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to be suspicious of my sbxh?

(29 Posts)
Simile Fri 07-Nov-14 21:16:44

The sbxh left 2 years ago. He sees the DCs regularly but rarely has them over night (2-3x a year). He wants to remarry. I've agreed verbally to a 2 year separation divorce if he's the petitioner and pays the fees. But he wants me to sign a solicitors letter saying I give my consent to this type of divorce.

Thing is I lost my trust of sbxh when I discovered the string of affairs he was having. He looked me square in the eye and lied about it all (classic I know).

So any ideas why needs this letter? He says we don't need to reach a financial agreement but this is the most important aspect, particularly as I'm a mature student at the moment and will be for another few months. At the end of my course I no longer have my bursary to pay the mortgage.

AIBU being so suspicious? I've lost my perspective.

WooWooOwl Fri 07-Nov-14 21:22:10

I know nothing about divorce law, so there is really nothing to be gained from listening to my opinion, but my guess would be that it will affect the financial settlement. Maybe judges are more generous towards people who don't want to be getting the divorce or something.

Whatever it is, you need a good solicitors advice before you sign anything, but I'm guessing you know that!

DoJo Fri 07-Nov-14 21:23:24

I second the strong suggestion that you do absolutely nothing without a solicitor on your side. He is clearly quite happy to lie to you, so there is no reason you should accept anything he says at face value and you need to make sure you don't do something now which will bit you in the arse at a later date.

wheresthelight Fri 07-Nov-14 21:25:13

its part of the court documentation as part of an uncontested divorce (basically means you agree to the divorce) My STBXH tried to get me to sign one on the grounds on my alleged adultery - i never cheated on him so i refused to sign.

My guess would be he wants to prevent you counter suing on the grounds of his adultery as he would have to disclose this to the church/registrar in order to gain acceptance to remarry and i would bet he hasn't told his gf why you and he have split up

Simile Fri 07-Nov-14 21:41:16

Of course he hasn't wheresthelight, he decided on the "mad wife" story. Another classic eh? I'm as insane apparently but still a suitable mother to bring up his children. hmm She was married too, so I'm content in knowing that they are ideally suited.

He's very, very keen on keeping his character lily-white. Hhhmm what to do...

Simile Fri 07-Nov-14 21:42:26

*I'm insane

I also can't type. grin

Andrewofgg Fri 07-Nov-14 22:04:20

he would have to disclose this to the church/registrar in order to gain acceptance to remarry

Not to the registrar. Registrars don't care why you were divorced as long as there is a decree absolute.

and i would bet he hasn't told his gf why you and he have split up

Bang on the money!

But it won't affect the position when it comes to financial orders.

Simile Fri 07-Nov-14 22:23:53

Ok here's my draft letter for him:

"To whom it may concern,

SBXH offered to be responsible for all our divorce fees, including my solicitor fees, on condition that I agree to a two year separation divorce. I accept this offer and therefore give my consent to this type of divorce instead of his adultery.

Yours faithfully
Simile"

I have written proof that he agreed to court fees but he said verbally that he would pay my solicitor fees too. Too passive aggressive with the adultery bit?

BoneyBackJefferson Fri 07-Nov-14 22:40:45

I agree that you need proper legal advice on this (from memory andrew is correct)

but if you want a divorce why would you want to prolong this by putting the adultery bit in?

It will just cause aggravation.

But if he wanted to keep his "lily white" character he could just start divorce proceedings against you.

Fabulous46 Fri 07-Nov-14 22:47:06

I wouldn't agree to anything without a Solicitor especially if finances haven't been agreed legally.

Andrewofgg Sat 08-Nov-14 06:59:35

Please OP sign nothing without legal advice.

SanityClause Sat 08-Nov-14 07:56:07

i would get him to put his proposal in writing, (including the bit about paying all your legal costs) then you can take it to a solicitor to see what they say.

