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Desperate for a 3rd baby - husband is not

(182 Posts)
BingBong36 Thu 06-Nov-14 11:25:07

Hi all,

I have 2 children 5 & 3 years and for the last 3 years I have been desperately trying to convince my husband for a 3rd baby.. the answer is still no.

I cannot imagine not having another one and it is really breaking my heart, he is not even considering it, his reasons are as follows:

He wants to buy what ever he wants.

He wants Ski-ing trips and x2 summer holidays every year - we cannot afford to do this at the moment and will never be able to afford it so what difference does it make?? We get 1 summer holiday abroad a year.

He wants to buy another bike (he has a bike in the garage that cost over £1,000 he never even rides)

we are not rolling in it, but live in a nice 3 bed house, we also have a flat we rent out with some equity in it. We are short at the end of the month and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt and the children have what they want, none of us go short. He thinks we do.

I told him I would go back to work after 4 months, would do all the night feeds and getting up etc to make his life as easy as possible. He works away a lot anyway so would get good quality sleep. I have basically said I would do whatever it takes to make his life easy.

What more can I do?? he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable. I just do not understand why? he is a very good dad and very hands on, we never found having the two we have got hard.

We have two very well behaved children, we have very hands-on parents that help with childcare. I do everything at home - cooking/cleaning/admin/banking etc plus I work part- time. life could not be any easier for him.

This whole situation is making me feel very depressed, I have a lot of sleepless nights panicking that this is it, no more for me.

I bring it up with him every 6 months with him and we just go around in circles and I end up in a state.

as soon as my second was born he said 'that's it' there was not even a discussion!

how do I get over this and move on???

thank you xx

youareallbonkers Thu 06-Nov-14 11:28:35

Perhaps address why you are so desperate for another baby. Especially if you are going straight back to work

MustBeDueSomeBetterFeet Thu 06-Nov-14 11:30:56

Had you discussed how many kids you wanted earlier on in the relationship? Has his decision come as a surprise?

specialsubject Thu 06-Nov-14 11:31:04

sounds like he is bottling telling you the real reason which is he doesn't want #3, full stop. I'm afraid that the person who doesn't want a child trumps the one who does.

there is obviously, and sadly, no compromise. If you are to save this marriage you need to talk and he needs to understand your misery.

BTW you are in debt as you are using your overdraft, and any wobble in your income could tip you over the edge. So time for a frank talk about money and the saving of it.

CleanLinesSharpEdges Thu 06-Nov-14 11:33:20

he is under the impression that his life would be awful if we were to have another and that he would be miserable

And you're under the same impression if you don't have another.

It's a really sad situation, as you can't both win, and unfortunately in situations like this, the feelings of the person who doesn't want another have to take precedence imo.

tywysogesgymraeg Thu 06-Nov-14 11:36:57

"and eat in to our overdraft , but we are not in any debt"
Contradiction in terms. If you have an overdraft, you are in debt.

Why do you want/need a third child so badly? Is this something you can discuss with a counsellor?

YvetteChauvire Thu 06-Nov-14 11:37:51

When you have two children already, you must consider why you want another. Would it be great for the family? How will your other two benefit? Will they be disadvantaged? Is this hypothetical child more important than your existing family?

Or it it a purely selfish decision?

I am like your husband. However, my husband accepts and respects my decision. Primarily because he is also of the mind that a child must be wanted by both parents. Thus he has never pushed it. I think I would find the pressure unbearable.

manchestermummy Thu 06-Nov-14 11:38:15

How old are you? Does that have any influence on how you are feeling?

I can fully appreciate a need for another child. I want another so badly it hurts sometimes. Seeing pregnant women kills me. I can feign delight for new babies (other than my good friends, where the delight is absolutely genuine) and even the birth of my niece a year ago made me rage with jealousy. DH does too, but he is the voice of reason in our marriage, and he thinks - rightly, actually - that we cannot afford another.

