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what do you think is R or UR re. teens and porn?

(45 Posts)
popmimiboo Fri 07-Nov-14 10:31:34

Help. Just opened nearly 15 year old DS' Kindle fire (was trying to remember a book title) and the browser was open on the "youporn" menu. Having never been interested in hardcore porn, I am more than a little horrified.
I've set the parental control to block internet which means that he'll know that he's been found out.

The family PC and his laptop have Microsoft family safety settings so I'm not banning him from any innocent internet access.

Not sure what to do about his iPhone though?

To be honest, the whole thing is a minefield. I have a 12 year old DD too and we have the rule that all gadgets, including phones, stay downstairs when they go to bed on school nights, though I have turned a blind eye in the holidays. I don't want to be controlling but am really uncomfortable about him accessing such vile porn. (I don't know what exactly he's been looking at, it was a menu page.) I'm amazed he has no passcode on the Kindle and has left it on the dining table though!

Can someone tell me how they handle teens and porn access? I'm going to have to talk to him aren't I? AIBU in this day and age to not want this stuff in my house at all? AIBU to expect a teenage boy not to look at porn sites?

He's quite a sporty, sociable lad who (thank god) doesn't spend a huge amount of time locked up in his room. He's usually playing football or watching TV downstairs and I've never been particularly worried about this before. Help!

SaucyJackOLantern Fri 07-Nov-14 11:00:43

I have little girls so have never been in this situation..... so I might be way off.

I think you are clearly right in wanting to block his access to hardcore porn, but I also find it quite "normal" for a pubescent teen to be wanting to have a look -- and a wank-- at nudey women. Is there anything tamer that you could consider turning a blind eye to like Nuts or Zoo mag? Might keep the wolf from the door until he's old enough to make his own viewing decisions.

Seriouslyffs Fri 07-Nov-14 11:07:44

Youporn is the best of a bad lot I think- it's home posted stuff. I only know about it through a Victoria Coren article! blush
You need to talk to him. Explain that you can't unsee stuff and that having such images in his head could make it hard to have a real relationship in the future. Have the conversation in the car so he can't escape!
cake

Gawjushun Fri 07-Nov-14 11:09:41

I think it's quite normal for teenagers to see porn. Our family first got the internet in the late 90s when I was a teenager, and I remember it was exciting looking up slowly loading naughty pictures! I don't think the images were even that sexy, it was just the forbidden aspect of it all.

Of course, the problem now is that you can stream pretty hardcore stuff, which would definitely concern me. Talking about it directly is probably better than simply blocking the internet and trying to embarrass him. Discuss how porn is unrealistic and can be exploitative, and that you'd rather he found more productive uses of his time.

KnackeredMuchly Fri 07-Nov-14 11:14:01

My plan is to make it as difficult as I can, with family safe settings etc. They will always find a way around - friends will give him videos etc but it is when it is free amd easy to search that you can get drawn into viler and viler stuff and the easier the access the more tempting the addiction.

Things like, only letting him have post midnight access once a week, trying to limit the data downloads or speeds on his devices etc.

popmimiboo Fri 07-Nov-14 11:20:31

I'm trying to calm down! Have unblocked the browser on his Kindle but am enforcing the gadgets downstairs after 9pm rule.

A chat in the car is an excellent idea. At home he would definitely storm off, no matter how relaxed/ easy going I try to be. (He's the type who will yell that I'm always yelling at him if I ask him casually to pick up his socks!)

I suppose I can't unsee what I saw so I really need to talk to him for my own sake as much as his. Just wish it was a pile of girly mags rather than this stuff!

britbat Fri 07-Nov-14 12:03:06

He needs to learn to conceal his porn habits better. This fuss will probably achieve that aim! You may not like it, but it's his choice. But he should understand that it's unfair of him to share his masturbatory habits with the rest of the family.

Meanwhile you need to learn some boundaries re: looking up things on 'his' (as you call it) Kindle Fire.

Vivacia Fri 07-Nov-14 12:23:44

To be honest, I think that leaving it until he's 15 years old is too late. Children have access to images of violence, peril, sex etc that most of us have never had to deal with, so we need to teach them about staying safe.

I'd treat him as an adult. Educate him, and get him to think about the ethics of porn. His beliefs may not be the same as his parents. Would you think channel 4's "date my porn star" suitable?

He also needs to think about leaving such content in the reach of children and his responsibilities around that.

The last, last, last thing I want is porn being my children's sex ed teacher.

avocadotoast Fri 07-Nov-14 12:54:26

Yeah, you need to talk to him. Tbh he will find ways round whatever rules you set (I'm in my mid-twenties and when I was your son's age, I think all my male friends were looking at hardcore porn, so I imagine it's only got worse). The problem isn't just websites like Youporn but things like Tumblr too, which is much, much harder to regulate.

But, at least if you speak to him, and outline why you're upset about it, and let him see that porn exploits and abuses, hopefully it might change his habits a little.

Bluetonic123 Fri 07-Nov-14 13:04:50

I remember finding pages from potn magazines in hedges when I was younger and studying them intently. I think it's very normal for 15 year old boys to be curious about sex And with porn so readily available it is inevitable that he will see it.

In theory I can see how talking to him about it and having an open dialogue would be the best course of action but I imagine that in practice it would be excruciatingly embarrassing for him.

