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Wife still wearing wedding ring when dh abused their daughter?

(17 Posts)
wickedlazy Sun 09-Nov-14 20:37:10

This is something from years ago I never quite understood.

It came out when me and friend were about 14 that her father had sexually abused her. Her mother didn't know what had been happening.

The mum kicked out the dad. But she still wore her wedding and engagement rings, on the correct finger? The family moved quite far away when my friend and I were 18, and we lost contact. So that's at least four years after she found out she still wore them. The abuse was quite severe, and had been happening for years (from friend was about 5 I think). She also had a photo album, with various photo's of him, their wedding day, with their dc's. But she was still adding photos to this album after he left. She kept it in the utility drawer in her kitchen. If my friend wanted to show me a photo she had to flick past all the old pics, or try and judge where in the book new pics started.

AIBU to think this is quite strange? Especially still wearing the rings on correct finger? I thought it odd back than, and even odder now I'm and adult with my own child? Although I'm not married, just in a long term relationship, so maybe that's why I don't get it?

ClawHandsIfYouBelieveInFreaks Sun 09-Nov-14 20:41:29

She may have wanted to not "appear" single. I know someone who wears her old rings because she's not interested in another relationship and it's a good deterrent.

BramshawHill Sun 09-Nov-14 20:43:01

Maybe she had so much to deal with, and so much on her mind that either it slipped her mind to remove them, or the normalcy gave her some comfort?

NotAtHome Sun 09-Nov-14 20:43:48

Wearing those rings makes other people feel safer around you (not looking to start a relationship) and could make a vulnerable woman feel stringer in the face of this massive upheaval and trauma.

ApocalypseThen Sun 09-Nov-14 20:48:09

Plus, her story would be a hard and embarrassing one to explain - maybe people just assume a certain life when they see the rings and don't ask.

PiperIsOrangePumpkins Sun 09-Nov-14 20:50:07

I will never take off my wedding and engagement rings, they are mine.

If I was to get divorced I would still wear them.

Pumpkinpositive Sun 09-Nov-14 20:53:13

Was she religious? You don't say whether she divorced him?

annielouisa Sun 09-Nov-14 20:53:45

Perhaps she she told people she was widowed or something. She did the right thing at the time for her children and maybe she did not want to have to expose the tradegy to people who do not need to know.

DesperatelySeekingSanity Sun 09-Nov-14 20:57:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepoodle Sun 09-Nov-14 20:57:59

People deal with different situations in different ways. Her dh was horrendous but she can't erase him or their past - removing rings wouldn't mean anything imo

BasketzatDawn Sun 09-Nov-14 21:14:12

As well as what others have said, maybe she just liked the rings as pieces of jewellery. Also she might well have felt, since the split was not her fault, she could do what she liked with her rings. I think too maybe some people set too much store by traditions such as where you wear certain rings. I think of my fingers as mine grin and wear whichever of my rings I want on whichever fingers.

KimHollywood Sun 09-Nov-14 21:19:43

Could you imagine finding out that your husband was abusing your daughter?

The only important thing here is she believed her daughter, left her husband and moved away.

The womans actions after this should not be questioned imo.

GingerCuddleMonster Sun 09-Nov-14 21:26:15

After I separated from ex husband for domestic violence I wore my wedding ring for nearly a year, it kept people away, meant I could enjoy my life as single to gain my confidence back.

ReallyTired Sun 09-Nov-14 21:31:43

She believed her daughter and kicked her husband out.

Many christians believe that divorce is impossible in the eyes of God.

"Mark 10:9 What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder."

I imagine she has been through a lot and its not fair to judge her on how she wears her jewerlry.

LittleprincessinGOLDrocks Sun 09-Nov-14 21:39:27

She may have felt awfully torn emotionally. The engagement and marriage to that man resulted in her having a beautiful child. That wedding day was where her journey to having her daughter began.
Maybe the rings were sentimental family heirlooms - belonging to family members that were lovely and supportive.

I think what is most important is that the mother backed her daughter, and supported her when she needed her. She left the man who had hurt her child. She believed her child, and fought for her and protected her as soon as she found out. That is what matters.

But to her he will always be the father of her daughter, she may feel that she can not totally erase him from her past without it affecting her daughter. She acknowledges that at one time he made a child with her, but she also acknowledged he did wrong (putting it mildly) and no longer deserves to be in contact.

Enjorasdream Sun 09-Nov-14 22:31:38

My best friend wears a wedding and engagement ring even though she is divorced as a result of his violence. They both belonged to her gran. She says they make her feel 'safe'.
I wouldn't give it another thought if I were you, if you don't know the Mum intimately enough to ask.

turdfairynomore Sun 09-Nov-14 23:13:23

My controlling, abusive and cold "D"H walked out on us just over a year ago. He had made my life, and our children's lives hell for many years but that's another story. I wore my (very, very beautiful) engagement ring until Dec 2013-and I miss its sparkle! I'm still wearing my wedding ring. It's part of my hand after 25 years but it's also part of "me"? I am a primary school teacher so being "Mrs ....... " is what I'm called more than anything else. Also, I don't think I'll ever have another relationship -I never had one before I met my husband and he "damaged" my self esteem so badly that I don't think I could ever trust anyone again. A (very) few parents know my situation. Most don't. The ring "allows" me to continue to use my married name (I know that is a daft statement-but it's where my head is at present) -and it's also my "invisibility cloak" eg in the gym/supermarket etc it makes me feel "off limits"-which I am!! (Though I don't exactly think I'd be beating men away from the door if I took my ring off !!!)

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