I too feel depressed about it. Depressed about lack of finances meaning we can't add to our family. But I love being a four too: for me, it's almost a physical, hormonal need to have another. Deep down I don't want to be changing cars needlessly, forgetting nice holidays, doing all the baby stuff again when we have moved beyond. I cried when we gave away our cot. But it is all emotional. Maybe I'll move on; maybe I won't.

I think like a pp said, you need to figure out why you feel this way. It's your body, yes, but you have a dh and his opinion absolutely counts.

BingBong36 Thu 06-Nov-14 11:46:21

Thanks everyone for your input it is good to hear advice from you all.

Just to clear up the overdraft bit, yes I did contradict myself but when I say eat into it I mean by around £300, and this is our only debt.

I want a 3rd because (a) I am one of three (I am sure that this is a huge factor) (b) my family does not feel complete (c) I LOVE having children, it is really is the only thing I am good at and enjoy (d) I would hate to live with regret.

I am 36 now so I do feel time is pressing on, a few friends have announced they are having a third which just makes me feel so terribly jealous. I feel like I am starting to resent my husband which I know is terrible!

I have suggested marriage counselling to get over this but he is not up for that.

so I guess this is something I have to live with x

YvetteChauvire Thu 06-Nov-14 11:54:51

I feel for you. However I noticed all 4 reasons you give are all about you; nothing about your existing children, nothing about your husband. They should feature prominently in your decision making process. Counselling is a great idea, but if he wont consider it why not go on your own?

I was not wanted by my father. He loved me and was great with me but it was crap growing knowing that my mother had emotionally blackmailed him so I could be conceived. I am an over achiever, and I'm always looking for my parents approval. I also know that I was not loved as much as my siblings.

manchestermummy Thu 06-Nov-14 11:55:48

Bing we're a similar age and it's one of the reasons for wanting another in my case.

I actually loathe being pregnant grin which I keep telling myself.

Yes maybe you do have to "live with it", but far better to have an open, honest dialogue with your DH. Tell him what you've told us. Remember there's more to children than babies/toddlers (yours are still rather young!).

I once read that the way to think of another is can you see another pre-teen/teenager/young adult at your table. Think beyond babyhood.

BingBong36 Thu 06-Nov-14 12:02:45

Thanks again

The other reason for wanting more is about the bigger picture - having a larger family, watching them grow up, get married, having lots of grandchildren - I don't actually like being pregnant that much, and do not really like the newborn phase, but as mentioned it really is about having a larger family.

YvetteChauvire - the reasons are not selfish, my reasons are just as valid as someone who wants their first baby and their second. My older son askes all the time for a brother or sister.

It really is breaking my heart, feel very sad...

hemel07 Thu 06-Nov-14 12:05:48

I really feel for you. I always wanted 3, had the first 2 and DH really felt that was his limit. It broke my heart for reasons that are hard to explain. I was lucky, my husband agreed to number 3, she is 5 now, and a little treasure. Its so difficult when you are not on the same page about something so important. I do think your husband owes it to you to listen and to try to understand how you feel. Good luck.

manchestermummy Thu 06-Nov-14 12:10:41

My DDs keep asking for twins grin.

In the nicest possible way, I can see how your feelings are coming across as a tad selfish, but that is your sadness surrounding your situation talking perhaps?

BingBong36 Thu 06-Nov-14 12:16:32

why are my feeling's selfish? I have told DH I am willing to do absolutely everything to make life easier for him. I was due to go on a girls weekend next summer to Ibiza, but told him I am not going as I would rather use the money and save for another baby.

Hamel - glad you got your 3rd, I have one stubborn husband!

grumpusmum Thu 06-Nov-14 12:17:09

I know I'll be on my own here but why do his wishes trump yours?

Is he a good father to your other children? Hypothetical babies are very different from real babies and if he's a good dad he'll love another one when it arrives.

Other posters will say that getting pregnant without having agreed it with him will lead to resentment on his part but he won't be able to prove you got pregnant on purpose (contraception is at best about 99% effective) and will you not be resentful towards him if you don't have your longed for 3rd child?

