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to go on holiday without him because my dp can't afford it

(129 Posts)
atwitsendbutpaddlinghard Wed 05-Nov-14 20:25:00

I can afford holidays, my dp can't (he is self employed, earns very little but works very hard, lives in my house and only has to keep himself). I usually pay for both of us. We've been to lots of lovely places he could never have afforded to go if I hadn't paid. He says he can't afford to lose more working days to go on holiday this winter and it stresses him out when I ask him to go with me, which I can understand. AIBU to go without him even to places where I know he'd love to go. He feels upset at the thought of it. I've been lucky to inherit money. I feel life is short and I want to take the opportunity to go places, even if it is selfish. WWYD

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Wed 05-Nov-14 20:27:03

I'd go. Its your money and you can do what you like with it.

formerbabe Wed 05-Nov-14 20:28:25


Does he not contribute anything to the household running costs?!

Comito Wed 05-Nov-14 20:30:01

Gosh, that's a tough one. Can he do some weekends rather than weeks away? I can't help thinking that if you went away without him it would cause resentment, though I do understand your position too.

Perhaps have a couple of nice weekends away then save your cash to pay for lovely holidays when he can take the time off?

googoodolly Wed 05-Nov-14 20:30:03

If you're living together, why aren't your finances joint? I also iive with my DP and we pay for everything together. Is he really struggling for cash whie you live off an inheritance? That sounds a bit mean.

Primadonnagirl Wed 05-Nov-14 20:30:59

I think that's know he'd love to go he works hard but just can't afford it.How would you feel if other way around? Love means sharing doesn't it? Maybe go somewhere less glamorous but somewhere you can afford to go to together? Travel is fabulous but cherish the people you love.

Looseleaf Wed 05-Nov-14 20:33:06

I sort of see googood's point and it depends how committed you are- DH and I would never dream of anything being more mine than his but if he doesn't have the time rather than it being a financial issue that's different.
This is a tricky one. I'd think he should support you to go as you should be encouraged to meet your dreams unless he thinks it's not in your interests and not a sensible use of money - could you be using up too large a proportion on stuff that doesn't last?

Boomtownsurprise Wed 05-Nov-14 20:33:41

Doesn't sound like my def of family.

whats your definition?

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard Wed 05-Nov-14 20:35:09

Wow quick responses thanks - not married, hugely divergent incomes, prefer to keep separate finances, no children, yes I subsidise him on household expenses, meals out etc, he pays token amount towards household expenses and for his own food. I guess I'm asking how to tactfully go without causing resentment.

googoodolly Wed 05-Nov-14 20:37:35

I just think if you're living together as a couple, you should have the same quality of life and financial equality. DP earns a little more than me, and I would be thoroughly pissed off if he swanned off on holiday without me because I couldn't afford it.

Surely you can either both afford a holiday, or neither of you can? It seems horribly unfair otherwise sad

Only1scoop Wed 05-Nov-14 20:38:06

Do you intend to travel alone or with friends or family? I wouldn't miss out on your's your money

DaisyFlowerChain Wed 05-Nov-14 20:39:05

If a man came on here saying he wanted to go on holiday but his partner couldn't afford to pay her share he would be torn to shreds and called a whole heap of names yet ok for a women to do it hmm

Wolfiefan Wed 05-Nov-14 20:39:42

Anywhere you could go that he wouldn't fancy?

Only1scoop Wed 05-Nov-14 20:40:38

I must admit if it was shoe on other foot and you were living with dp....earning less and buying your own food whilst he was swanning away on holiday to destinations you wanted to go....I'd prob say that's really mean....

SaucyJackOLantern Wed 05-Nov-14 20:41:11

I kind of agree with Googoo. I couldn't imagine living with someone who only paid for themselves to go on holiday.

Are you both paying the same proportion of your salary towards household expenses?

Fairenuff Wed 05-Nov-14 20:41:20

You call him a partner but it doesn't sound much like a partnership to me.

TheJiminyConjecture Wed 05-Nov-14 20:41:25

Surely it's his decision to not take the time off? I'm assuming that you are prepared to contribute to the overall cost for both of you.

Comito Wed 05-Nov-14 20:41:43

Daisy yy, that was kind of what I thought. If it was me I'd want to enjoy the holidays with DH, not go on my own.

WooWooOwl Wed 05-Nov-14 20:42:28

I don't think you can continue like this without it affecting your relationship, you just can't have your cake and eat it long term if you want your relationship to have a future.

I wouldn't pass up an opportunity to go on holiday that only you can afford, but actively planning to have all the holidays you want for years to come while the person you love and are in a relationship with has to stay at home working just isn't conducive to a happy and healthy relationship.

CromerSutra Wed 05-Nov-14 20:43:06

All relationships are different but if one of you feels unhappy about this then it's a bit of a shame. I am in a civil partnership, have been for 8 years. We have separate finances but pay jointly for all household stuff, she gets paid a lot more than me so buys more extras. I must say I can't imagine her going on holiday without me because I couldn't afford it or vice versa. I think we would both feel really mean.

RyanAirVeteran Wed 05-Nov-14 20:43:23


If you were a male posting this you would be slaughtered.

You are either in a partnership or you are not.

My then BF then DF now DH of 25 years has always earned more than me, but we are a couple and so it goes...

I bring to his life a level of organisation he had only dreamt of, but keep it in the background if that makes sense.

We have a DC's now, but prior to that he always earned more than me and we only ever went on holidays we had ring fenced money for.

Sounds to me like he is a lodger with benefits and TBH it is a recipe for disaster.

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard Wed 05-Nov-14 20:43:23

I'd be going alone. He is having a materially far far nicer life living with me than he could ever have afforded on his own, I've paid his debts, I subsidise him, I feel there are limits, you could say its unfair of him to limit me to his income spending level.

uglyswan Wed 05-Nov-14 20:44:51

But the OP is paying for his holidays. He doesn't want to join her because he doesn't want to take any more time off work. Should the OP really have to forgo a holiday she wants and is willing to pay for if he doesn't want to take the time off?

WorraLiberty Wed 05-Nov-14 20:44:55

It sounds more like you're shagging your lodger than living in partnership with him.

If he's your partner then I don't believe there should be such inequality.

You say he's a hard working man. Well he can't help what he earns.

Happypogostick Wed 05-Nov-14 20:45:19

I think this is quite sad... He works hard but doesn't make much- you were lucky to inherit money. I just couldn't do it- I wouldn't enjoy the holiday knowing this- I'd think of a compromise like a weekend away together somewhere less expensive. I think that's what love is about. But if you're happy, I see no problem- it's a personal decision really.

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