am a NC'd regular. Aware this is a sensitive area...
DSIS and DM maintain with very, very strong conviction, that DNiece should absolutely not do anything like scouts, girl guides, brownies, etc.
According to them, these activities are full of child abusers, and people who say "it's all changed a lot since the 1950s, there are CRB checks and the whole ethos has changed, and children should be in a better position to be listened to and protected now than in a society where children were seen and not heard and adults were handed authority without responsibility" are either naive idiots who just don't know how the world works, or are apologists for child abuse.
It's come up once or twice in the last few years because I've suggested it. I've spent a fair bit of time working with teenagers and uni age students who've done scouts/guides, and am impressed with the self-reliance, confidence, resilience etc. that I see. I think my Dniece needs some decent exposure to generally getting on with people, and particularly how to get on with other girls, because she is really not being taught this at home. She does lots of activities after school, but is encouraged to see these as competitive, and spends a lot of time talking about how she did brilliantly at X activity and how stupid/unmusical/ untalented/ unsporty/ nasty the other kids are. This is very sad in a 6 year old.
Context so this doesn't come across as drip feeding:
My family is one where DM has very little social insight (probably has ASD), never worked, was brought up to judge her self-worth by whether an adult had praised her for being "good" or pretty", was never expected to have, let alone express, any sort of informed opinion; and later, judged her self worth by how many young men were inviting her out, or by how many of her husband's colleagues were leering at her. Given that upbringing, it's not totally surprising that she has no idea how to get on with people, and particularly, has no idea how ot get on with women, because she spends most of her time slagging other women off over their appearance or other percieved shortcomings.
She brought up my DSIS to judge her self worth much the same way. My DSIS has unfortunately turned out much the same way, though with the added complication that in the 1980s and 1990s, young men "asking you out" was a very different game with very different consequences. My DSIS wasn't given the personal skills to negotiate any of this, and thus found herself disrespected by the horrible young men, slagged off by the girls and teachers at school for being a tart, and disliked generally because she, like our mother, tries to relate to people by having conversations about other women's shortcomings.
i have ASD and am ugly. I had to find my own way, as was one of the people slagged off on a daily basis by DM and DSIS. Eventually I realised having a good life is through having a sense of ideal self and being true to it, and getting on with other people. I'm not perfect at this kind of thing, but I think it's important.
AIBU?
to think DSIS and DM are being ridiculous over girl guides/scouts?
unionjacksocks · 09/11/2014 09:55
No, you are definitely not BU. There's clearly not much you can do to change their attitudes, but you can try and offer your niece a different view of the world whenever possible and if you can, you'll be doing a good job 
. Ignore the 'none of your business' crew. Interestingly my MIL has exactly the same attitude as your DM. Whenever she meets another woman she judges her first and foremost on her appearance and will come out with real unpleasantries behind her back. Yet she gathers women she considers less attractive to be her acolytes who will cater to her every whim. 'Friends' on a very unequal basis. It's perverse. I hadn't really considered how the upbringing of girls in ages past might have led her to this. Interesting!
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