SophiaPetrillo Fri 07-Nov-14 13:04:50

I had this recently with my 13 year old DS. He was looking at it in his room on his IPad and we had a chat about it. I emphasised that he was far too young to be looking at this stuff and it can skew your expectations of sexual relationships in the future as it usually doesn't reflect reality very well. It was well worth talking to him as it turned out he was very unsure of his sexuality and believed himself to be "weird" as he wasn't getting turned on by it (the hetero stuff anyway). We had a really healthy dialogue, it isn't always a negative when these things happen, it can lead to a better understanding. Good luck.

AnythingNotEverything Fri 07-Nov-14 13:10:00

I think it's very important that alongside any security you have a chat along the lines of "those ladies aren't really having fun and pain is not normal during sex" and "this isn't what sex looks like, this is the action movie version of sex - people don't do that, and women don't look like that naked".

Espii Fri 07-Nov-14 14:30:09

UANBU... I think. I watched porn from 15. I think him leaving it downstairs is very, very silly. I mean, I had my own laptop and the only rule was "off by 10pm". I still had passcodes, deleted history and had nothing saved, but I don't think I've seen anything hardcore on youporn. It's the one that's not hardcore, but its one of the big three.
Honestly, just talk to him, he's 15 and does have an interest in it, he will be 16 soon so will be at the age of consent, then 18 and you can't police it forever.
Yes there are such things such as tumblr which I go on and follow a lot of porn blogs and reblog them but I am an adult.
He just needs talking to. I don't think it's good to say "women DON'T look like this at all" because some do. Just say "this is meant for people to have fun with, don't abuse it, don't make it the be all and end all of your life, and be careful in relationships, because some girls won't be into what they're doing. Some might be, but not all. No means no" all that lark.
He will find ways to watch it. I spoke to my DP and he said that when he was younger they all had laptops and phones and screen time (as with me) wasn't policed as his family as well as mine saw it as intrusive - our parents said if we didn't like anything we saw, we'd come to them and tell them.
Just have a chat, don't go mental, just have a "look son..." kind of conversation. Tell him to not be as silly as to leave the kindle downstairs! grin

DogCalledRudis Fri 07-Nov-14 14:48:04

It is very normal to be interested in sex and look at naughty stuff, however, whats on the internet can be way more vile than an adult magazine.

PurpleSwift Fri 07-Nov-14 15:32:18

Can't you set up parental controls with your internet provider? That'll block him from accessing anything through your wifi which rules out laptops and kindle. He could still acess is with his iPhone though by turning off his wifi but it would then depend on the kind of phone contract he has and if it includes data usage

Vivacia Fri 07-Nov-14 15:47:46

I think that would be appropriate for a 10 year old, but not a 15 year old Purple.

cheesecakemom Fri 07-Nov-14 15:59:59

This is scary! I really sympathise. Personally I would just block everything so it can't be accessed from home wifi, then have that talk.

Triliteral Fri 07-Nov-14 16:00:12

For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure my 17 year old used to view some porn sites when he was about your son's age. He has a girlfriend now, and I think they have an active and happy sex life (he's moved out to a flat, so I don't know many details). As several people have said YouPorn isn't so bad, I think it's best not to panic too much. I know there is a whole load of stuff in the media trying to worry parents about how it sets up boys with unrealistic expectations, but how much that reflects reality, and how much is just for button clicks on their website / sales of their paper, and how much is political because the parties are all campaigning to make us believe they are the one party who can protect us from the awful scourge that is the internet is another matter.

ImTheOneThatKnocks Fri 07-Nov-14 16:01:05

No one is allowed to view porn in my house regardless of age. My DCs are adults and older teens and can do whatever they like outside the home. They don't have a problem with it at all.
I have parental controls on our home network - with fairly lenient controls and all mobile phone contracts that I pay for don't allow porn.
I'm no pride and am happy for dc to have sex in the house from about 17 ish.
I'm find it shocking that parents are so relaxed about Internet access with younger teens

theposterformallyknownas Fri 07-Nov-14 16:03:47

I had controls on mine until they were 16.
It was easier though as no iphones, kindles, ipads, just the family pc or later a lap top.
It is normal for them to want to look though as it is the way society has gone now, unless you stop it and supervise their internet access

Vivacia Fri 07-Nov-14 16:10:37

I know there is a whole load of stuff in the media trying to worry parents about how it sets up boys with unrealistic expectations,

I think that there are many people writing about how it sets unrealistic expectations for members of both sex in young adulthood, it's not just hype.

StrawberryMouse Fri 07-Nov-14 16:24:36

I'm almost thirty and know several men with porn induced erectile dysfunction, death grip etc. It's quite depressing. My friend's partner has to actively "leave himself alone" and stay away from porn for a week before being able to have sex with her. You could try telling him that op? ����

Neverbuyheliumbalonz Fri 07-Nov-14 16:45:22

Strawberry shock

And what is 'death grip?'!!!

LokiBear Fri 07-Nov-14 16:52:18

I teach SRE and we cover pornography in our scheme of work. The basic advice when teaching it is to highlight that porn is not real (takes 6 hours to record 10 minutes), porn is not a good way to learn about sex (because it's not real) it doesn't depict men and women in a realistic way, it doesn't depict what a relationship should be, it is someone else's fantasy and therefore might be alarming to people who watch it. Try not to shame him, but use it as a way to have an open discussion about sex.

Crapunzel Fri 07-Nov-14 17:08:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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