You can over plan things in life, stop going on about wanting a third, ditch your pills and have a happy 'surprise'. Lots and lots of women have done the same.

YvetteChauvire Thu 06-Nov-14 12:20:32

Please Bing do not get pregnant on purpose. I cannot believe it's being suggest by pp.

I am not trying to make you feel worse but I am trying to share my experience as the child who was not wanted by one parent. I feel responsible for that for damaging the the relationship between my parents. However, my father was a peculiar man who was set in his ways.

You husband, on the other hand, may be a good man who with a little encouragement may be able to talk about why he really doesn't want more. If you had a proper discussion without him shutting down, would tht make you feel better?

How were your pregnancies? One of my male friends refuses to have another child because of how badly pregnancy and birth affected his wife. Could that be why your husband is unmovable on the matter?

You need to talk with your husband.

manchestermummy Thu 06-Nov-14 12:21:14

grumpus I think that's terrible advice. Don't dupe him: that's really not fair.

No-one's wishes are trumping anyone's here: this is a baby (potentially) not a new kettle.

The making things easier for him: you're talking about the baby stage with night feeds etc.

ThinkIveBeenHacked Thu 06-Nov-14 12:21:32

If you go.into your overdraft by £300 each month then how can you justify the expense of a third dc?

Your DH doesnt want a third child and is quite clear on that. Maybe instead of couples counselling you could get some individual counselling to help clear up whether you want to stay in the family unit you already have or leave and pursue a third pregnancy alone or with another man.

manchestermummy Thu 06-Nov-14 12:22:39

My DH is an amazing, amazing father. And would be an amazing father to any no. 3, 4, 5 or 6!

But I love and respect him and unless we come to a mutual decision to have another than we won't.

OrangeOwl Thu 06-Nov-14 12:25:35

Thinking about why your husband may be feeling as he does; it is expensive! Car insurance for first year DS1 over 2 grand for a car worth £250. Uni accommodation costs, mobile phone contracts, adult clothes and shoes. Yes they can get jobs to contribute but if they are at Uni I think there has to be a balance between study and work. And actually one DS is too young to work.

Oh and school trips and all the new clothes that go with that. And food for two DS over 6ft.

I do feel for you and I really think you need to talk to someone, even if it's on your own to start with.

Purpleflamingos Thu 06-Nov-14 12:27:17

My dc are the same age as yours. Although I'd like another, I suddenly realised 6 months ago how much easier life had become. Days out no longer revolve around feeds and naps. The baby talk has gone and we can have conversations. They can understand and follow instructions. They eat the same food at the same times as we do. We keep having wobbles over another baby but it will change the dynamics a lot. I'm really enjoying my dc right now and the next stage from the preschool age.

BingBong36 Thu 06-Nov-14 12:28:34

Thanks again all.

My husband is a real family man and every weekend he does so many activities with the children, he is not the sort of man to go down the pub with his mates, he would rather be with his children which is why I feel even more frustrated! he is so so lovely to them, they are his world!

I have thought of an 'accident' but I very quickly soon realised I couldn't - I wish we could have a genuine accident so the matter would be taken out of our hands.

Going 300.00 overdrawn is not a lot of money, we have savings also. That does not worry me at all.

codandchipstwice Thu 06-Nov-14 12:30:35

This is hard, for both of you - and as others have said there is no easy win. My DH was like this, but I persuaded him to have a third. Whilst I love all my DCs life would have been so much easier if we had not had that third child, we would have more money/not be in debt, DC3 has been very hard work and it has at times really strained our marriage.

So - whilst I love all my DCs had I had my time over again I would have listened to DH and stopped at 2.

DH - thankfully, is far more gracious than I and doesn't play the 'I told you so' card to which he is fully entitled

ThinkIveBeenHacked Thu 06-Nov-14 12:31:46

Would he believe it was a genuine accident?

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