangements with her son to stay and see the children.

With regards the rug, if you are likely to invite her to stay I would put it in the attic room - 'her' room - if that's the deal with the blasted rug.

With regards to the money, `i would wait until you feel more stable financially, and begin to pay her back.

Someone mentioned 'headspace'.

Please don't waste your precious recovery from a horrible situation worrying about Mil, what you owe her, what she spends on her silly son.

Try not to be bitter here. Focus on YOU. Life will inevitably bring you wonderful things in the future, it will really.

Smukogrig Sun 09-Nov-14 22:16:18

Definitely detach from her and from the whole situation. Did you all go to ikea together like a big family?

Smukogrig Sun 09-Nov-14 22:18:56

ps, as for the money, tell her to consult her son. she can see her gc on his time not yours!!

I had this problem from my xmil, she seemed to want to see the children through me, which would have been fine if she weren't so domineering and manipulative. I guess she found me easier to manipulate than she did her own son. Eventually I told her she had to see the gc when they were with her son. (ie, not often!!) so she was furious with me. confused

I am very very detached from them all now.

maddening Mon 10-Nov-14 19:44:09

I think Yabu to have any concern about what mil does for her own son - he hasn't cheated on her.

I think she has been lovely helping you out as she didn't have to.

I don't know whether Yabu or not over the rug -could it not move to a more communal area of the house?

SchroSawMargeryDaw Mon 10-Nov-14 19:56:10

Really? It wasn't his Mother who cheated on you, the bit you said about doing her bit to make it easier because of what he did, was just nasty.

YABmostlyU about the rug as it was obvious why she was buying it, if you weren't happy with that you could have refused.
YABU about her buying her Son stuff, it seems like she's bought more for you than him, and your comment about him having a job and saving for stuff, couldn't you do that?

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