It's my understanding that the reason for divorce does not affect the financial arrangements, anyway. So the adulterer doesn't get less of the assets than he wronged party. The split os assets is decided by other factors.

wheresthelight Sat 08-Nov-14 08:38:57

the registrar did ask for the reason for my stbxh first marriage ending. it doesn't effect anything but it does get asked but inbound guess theybwant a church wedding.

I wouldn't so anything until you have spoken to a solicitor. you need to get advice before you do anything

Andrewofgg Sat 08-Nov-14 08:45:58

Registrar was nosy. Nobody else's business.

MuttonCadet Sat 08-Nov-14 08:59:16

It won't effect the financial resolution, I think Andrews right and he's wanting to whitewash his past for other reasons.

maddening Sat 08-Nov-14 09:22:56

You need to sign a divorce that cites his infidelity and emotional abuse (claiming you are insane) - what are the implications to you? You need a solicitor to sit down and explain these to you and explain the alternatives, their costs and implications to both parties - he is playing to get something favourable IMO and you don't owe him that.

Nomama Sat 08-Nov-14 11:12:15

And if you absolutely must write a letter, don't put the "because of his adultery" at the end of a sentence, where it could be easily cut out. Stick it in the middle of a sentence, where any tampering will be easy to spot!

Also remember, if you email him a copy, to send only a pdf, not a Word document.

Now... how paranoid do you want to get?

Really, I'd also say get thee to a solicitor instead.

cozietoesie Sat 08-Nov-14 11:17:30

Don't write anything and see a solicitor right away.

...He says we don't need to reach a financial agreement.....

Oh really??

Remember - whatever you may have been to each other at one time, he is not your friend any more.

Andrewofgg Sat 08-Nov-14 12:40:44

He may be right (for the wrong reasons) about one thing. Two years and consent is the better way to go. Why slag each other off on paper if it can be avoided?

Simile Sat 08-Nov-14 16:03:51

Thank you all for you advice. I didn't send the letter. I did find something on the web that said if the divorce absolute came through without finances agreed then I would lose the right to claim some things (pension?) as I wouldn't be married to him. So I've sent a polite txt to SBXH saying that we need to agree the financial side of things and that I'm happy for us to do the wikivorce financial settlement consultation to see what a fair settlement would be.

I had a free 10mins with a solicitor who said to let him initiate a 2 year separation as it's the easiest divorce.

Does he need my signature to start divorce with a 2 year separation? And, can I start financial mediation prior to the divorce process starting?

Absolutle cozie he's not my friend at all which is why I'm so suspicious of doing anything that he's trying very hard to get me to do.

Great advice Nomama, pdfs are the way to go!

Andrewofgg Sat 08-Nov-14 17:03:36

He does not need your signature to start a two-year job but the decree cannot go through without your signature on a form consenting to it.

The best way is to agree terms and sign a consent order, which his solicitors undertake to file with the application for a decree.

JenniferGovernment Sat 08-Nov-14 19:59:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Simile Sat 08-Nov-14 20:02:26

Well I said he can go ahead and start the paperwork but I'm not signing any solicitors letter. I said it was my reassurance that the finances will be sorted out before the decree was allowed. Thanks Andrewofgg!

He's not a happy bunny and is insisting that I'm wrong and I need to sign it. He has a long history of insisting I'm wrong to get his own way...

WooWooOwl Sat 08-Nov-14 20:14:10

This is making me cross just reading it!

He is playing you, you don't need to sign anything. If it's wasn't to benefit himself at your expense, then he wouldn't be pushing so hard. You are not wrong, and he knows it.

He can hand over cash to you for your solicitors fees if he wants to speed things up, and then you can ensure you have someone who knows what they're doing on your side.

WooWooOwl Sat 08-Nov-14 20:16:10

Also, as great as an easy divorce sounds, your life after the divorce won't be so easy if you are shafted in the financial settlement.

You don't want an easy divorce, you want one that's going to serve you as well as possible financially. The two things won't go together.

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