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To be stressed about my friends jealousy

(14 Posts)
GnomieGrace Sun 09-Nov-14 18:42:06

About 6 months ago my husbands friend and his wife miscarried, there was an amniotic sac but no baby had developed. I spent a lot of time with the wife supporting her and also being a shoulder to cry on, particularly when it came to lighter hubby had cheated on her too on a business trip. Myself and DH found out we were expecting late August and told our friends at the 12 week stage ( I'm now 15 wks). We had arranged to go on holiday with them which happened last week. Before the holiday my DH's friend told him to tell me not to mention my pregnancy during the holiday as his wife was having trouble coming to terms with the fact I was pregnant. Luckily I am not showing! So we went on holiday and each day they suggested doing really active things like go-karting, parasailing and kayaking across the sea to another island, all activities I wasn't prepared to do due to my pregnancy. I'm rhesus negative and couldn't risk a bleed as limited access to healthcare. Anyway my DH went along with some of these plans leaving me in the rented villa to cook and clean. They also wanted to drink each night and spent a lot of our budget on alcohol which I contributed towards but obviously couldn't drink. They made all the plans with little consideration for me, and chose the restaurants we would be eating in, one gave me a really bad stomach upset and I spent 12 hours on the toilet. Also whenever I said I can't eat that as I am pregnant for example smoked salmon and blue cheeses they said "oh well I ate it when I was pregnant" I explained that some women were prepared to take the risk whereas I wasn't but they kept judging my decisions. I felt like I was being punished all week for being pregnant. AIBU to feel this way?

askyfullofstars Sun 09-Nov-14 18:45:59

Tbh Im struggling to see how them being inconsiderate toward you on holiday is jealousy, you are the only one making the connection with her mc.
Just ignore and enjoy being pg.
Congrats x

dalekanium Sun 09-Nov-14 18:52:57

Why on earth were you cooking and cleaning when they went out?

You should have just lazed around, or done something for yourself. Also, not impressive that your dh went out with them. Did you ask him not to? Did you state that you didn't want to eat at those places.

Agree with pp. not jealousy, just plain damn selfishness on their part by the sound of it. Coupled with a lack of assertiveness over what you wanted, and your DH totally failing to support you.

QuintsBombWithAWiew Sun 09-Nov-14 18:56:35

I dont think they necessarily are jealous, just some really shit "friends". Sorry that you got to find out this way, I suggest you move on.

WorraLiberty Sun 09-Nov-14 18:57:45

What dalekanium said.

I can't see how you're making a jealousy connection

They sound selfish and your DH does a little bit too.

magpiegin Sun 09-Nov-14 19:07:58

I think it is mainly your husband who sounds selfish. Why didn't he suggest doing things with you while they did their stuff and why did you cook and clean for them all? I would have relaxed by the pool or on the beach.

WooWooOwl Sun 09-Nov-14 19:18:00

I think it's understandable that what they needed was a holiday that wasn't restricted by pregnancy as they were upset about their own loss. Their needs were just incompatible with yours at that time, but remember you are the lucky one here and it won't harm you to be gracious about it.

I wouldn't eat blue cheese or salmon and I'm not pregnant. You don't have to justify why you aren't eating something.

You and your DH could have been more vocal about which restaurants you intended to go to on some nights, and your DH wasn't forced into joining them with what they wanted to do, he chose to.

LadyLuck10 Sun 09-Nov-14 19:18:40

My DH would have rather cancelled the holiday than act like me being pregnant was something to hide or be on eggshells over. Why did he go along with those activities and choose to leave you alone. Amazing how you can't see that your DH was totally selfish along with your friends, nothing to do with jealousy.

GnomieGrace Sun 09-Nov-14 19:30:40

Thanks everyone I guess I did jump to a conclusion about the jealousy thing, I made loads of suggestions for places to eat and things to do but the answer was always well Trip advisor says this is the best etc etc it was like we were living our lives according to trip advisor all week. Every suggestion I made was met with negativity. I was really gracious and not once did I openly mention my pregnancy other than when they asked me to join in their suggestions. I also made a conscious effort to talk to the wife and ask how she was getting on, her twin sister is pregnant also as well as another friend we have in common. I let her rant about how everyone was pregnant but her and tried to be a supportive friend. My DH was in a huff with me most of the week as I mentioned to him early on how I felt they were being inconsiderate, but he just said, try not to ruin the holiday and ignore it!

BunnyMama Sun 09-Nov-14 19:31:20

I think, contrary to other opinion, that jealousy was involved here. It's probably understandable jealousy though. If there was no jealousy at all, then this other couple would have discussed or at least made reference to your pregnancy, if not in a social, normal conversation then definitely when it came to doing obvious no-no activities like go-karting and parasailing. It's natural that it would come up then, so the fact that it didn't does mean there was something more going on. If it was selfishness then it was selfishness bourne from jealousy - in a way, parading all the things you can't do and eat is their answer to your pregnancy.

However. Your DH should come under the spotlight for enabling this stuff to go on. I am amazed that he appeared to support your friends more than him.

But, you are the one that has what she really wants, so it would be nice if you can view the holiday through a compassionate lens, and look to the future when you will be holding a newborn in your arms. Precious moments ahead, and then you won't care who did what on holiday. I hope your friends get their healthy pregnancy too.

BunnyMama Sun 09-Nov-14 19:31:56

*support his friends more than you

inlectorecumbit Sun 09-Nov-14 19:38:49

Your DH sounds more of the problem than your DFriends. A grown man in a huff for a week FFS he should be supporting his pregnant wife-not bowing down to his friends.
It sounds as if he was punishing you for being pregnant and spoiling the fun
.

DoJo Sun 09-Nov-14 19:58:06

There's a big difference between not talking about your pregnancy and pretending that you aren't pregnant at all, and they definitely crossed the line into the latter.
However, I agree that these fairly poor excuses for friends aren't really the issue - the fact that your husband was in a huff with you all week because you pointed out to him that it wasn't turning out to be much of a holiday for you is inexcusable.

feebeecat Sun 09-Nov-14 19:59:05

Agree there was something going on, no one would suggest some of the activities you mention to someone they knew to be pregnant otherwise.
Other explanation is they are really a bit dim. Dh, his friend and wife arranged a long week-end away for us all when I would've been about 20 weeks gone with twins. In Bruges. At some beer drinking thingie. In December. I spent first 18-ish weeks I was pregnant with my head permanently stuck down the toilet. Shortly after that stopped, my back gave up the ghost. Difference here is, when I had finished laughing at dh, I refused to go. And he agreed. Where was your dh in all this - oh yes sulking. He thinks you being pregnant cramps your style, wait until the baby is here!!
No reflection on you, but having small people in tow does kind of limit some activities. The sleep,deprivation should see off the rest grin
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy, hope you get to enjoy it -without anymore guilt tripping from anyone.

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