To not be sure if I want to marry?(37 Posts)
In general I mean. Not to someone in particular.
I read threads on here and just can't imagine arguing with somebody over what needs doing, what needs spending, what to do at weekends and so on. In some ways it's easier to stay single.
I am getting on a bit (34) and while I can't imagine living with someone I do want children and I do get lonely sometimes but it just seems too much hassle!
Or is mumsnet skewing my views!?
I always thought the same and was adamant I wouldn't shackle myself to anybody.
Until I hooked up with the husband in my 30s. You never really know what's around the corner really.
Fwiw not everybody has the issues you've outlined or arguing even.
Anything worth having is difficult at times. Relationships and children being two of them.
You will get a lot of the extremes on MN so it's definitely not a true reflection of rl.
Not many people will start a thread on here saying 'Well I have a dh and two dc. My dh is lovely, my dc are doing well in school and are well behaved. I'm financially secure, enjoy my job, and think I generally have a happy and fulfilled life. AIBU?'
This is largely why I wondered if it was 'mumsnet reality' as I call it, or reality?!
Walking, I've actually seen a few threads like that. The OP often gets shot down for being superior!
OP I don't feel shackled to my DH, I enjoy his and our DS's company. If I need space I generally get it. We don't argue. But I don't see anything bad about being single, whatever makes you happy.
I was resolutely single and independent until I was 32, scared witless by the thought of being shackled to someone else and being sucked into a relationship, losing myself. I've now been happily married for more than 8 years, it can happen!
I have a wonderful partner who I have been with for nearly 10 years. We live together and I love it. I can still completely understand why someone would choose to be single. Healthy relationships do take work and compromise and all of that and there are times when he drives me crackers! And yet no situation is perfect - as you say, living alone means you get to please yourself all the time but you may feel lonely and wish you had someone around.
The marriage part is totally optional. We have no intention of ever getting married but have no intention of ever splitting up!
It's not for everyone, I like being married but yes some of the normal stuff - dividing up housework, finances, what to do, what's a worthy issue for child discipline, etc, gets tiring. Of course it's great because you have somebody doing half of the housework, bringing in more money, getting you to try new things, sorting out the DC etc but it's not like they think exactly the same as you so their ideas on what is important etc aren't the same - it's not like you have a clone doing everything as you would do it.
I'm not even talking about a bad relationship, of course that would be even worse (and a bad relationship is definitely worse than being single).
Overall I think it is worth it for the companionship, help, and generally life being easier. And love/sex, of course It helps that me and DH are pretty independent - spend much of our time doing separate things at home, so I don't feel stifled, but are able to connect as well. And it's important to marry someone who shares your morals in life, so you're not arguing about stuff that you're never going to change anyway. Different techniques of doing the washing up = annoying but not important. Different ideas about what kind of lifestyle you want = probably a dealbreaker. At 34 if you want children then you don't have a lot of time to work that stuff out.
Have you thought about options for family planning while single? Sperm donation or adoption?
I'd say if you're expecting marriage to be like being single with half the work, it's not. It's probably 3/4 of the work because you make up for it with having to account for another person. However, presumably you like this other person and they generally improve your life, so there are positives added too.
Agree with walking.
I had no interest in getting married in my twenties but can't imagine not being married to dh. He's my best friend, sounding board and protector! We do have quite seperate lives so the time we are together is special and we both have clear roles in the house which limits arguements. That said, marriage isn't for everyone - horses for courses and all that!
No, they definitely aren't for me. I have thought about both but while
I want children I don't want to adopt and SD seems to bring forth resentful children who want to know their background and can't. Plus I don't have anyone to help so if I died DC would have to go into care (this fact alone would render me unsuitable for adoption anyway.)
Thanks for more recent posts cross post. We shall see - maybe my man is out there!
I think lots of people don't want to 'settle down', and that's fine. Sometimes they meet someone who they want to settle down with, sometimes they don't, and that's fine too. I'd not base my perceptions of marriage solely on AIBU or Relationships though!
I don't feel shackled to DH, i feel enriched by having him in my life, and that i enrich his life. I did feel shackled to my ex and he was just a boyfriend. I think it can seem restrictive if you don't have a person in mind to marry, it is an odd concept.
Yeah, I know what you mean!
I think for the most part I am fairly
boring and settled: would probably 'do' a bit more in a couple as so much of life is set up that way in a sense.
When you live with somebody AND possibly have children with him, you have to deal with all the downsides of sharing you life with another person/s whether you are married or not.
Marriage, as it stands, gives you some protection should it all go pear shaped and you need to split up.
I suspect the same legal framework could be set up with a civil partnership and some additional legal contracts; getting married just seemed like the easier/cheaper option to me
IMO MN gives a very broad view, but will tell you exactly nothing about how your future relationship might pan out
Yes, I was using marriage and LTR pretty much synonymously; I should have made that clear!
Oh, right, I see
I think Helena Bonham-Carter and Tim Burton had it right: 2 houses, right next to each other with connecting door!
My brother was 39 when he married his wife, also 39 at the time.
This was 7 years ago - and it was interesting to see them both getting used to having to compromise
Yep, I would absolutely follow the HBC and TB route I think!
I might let off my frustration with DH and life into Mums net because it's a nice forum to do so. But what i don't share are the good bits because at the times when I'm at my happiest I don't retreat to the Internet... I just enjoy it. So I guess from some people like me you only get a small fraction of the picture of our marriages.
My sister always said she wasn't going to get married, she just got engaged to her boyfriend of a year. She's 32.
What I found to be the nice thing - when you marry the right person, it all feels very positive, easy and not actually a painful compromise at all
Same would go in this sense for LTR.
I'd just keep an open mind OP, anything could happen, and as long as you are confident that you know what you want and what would make you happy at the same time as being open to new experiences, I'm sure you'll be fine.
The only issue is babies and the time limit. SD would be your most sensible option here. 34? Don't put it too much to the back of your mind.
Do you think you'd really really regret it if you didn't have any?
I think it is fine to decide that you aren't interesting in getting married but if you want to have children then you have to decide how much, and what you are going to do about it, and whether / how you would do it alone.
Being happily childless and single is blissful if that is what you want. One of the things that you can consider is how much further your money will go, leaving open all sorts of options for travel, scaling back work and doing other projects, etc, just generally being a freer person engaging fully in life. Having children and a house means that I am absolutely tied to working flat out in every way for the forseeable future and that makes me depressed if I look at that for longer than 5 seconds.
But if you do want children at all, then all that is even truer if you do it on your own. So maybe its just that husbands are bloody hard work compared to nothing, but better than nothing when you bring children into the mix
Of course traditionally that was always what marriage was: a structure that set out how children would be provided for and who they "belonged" to. If you don't have any, I guess, why bother?
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