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Aibu to stop all contact?

(9 Posts)
Rebecca2014 Fri 07-Nov-14 07:49:05

When me and my ex separated a month ago I thought he step up and be a good dad to our 2.6 year old daughter, he already had a son he rarely sees and I thought he wouldn't want that type of relationship with his daughter.

The first week went well but in the last 3 weeks he has seen her for three hours. He makes me seem unreasonable to ask him to take a day off work each week to see his daughter as he has bills to pay. This is the man who chose to get a 10,000 car on finance then use that money to see his children.

He is meant to be having her overnight next Sunday, that is when he will next see her. Aibu to tell him if from then on he does not start seeing her more regularly it may be best if all contact stops? I just wonder if it is doing my daughter damage? she has speech delay and cannot tell me what she is feeling but I wonder if seeing your father once/twice a month causes more damage than not seeing him at all?

Balaboosta Fri 07-Nov-14 07:53:05

Sorry you're going through this. No, you can't at this stage "stop contact". You have to keep going and work it through with him. You need to make an access agreement and there will all kinds of things to sort out going forward. Do you have legal advice etc?

aboxofrats Fri 07-Nov-14 07:57:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rebecca2014 Fri 07-Nov-14 08:01:20

He tells me he never has a day off work. He has one main job and two side jobs he can pick and choose when he works.

Funny thing Is I am sure when he meets someone new he will make time for her.

riverboat1 Fri 07-Nov-14 08:02:48

I really don't think you should stop all contact, and am pretty sure its not more damaging to never see your father then see him twice a month. EOweekend is a standard contact pattern, lots of NRPs maintain a ggood relationship with their child this way, and it only works out to seeing them 'twice a month'.

I'm sure it is frustrating and worrying given his other child who he doesn't see though. But definitely don't unilaterally stop contact 1 month in.

Rebecca2014 Fri 07-Nov-14 08:09:00

Riverboat I be happy with that arrangement but I asked him to start having her overnight every 3/4 weeks and this was turned down because he will not have the time. Next Sunday is going be rare occurrence.

So his contact will be for a few hours at a time at best.

I suppose I will just see how it goes...if I see my daughter in the future is suffering from it...I don't know. See how it will go, how disappointing.

moraf2 Fri 07-Nov-14 08:25:26

How sad for you and your daughter. It's still very early days and all feeling must be raw.give it time to settle and hopefully things will get into a routine

SaucyJackOLantern Fri 07-Nov-14 08:49:06

How much was he seeing her when you were all living together if he was working three jobs?

Charitybelle Fri 07-Nov-14 09:06:27

He does sound like a deadbeat dad unfortunately and I suspect even this small amount of contact will eventually reduce if you stop pushing him for it. I feel sorry for your daughter, but agree with other posters that you shouldn't 'stop contact'. It will make you look uncooperative should it ever come to court.
Personally I would just stop getting so involved in this. Tell him in advance (say every month) what dates/times would be convenient for your daughter to see him, how much notice you will need to facilitate this (e.g. At least 48 hours or a week...?) then leave the ball in his court. This would be entirely reasonable and it leaves it up to him to decide how much or little he wants to see her.
You don't need to get into discussions or arguments with him about his working patterns, finances etc.. Sadly it's up to him if he'd rather work than see his own dd. Heartbreaking though it is for your dd, at least she's young enough not to have a clue yet. Also, if he's rubbish with his ds, I'd imagine it won't be long til he drops out if her life altogether sad
The point I'm making is that it's not your responsibility to manage the relationship between your dd and her dad. As hard as it must be for you to watch him do this, all you can do is leave the door open for contact, and support your dd. It's not right, and it's not fair, but it is what it is. If she's lucky he'll either man up and behave like a real parent or he'll fuck off like the child he seems to be and she won't have to deal with him being a part time unreliable dad. I hope it's the former.

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